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Help after years of verbal abuse I don't love my husband any longer

23 replies

Novemberrain77 · 14/01/2020 13:51

hi well here is another post from me because I really do not know what to do and wish that there's somebody on here that has been in the same position and what they did.after years of arguing on and off with my husband and putting up with him punching holes through doors shouting at my two eldest children and saying that he doesn't fancy me or find me attractive because I don't have sex with him the list goes on and on I have had enough. We have five children the youngest 3 together the two oldest are mine from a previous.he never helps me round the house he does work hard but that is all he says that he works hard he pays the mortgage and bills and bought me a car car.we have a big house that isn't always easy for me to look after with a toddler on my own. And I also work from home as well. I do everything. the last straw was when I asked for some money for some food and he told me that I should have put some by because he hasn't had work for a week because of Christmas so I had to pay the window cleaner but he went out and got his truck learnt while my car sat there and cleaned because I use the money for the window cleaner and food. He then said that he was going to buy a flat and move into it and things didn't work out he's always threatening to go to Spain to save his brothers or buy a flat and move out.he says nasty things in arguments and gets personal I have never with him and when I cry he said that I'm bawling.I have said I've had enough and I want to split up and all his said is he can't lose the house that he's put all his money into but I said where else can me and five children all live even renting would be pointless because you're not going to make any money out the house what choice have we got there settled in good schools.he has booked marriage guidance which I'm willing to go along to just so at least they can point out that he has anger issues as he feels that he doesn't. he helped with the kids last night and kept on asking if I wanted anything else done but this is the first time he is actually panicked but I'm serious now and have stopped crying and I feel that he thinks I'm being cold and he's trying to be joking laughing and play full which is now making me feel guilty for splitting up the family because I have been through a breakup before and I know it is horrible having separate holidays Christmas is etc but after nine years I have just had enough and fill in my heart that I no longer love him and I don't think I will change.

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Tsubasa1 · 14/01/2020 13:56

You need to go to counselling if you are willing to try and save your marriage. If you no longer love him, it's probably not worth staying though. Good luck.

Novemberrain77 · 14/01/2020 14:08

I feel that I'm just hoping the marriage counselor will point out to him that he has anger issues he keeps on saying he doesn't but he's finally given in and said he will see about his anger issues to save the married but for someone that punches holes through the doors tried to punch a hole through another door smashes up kitchen drawers and they're all over really minor things and shouts and swears at me tells me to get out the room to shut up over and over again I feel he does have anger issues

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Tsubasa1 · 14/01/2020 20:02

OP his anger issues sound really serious especially when you have young children in the house. Have you confided about your situation to anyone in RL, and if so did they advise you to leave him? It sounds like you are ready to leave him and you dont have much will to stay...

Thetellyisjelly · 14/01/2020 20:09

Well he had anger issues around his family. He rants and smashes things.
So basically he is abusive.
The situation is dangerous for you and the children.
No counsellor would see you together when he’s abusive, it wouldn’t be right or safe.
Seek therapy on your own OP. It all feels insurmountable but I can promise you it isn’t.

ArthurDentsSpaceTowel · 14/01/2020 22:25

You can ask to get this moved to Relationships where you'll get much better advice.

Novemberrain77 · 15/01/2020 07:26

How do I get moved to relationship?
Yes I am hoping counselor will tell him he isn't normal

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Novemberrain77 · 15/01/2020 07:29

Excuse spell checks was typed with voice recognition

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Thetellyisjelly · 15/01/2020 09:08

But if a therapist tells him he’s not normal, you realise that won’t be enough to change him right?
Chances are it will lead to an escalation in his moods, with you cast as bad guy for humiliating him.

Notthebloodygym · 15/01/2020 09:11

I think the best you'd get with a therapist is change for a year then creep back to "normal".

Novemberrain77 · 15/01/2020 10:44

Yeah my husband always says he will do more and to tell me when he is getting too much and after 3 to 4 weeks we are back to where we was

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FlowerArranger · 15/01/2020 10:54

Get counselling for yourself - not together with him.

Get together documentation of finances (particularly related to his business since he seems to be self-employed!!), and seek legal advice regarding a divorce.

You cannot go on like this! Do you really want your children to grow up in the midst of this violent, chaotic and dysfunctional relationship?

BobbyBlueCat · 15/01/2020 11:15

You feel guilty about splitting the family up but not guilty that you didn't leave when he started being abusive to your eldest kids, punching holes in walls and scaring the children?

You should have gone the minute he did that, not go on to have three children with him.
Fuck counselling, leave.

Hepsibar · 15/01/2020 11:23

Your situation is like mine 26 years ago. Make plans to leave and dont waste your life like I have done. Good luck.

Novemberrain77 · 15/01/2020 11:51

Ok I did feel guilty i was heavily pregnant when he punched hole through door and I told him to leave but he wouldn't

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Novemberrain77 · 15/01/2020 11:52

Yes I hope I can come out of it. It's not everyday this happens and kids have never been harmed or me. If they were we would be out .

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Novemberrain77 · 15/01/2020 11:54

the last time he tried to punch a hole through the door but couldn't this time because we had fire doors put in for making our house bigger was in February last year on our daughter's birthday. But it is the fact that he nail shouts and swears says that I'm toxic and needs to get the shackles off and that I am not attracted because I don't sleep with and shouted in my son's face to him to pay to put my name on the house because all my son said was Mum just wants a peace of mind because he walked in the kitchen was having a conversation

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AnyFucker · 15/01/2020 12:00

The kids are getting harmed already because they are living in a house where there is abuse

Emotional harm is just as bad as physical harm

Novemberrain77 · 15/01/2020 12:03

I know this

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Novemberrain77 · 15/01/2020 12:04

My 6 year old has been in tears as she doesn't see any bad in him and wants him to stay .

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Novemberrain77 · 15/01/2020 12:05

That's what pulls me so much. My 7 year old getting on better with him now. The baby doesn't know any different and full of love for him. Them there is my 2. My son is 50/50 about him but says I can do better my daughter hates him with a passion

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Novemberrain77 · 15/01/2020 12:12

Hepsibar was it just verbal abuse ?

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T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 15/01/2020 12:21

It’s recommended that abuse victims, because what he’s doing is abusive, do not go to counselling, with their abusers. You need counselling by yourself to help you get out of this toxic relationship and to find ways of preventing yourself from getting into a similar relationship in future. Was your previous relationship toxic and did he seem like a good choice, simply because he wasn’t AS abusive as the previous man.

Novemberrain77 · 15/01/2020 13:12

yes the father of my eldest was quite verbally abusive because he didn't have to work he came into a lot of money and just laying in bed all day while I ran around looking after the babies and going to work. and he would just smoke pot and in the end I had to walk away and live with my mum until I got myself straight and then I was on my own for about 4 years and then I met my husband who was very hard-working and treated me lovely but of course things changed.so I do think that is a valid point I think because my husband is at work shy and was old school like my dad worked hard for the family which I suppose isn't old school it's the way it should be but he was the worker and I was a stay-at-home mum and he was happy about this and didn't put any pressure on me to go to work when I raise the family but of course I'm working from home and I'm happy to do sobecause I want my own little bit of money for myself

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