To wish my children had more people.

[Buttonsandroses]

Hi to start off with I will say I understand many people don't have a lot of support. I also understand it's not other people's jobs to take care of your kids. I also understand families are complicated.

I've just been feeling a little bit down lately about my kids. It feels like nobody truly cares about them apart from me and their dad. I have a 5-year old and a 2-year old. When I was pregnant I thought they'd have such a great life in regards to grandparents, cousins and family in general. They've got two Grandma and grandad's still alive and fairly well. They range from 62 to 74. My partner's parents are probably the fittest. They retired when my daughter was about 6 months old. My sister-in-law had her baby 12 weeks before me. I remember her pregnancy was always more focused on. It was a case of she's going first. I remember when my Father-in-Law made a joke about helping me deliver the baby. My partner's mum said it's Sarah's turn first. After they retired they moved to the village their daughter lived in. Everything was about their granddaughter. They babysat her every Wednesday, the daughter was always able to go out because they would just have the child. They were very hands-on with this child. They have a stash of toys at their house and they call these toys her toys. They have a trampoline in their garden and they call that her trampoline. They sleep at their daughter's house every Thursday and Friday to help with the kid and the house. Yet my kids barely see them. This isn't a case of I don't like my in-laws because I do. I don't feel that I need help with my kids. I just feel sad for my kids because they are not invested in. They won't have memories of going to Grandma's for tea or going for a day out with nanny and Grandad. Now my daughter is nearly 5 she's starting to notice the other grandchild being there all the time. on the rare occasion my daughter gets to go to their house maybe three times a year, they invite that little girl over and she becomes very territorial. When we were at her birthday party she was telling my daughter it was her nanny not hers. My daughter asked me the other week why her cousin is always at nanny's house. My daughter is always saying I want to sleep over there. she's had two sleepovers there now and on the last one when they told her she was sitting in granddaughter's car seat I just felt so irritated. I wish they would stop labelling everything as that childs. I just don't understand how two children the same age can be treated so differently.

Then there is the case of my son. He was born Christmas week. I've noticed for both of his birthday so far she's spent about £10 on him. she then gets my daughter a present on his birthday for her to open too. this year she spent more on my daughter's present to open on her brother's birthday then she did him. It's my daughter's birthday next month and she's given me a £50 spend amount for her. I'm not really bothered about the money I'm just confused why my son gets so much less. She seems to love him when she sees him. She makes a very big fuss out of him. She also doesn't get him something on my daughter's birthday. I feel like this is a weird thing that she started and I'm not comfortable with it. I feel again it's just her not being aware of my children and not considering what's best for them.if she knew anything about my daughter she would know she is not jealous of her brother having a birthday.

My parents live up the road and and they just have no desire to be hands-on. They don't even consider offering us any tea once a month. They like to make out they are great grandparents to their friends etc. my dad will grumble he hasnt seen them in ages. In reality I take them around and they just sit there whilst I deal with the kids. They don't interact with them or try and play with them. My mum won't even allow the 4-year old to have anything around there to play with. she insists there's no room in any of their cupboards or anything for a small puzzle or doll or something. The verdict is my kids getting bored when they are there. Especially my older one. We take toys up but it's the whole feel that it's not a fun house to be at. My dad is OCD too and he makes dry sarcastic digs when the kids drop crumbs. I always hoover up before I leave. They are so unrelaxed!

I always wanted my kids to have grandparents because I didn't have any. Mine died before I was born so it couldn't exactly be helped.I think if my dad's mum was alive when I was born she would have been a very good grandma.

I sometimes want to have another child to make our own family bigger. Lately it has been on my mind alot. I keep thinking that way they will have eachother. I would love to expand the family in many ways. But as much as I want to expand to give us a bigger unit, I'm also aware we have nobody to rely on as it is. It's too risky to go through another pregnancy knowing there isn't anyone around for us. If I need to go to an appointment or I'm too weak to do the school run (I had awful low blood pressure and sickness with the last two) nobody would happily step up. Yet there's this niggling feeling that my kids need more people in their lives. We have a couple of friends. My daughter has school now too. It just feels like they should have more people involved in their lives. I wasn't even allowed to my mum's for a coffee today because she had shopping coming from Asda. It's honestly impossible to spend time with people in the week. That said I'm meeting my friend tomorrow for breakfast which will be lovely.

I'm not looking for sympathy but does anyone else know how it feels? Am I expecting too much? Is it normal that my kids get nothing compared to the other child?

My children have one grandparent, one uncle, one auntie (SIL, married to DB), one cousin. That's it. I, and DH have no aunties, no uncles, no cousins, no GPs.
You make your children a family from your friends.

I sadly know quite a few families where the grandparents dote over their daughters' children, and pay much less attention to the children of their sons.

I think there’s always going to be a difference in the relationship between and daughter and daughter in law. No it’s not fair on the children, but they are bound to spend more time with their actual daughter, perhaps they don’t feel like they need to with you, or maybe they think your parents do the same with you as they do with their daughter?

My husbands parents are no longer alive and never got to meet my children. My parents live a 3 hour drive away and we only see them a handful of times a year, mostly me making the journey up to them. I have a sister near me but she has a complicated life with her 2 children who are sen and have medical problems so I have nobody around family wise that we can rely on for babysitting or for general socialising. Sometimes I do feel quite sad about it, especially when I see how other families are and how much their grandparents do. But I actually feel quite proud that we manage all by ourselves and don’t lean on anyone. Yes it would be nice to have some time as a couple, but we chose to have children and they take priority.
I think you just have to accept that this is the way things are, and don’t compare to others lives as it just gets you more annoyed about it. Try and widen your friendship groups as they are likely to be more helpful. It’s really hard but it could also be a lot worse.

Has your husband questioned his parents about their blatant favouring of SIL’s daughter? He must feel as hurt and sad as you. I really don’t understand how people can treat children so unfairly.

Thanks for the replies. I think you are absolutely right. They are closer to their daughter than me. It's really strange as my partner was a shy guy she's quite good looking in my view! But his confidence made him stay home. He moved out at 28 to be with me. He's always worked and his friends think highly of him because he is a decent bloke. But his parents saw it as he's shy and he won't settle and meet a women. Their daughter is a doctor and they planned from her being at uni to help her with her children. She ended up having IVF which is sad. Her husband was the problem but tbh he's terrible. He's 50 (45 when he became a dad) he drinks everyday and he's massively over weight. He won't do parenting really. He is a huge reason her mums involved too. She tries to save her daughter the stress. I understand all this although I think she should divorce him as he grinds her down massively I think. I always say to my partner he hides behind money and if he was skint he would be classed as a lazy slob.

Anyhow. My partner is too nice and has never had words with his mum. He's painfully aware his sister gets alot more than us. He's always said the help has gone where the money is. He also says we never get any help and that's why we struggle to get stuff done. Things like decorating can be a nightmare with the kids around. We never can just get on.

I know you are right. I need to just accept it is how it is. I guess I'm just sad that I never got to pass onto my kids what I desperately wanted to have. I used to be envious of my friends with grandma's spoiling them. I always wonder what it would of been like to have another adult in my life to talk to growing up.

He's quite good looking that should say! X

We have noone. My parents live abroad and see our chit once a year and that is it, that is all they want. We have no siblings around (my brother and his wife live in Asia) and my children have no cousins.

I was sad initially that my parents don't want to spend any more time with my children but they really are happy just with once a year and Skype occasionally.

It is their loss.

Out lives are very different to most of the people around us bit there are up sides to that too. We are dependent on no-one but ourselves.

I have to say that your post has made me tear up. You sound so lovely, and I think it’s a damn shame for you, your husband and your kids that neither set of grandparents want to have much to do with you. It makes me very sad and very cross on your behalf.

Your parents, I guess just aren’t the really hands on type - fair do’s (Although in your boat i’d be having a chat with them, being totally honest with them about how it would be lovely if you and the kids could just go for tea now and again and how wonderful it would be if they spent a little more time with the kids and built a closer relationship)
But your inlaws? They have no excuse. Blatant favouritism and it’s so unfair. I don’t think I could hold my tongue if I were you.

If you want another baby, if you want to expand your own little team then go for it. You’ll make it work. Think of what a wonderful Grandma you will make and how beautifully busy your own house will be with ALL of your grandkids. X