DS nearly 5 behaviour and teasing cat-advice please

[Just2MoreSeasons]

My DS(almost 5) is being really challenging at the moment.

Lots of silliness and behaviour that gets a bit hyper.

There are lots of examples of him not listening and not following Instructions even when he has been made to listen. Eg, hold your cup when drinking with a tall straw. I put his hand on the cup and make him look in my eye to reinforce that he needs to do this. Seconds later, he has let go of the cup whilst being silly and the milk is everywhere.

Staying in a chair at mealtimes is also a problem. He will fidget lots, flop on the table, elbows and hands knocking things off, getting down lots-especially if our cat is in the room. (See more about cat below).

Behaviour around our cat is becoming a real problem.

He is drawn like a magnet to the cat and loves to do attention seeking behaviour directed at the cat. First stroking, then the giggling starts, then rougher stroking or putting a small toy on the cat or a noisy toy near the cat. Then if the cat doesn’t react, DS will up his game, prod him, find a bigger toy etc and on it goes.

We of course stop this as soon as we are aware/ can get to him (3 story house). It’s cruel (though weirdly the cat seems to stick around for more!) and I hate it. It really upsets DD (10) too who adores our cat and is so gentle with him.

Obviously, sometimes the cat will react and scratch DS or simply go outside. Scratching DS causes DS to get upset for a couple of minutes and then, if it was a bad one, stay away for about 30 mins. But then DS is back for more.

For my part, I count him if I think the stroking was not gentle or even jump straight to time out if it was harmful for our cat. DS will do the time out and be disgruntled with having to do it, but before long, DS is back for more. My DD will also come and get me if she spots DS being anything other than kind to the cat. I will also make the cat go outside for a bit if I can’t get DS to stop.

Im trying to work out how to stop it, obviously, but also wondering what is driving this behaviour and I’m wondering if it’s some kind of sibling rivalry at work -where DS gets loads of attention from the cat and DD (albeit negative) and he’s just loving the attention.

I’m an ex-teacher, I feel like I should be able to do a better job with this. I’m also currently a SAHM, so I have time to put strategies in place and work this out. I have time to give him positive attention, so why does he crave the negative??

Just to add, I don’t think DS has any special needs. He’s very testosterone fuelled in his behaviour -he loves rough play, pretend fighting, destroying toys etc. He’s also a lovely boy, loves to cuddle, ask questions and help me with the shopping etc. I’m very aware this is unfair on our cat and it will not continue-I just need a better plan.

Any advice?

Agree, if the cat isn't moving then it isn;t that bothered, but obviously you want to stop the behaviour getting to the dstage hwere the cat scrathes.

You've already had lots of good ideas on here, getting DS involved in the care of the cat is crucial you don;t want him to associate cat=punishment.

Can you schedule time where you and DS sit and stroke the cat nicely, play toys with it etc. Set for (say) 10 minutes and then after the 10 minutes is up, you leave the cat alone.

I really wish he would do Hamma beads, puzzles, colouring etc at the table, but he has no interest at all in it

My ds isn't a boisterous boy type and wont do hamma beads etc so I a not surprised that yours won’t. Perhaps he needs to blow off some steam in a more physical way - is there any mini-rugby near you? A physical outlet like that might be just the thing plus lots of positive praise for confining the rough-housing to the pitch?

What kind of voice are you using when your son has done something he’s been told not to? Is he actually aware from your reaction that he’s gone too far? While I’m not advocating shouting, I suggest a firm, sharper short instruction followed up by a warning of the consequence for disobedience. It’s all very well talking about being kind to animals but he’s probably bored of that conversation by now if he’s only 4. He’ll have zoned out if you’re using a nicey-nicey voice.

For an activity to keep your DS entertained at the table, try putting little toys (tiny dinosaurs etc) in a balloon, fill with water, tie and freeze.
Once frozen, tear off the balloon and you have a frozen dinosaur egg.
Then give DS the tools to unfreeze it (salt, warm water, a brush, a little knife etc).
Used to keep my boys entertained for ages at that age.

Op, it sounds like you're a great mum on top of things and working to improve ds's behaviour and make the cat happy, so don't beat yourself up!

What fires your ds do if he doesn't play with toys and only has half an hour of screen per day? Sounds like he needs some interests to keep him occupied.

Does, not fires

It sounds like maybe a power thing, young children don't have control of much of their lives, especially starting school and having to follow rules all day long - a cat is one of the only things (alive) that they can have power by teasing and who won't answer back, so maybe he's pushing the limits to see what he can get away with. Just a thought.

Table manners, I've always been v strict with mine that it's a privilege to be sat at the table with plenty of food and they should be grateful and have polite manners (I use the story of my grandad who had a huge family and were poor - if you got dinner you were lucky and grateful), and if they don't have polite manners then they can get straight down. They soon want to come back when they are hungry

Please stop buying straws. Unless they're paper?

Just wanted to ask, have you taught him about cat body language? eg: if the cat's tail is beginning to twitch more vigorously, or if the ears go back, then it's not enjoying the game. I just wondered, if he's an otherwise pleasant little boy, whether he doesn't understand the "leave me alone" signals until it gets to an actual scratch?

As for timeout, maybe make a point of giving the cat your attention simultaneously (or pretending to if it has totally had enough for a while)?

Hope it all works out.

Have you got actual cat toys he can play with the cat? Like the dangly things on elastic, balls to kick back and to? My favourite game when I was little was running around with a skipping rope while the cat chased it! Maybe not one for inside.... but I agree, I’ve had cats all my life and they won’t stick around once they’ve had enough. Perhaps you could take him to choose a few toys for the cat and explain that it’s only these toys they can play with together?

Get rid of the straws, they are totally uneccessary.

OP you sound a bit inconsistent and I think ds is picking up on this. He doesn't understand why he can play with the cat sometimes and it's ok and other times it isn't. I'd have a blanket ban on playing with the cat unless you are there. Then you both know where you stand.

Allow him to grow up would be my advice.
No straws. He can drink from a cup. Don’t nag. He’ll survive drinking whatever he drinks.
Don’t tolerate messing at mealtimes. If he’s not sitting eating, with good manners, put the food in the bin. He’ll learn that if he messes he’ll be hungry. He’ll survive a whole lot better by seeing consequences rather than cajoled to eat or drink. If he leaves the table the meal is finished. He’ll realise that quite quickly. Don’t then offer top-up food later. He waits until the next meal.
I’d say don’t entertain him at the table other than conversation. Toys are an opportunity for silliness.
As for the cat tell him he either leaves the cat alone (explain there will be three warnings) or it goes. Then follow through. Unfair on an animal to be subjected to taunting by a child.
Sounds like you need to stop pleading and nagging and start taking control back. He’s old enough to be expected to behave most of the time.