Not coping with having second DC

[namechange4859402]

Think I'm posting just to get it off my chest as I feel I can't say it to anyone in real life. Have a 2 year old DS and a newborn DS (5 weeks). I am just completely overwhelmed. I feel stuck in the house, exhausted and lonely.
Last night I got barely any sleep due to our 2 year who has a habit of waking up in the middle of the night at least once a week. He wouldn't go back to sleep for 3 hours. That coupled with night feeds every two hours meant I was like a zombie today. Newborn barely napped today unless I held him which was hard as my toddler wanted attention aswell.
Naively decided to try and have a early night tonight. Got in bed at 8.30pm newborn still hasn't gone to sleep now at 11.30pm. I've took him in the spare room as DH got no sleep last night either trying to help. He has a long drive to work in the morning. I don't like the idea of him driving to work shattered tomorrow again.
Finding it so hard I don't really have any mum friends to speak to. Just feel so lonely and tired when DH is at work. I can't give either of my DC my full attention and I can tell my older DS is finding the change hard. We use to have fun together. I just keep randomly crying.

Ah you sound exhausted. I remember feeling exactly the same - I’d feel like crying when DH left for work in the morning. The good news is that it does get better! Will dc1 nap in the afternoon?

It will get better l promise,

I have all been there and survived you will too. I hated being off on maternity leave it was so lonely, l also hated being stuck inside in the winter, by time your baby is 4 months old the weather will be better, your routine will be more in place and you will be able to go outside, the cabin fever will disappear.

Just find your quick wins to help you keep get through the day
Mine were

My husband slept in the spare room as it was me who needed the comfort of my own bed, he was getting to sleep.

My husband made my lunch everyday and left it in the fridge so l could just eat it.

When l feed my dd my ds would sit by me and we would cuddle with a book or watch a tv programme.

I remember once l must of fallen asleep on the couch and l woke up with my sons blanket on me l said how did that get here he said you fell asleep mummy and l put the dummy in the babies mouth when she cried, he was 3 and a sweet heart.

You will be fine when you find your pattern and have a lovely time with both your children. Congratulations by the way.

I feel for you. My baby is now 3mths and DS is 4. I upped the time DS was in nursery as I just couldn't cope.
Could you find a class you could all attend together? It would get you out the house and keep your eldest entertained. I know it's difficult to get out the house but you will feel so much better for it. Do your local libraries do free sessions? (Ours do songs & stories which would be great for your DS)
Or soft play? Another way to keep eldest entertained and you could have lunch there too so it saves you making it!
Just as a side - you can 100% tell people in real life how you feel! Maybe I'm too honest but I often tell people I'm finding it hard work.

It's very lonely and hard work at times. I used to go to a friendly baby group on a Tuesday and another on a Friday (a 45 min drive but it was attached to a large shopping centre so I would make a day of it and they would sleep on the way home).
It will get easier. Mine are both in school now. Great friends. Sleep well. Easy dc.

It's all totally worth it but make sure you get a bit of time for you. Haircut. Swim or whatever. Xx

Bless you are right in the trenches.
Same age gap between mine. I increased the older ones days at playgroup. Baby lived in a sling so I could get about.
Lots of strong coffee
Easy grab food, or get your partner to sort a sandwich out for you and older child so lunch is sorted.
Slow cooker meals
Drag yourselves out early to a playground. Wellies waterproofs on and get the older one splashing in puddles. It does the world of good for energising you and burning them out. It signals to the baby that it's daytime and starts to set an internal clock.

I hated this stage, OP. I felt really disloyal to my eldest child and I missed our one on one time!

Finding a group for you all is such good advice - it makes you feel like you've accomplished something in the day.

I'd second going out. Anywhere! Baby should nap in the pram. Toddler can run about and won't be trashing your house. Even in January it's better than being indoors with the two of them. Maybe walk to a supermarket and let the toddler choose dinner/lunch.

How are you doing today OP? Hope you managed some sleep. Everyone's given fab advice so nothing much to add other than a hand hold and the MN mantras of 'this too shall pass' and 'everybody fed, nobody dead' (cheery ) helped my sanity. Plus chocolate. Also agree with Catsick36, a sling was a game changer for me. You're doing great 💪

I felt like this just a few weeks ago. Baby #2 is 13 weeks now and it’s getting much easier. Like you, I have no help. (I live outside the UK in a very isolated place where I don’t speak the language- at least not well!) But I find that I am coping much better now. Especially with Baby #1 starting nursery.

You will get there too and then be amazed at how quickly the time passed!

Thank you everyone for your advice and all being so kind and reassuring. I did manage to get some sleep in the end newborn fell asleep approx 12.30am with a feed at 2am. Unfortunately toddler DS woke at 5am. Managed to get him back to sleep at 7am then newborn woke. Really hope this doesn't become a daily thing with toddler DS. We do have a church toddler group on Fridays which is only a 5 minute walk away. Definitely want to get back to going there. Have bought a sling so hopefully that will help a lot.
I keep reminding myself I found it very hard with DS. I think the desperation for sleep last night made me abit hysterical.

Glad to see you back namechange4859402, yep, don't miss those nights with whichever insomniac DC wide awake. So I used to think sod it, and just go downstairs and have a cuppa and toast (always remember being so hungry all the time!) - at least the cat seemed happy to see us

Plus there's always, always, someone awake on MN to chat to

Ah I've been there! 22 months between my two and the early days were bloody hard.

I got through it by lowering my standards massively!! Cbeebies was a lifesaver and on pretty much all day. It has done zero harm to either child!

I would often go to bed at same time as DC1, DH would look after baby for 2 or 3 hours before coming up to bed so I'd at least get a short block of sleep before the night feeds/toddler awakenings. This got me through the first few weeks for sure!

Hang in there, it gets better. Mine are 4 and 6 now and I'm really getting the benefit of having them close in age. They go off and play together and leave me in peace!!

Enjoying all these stories from people who got through it!
There's 22 months between my two - a 2yo and a 3 month old and it's a slog at the moment. I'm getting through by taking the oldest to nursery two days a week and going to various playgroups on the three mornings when I'm in sole charge of both of them. The days are mostly ok, but bath and bedtime is a nightmare (all happens before my husband gets home) and I'm really very tired. Still, it's not as bad as I imagined (when I was pregnant I just couldn't see how I was going to cope at all) and hopefully it'll get easier with time.

I hope you have a restful night tonight OP, and everyone else in the trenches.

21 months between my oldest two and it was hard work. Things that saved my sanity were a good sling, lying down with the baby while DC1 had a midday nap and dozing if i could, and playgroups - particularly church ones with volunteers to help.

I didn't find soft play any help as DC1 wouldn't go in without me and crawling round soft play is bad enough without a baby in tow... However, if any local gymnastics clubs do toddler sessions they were good - round here all of them let toddlers run around on the mats etc and as they are all on one level they are much more manageable with a baby in a sling.

Thoes day seam like such a long time ago, i had twins when my dd was 11 months old. I also had 2 okder children 6 and 9. My god 8 look back now and don't no how i survived.

Make everything easy as you can, pack a bag with everything you need, nappies, change clothes etc and keep near at all times. When feeding put older dc next to you with his favourite snacks, keep this available at arms reach for older and srink so you don't have to keep getting up. Also have same for your self and big bottle of juice or water.

Anytime baby sleeps get older dc to snuggle with you see if you can get a little shut eye, i used to have my 11 month old snuggled right next to me that of she moved i would wake straight up (never lasted long)

It will pass soon, just no you are doing an amazing job

My youngest is 3 months now and it does get easier once you get into the rhythm of things.
I let my toddler watch TV a good bit in those early weeks. Kept him quiet and in the one spot. I always kept emergency snack close by for when he and newborn kicked off at the same time.
I delegated a lot to DH to get done before and after work.

You'll get there!