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Original poster

Adopted Son and Preschool

25 replies

Single41 · 13/01/2020 21:37

Looking for some advice please.
My 3 year old adopted son is in the process of starting preschool. Lived with us for 9 months and is desperate to learn.
I have gone through alot of the recommendation process before starting, we attended a play group for a term so he met and got to know the teachers, spent time at preschool, including leaving him for a small amount of time. Due to illness over Christmas I was allowed to stay on his first day, then on the second day dropped him off, he was very emotional, crying and they had to take him off me as he didn't want me to leave. Settled down after 5 minutes but kept asking for me so school asked me to pick him up after an hour and a half so not to upset him further. Since then he keeps saying he doesn't like it, even though he says he had fun. Since then on numerous occasions he says he doesn't want me to leave him, had 2 nights of broken sleeps waking asking me not to leave him and gets upset with the thought of me leaving. Today I took him to school and he broke down before we even got to the door, he was inconsolable so it was agreed I should stay for a short while then take him home. Whilst there he was very clingy but seemed to enjoy everything he done. Tonight whenever we spoke about school tomorrow he gets upset, can anyone help please?

OP posts:

MyNameHasBeenTaken · 13/01/2020 21:43

When my ds was pre school age, they had a parent helper rota.
Once a month, I went in and helped some children do some craft stuff.
In exchange for reduced fees.
Would this be an option for you?
Stay at the pre school with him for a few weeks?
But gradually increase your time with other kids.
If you are nearby, sitting at a table with crayons and a few kids, you are still in sight or in reach. Once he settles, he will get used to the routine of being away for the school day.

Haffdonga · 13/01/2020 21:43

Why not post in Adoption? There's someone with a very similar situation to yours and much more knowledgeable posters about the issues that could be involved.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/3794429-Starting-with-childminders-worried-sick-now

gospelsinger · 13/01/2020 21:49

Do you need him to go because of your work? If not, I think it best that he stays with you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 14/01/2020 15:11

I'd ask for this post to be moved to the adoption section, as the way you'd approach this must be different to how you'd approach it with a birth DC

Chamomileteaplease · 14/01/2020 15:33

Yes I hope the adoption board can help you.

But I just wanted to say that there's no reason why he should start preschool just yet. I know it seems obvious to us that he would enjoy it if he could settle there. But he probably can't. If he's only been with you 9 months I would wait. Continue going to the groups where you are allowed to stay and maybe wait for him to ask to go. Then you will know he is ready.

jellycatspyjamas · 14/01/2020 15:38

If he’s only been with you fir 9 months, I’d be treating him much younger than his chronological age as the transition to care and then to adoption will likely have caused some regression. If you don’t absolutely need him to go to pre school, I wouldn’t force it at this stage instead I’d look for a part time nursery placement or childminder so he has someone consistent when he’s not in your care.

I’d also agree with posting in adoption - lots of very experienced adopters who can help you think about his particular needs and what might help.

Guardsman18 · 14/01/2020 15:39

My son is adopted and I feel that I sent him to nursery far too early.

We did go to play groups together but with hindsight (wonderful thing), he would have been better being at home for a bit longer.

I appreciate that it isn't always possible to be at home but if you can, then I'd leave it for now - or go and be a helper as pp suggested - take it slowly. I didn't and I always regret it. Good luck x

Troels · 14/01/2020 16:03

As he's only been with you 9 months I'd keep him close and let him tak time to feel safer with you. We adopted, (younger) but I never even signed her up to nursery. She went to 2 day a week preschool at 4 to get ready for school and that was it. She stayed with me or Dh only for over a year after arrival. Then she had time with my Best friend when Dh and I had an appointment, and was left with close people she knew.

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 14/01/2020 17:01

My DD2 started pre-school at about the same age and time after placement.
Whether or not it was the best thing to do I don't know, but I needed some break time too.
For quite a while she used to cling to me when we put her school jumper on in the morning, but nursery reported she was fine when with them, it was just the thought that was worse.
She also hated it when it was DH's turn to do her bedtime, but by the time they were up the stairs she was fine.
She had problems on and off throughout primary leaving me in the mornings.
Whether things would have been better if she hadn't started nursery when she did I'll never know. But she was growing out of playgroup as her friends had moved on.

GreenTulips · 14/01/2020 17:05

I would tell mine I would wait outside and they could look for me when they’re anted to.

If they didn’t see me it was because I needed a wee or cup of tea etc

You could also put something in his pocket with a reminder of you - tissue with perfume.

Ohgoodness34 · 14/01/2020 17:11

Attachment issues. As an adoptive parent you will know all about this though.

Looneytune253 · 14/01/2020 17:21

Could you try a childminder? Sometimes the smaller setting is an ideal stepping stone. I recently had a set of adoptive parents who had a very unsettled child at school, hated change etc but is now very excited to come to me after school and the younger sibling settled in no bother straight away. It might be beneficial to have someone he can form a secure attachment to who isn't you. If the cm is anything like me, we go to numerous groups and outings so they still get used to socialising but on a slightly smaller scale. Have a look and see what is available in your area

glorioussilence · 14/01/2020 17:23

But unnecessary ohgoodness, he might be an adopted child but he’s still a child and many children benefit from preschool.

How long are the sessions, OP?

Soontobe60 · 14/01/2020 17:30

@Ohgoodness34
No need for the sarkey face.

OP, I too would suggest a childminder, for a very short period of time, building up to longer sessions. Your child has suffered trauma, and as such will need a great deal of support in order to overcome this.

spiderlight · 14/01/2020 17:32

When my son was upset about being left at nursery, a friend who has fostered many, many children told me to give him something of mine - something he knew I liked and used - to look after, to act as concrete reminder that I would definitely be back because I'd need to collect it. I only needed to do it a few times and it definitely helped. It can help if you can tie it in with an activity that you'll do after nursery - 'I'm going to leave my shopping bag here on your peg, because when I come to pick you up we'll pop straight to the shops to buy some eggs for lunch.'

(I must admit, though - I'm a softie and would be inclined to find groups where I could stay with him for the time being).

Ohgoodness34 · 14/01/2020 17:35

It’s a confused face. I’m an adoptive parent and had to do a lot of training and research about attachment in preparation for adopting.
OP will know about this too and will know about attachment parenting, cocooning etc. It’s very different advice and early days for this little one.

jellycatspyjamas · 14/01/2020 17:37

*I would tell mine I would wait outside and they could look for me when they’re anted to.

If they didn’t see me it was because I needed a wee or cup of tea etc*

Unless you’re actually prepared to stand outside, I wouldn’t suggest this. Your child needs to be able to trust you and if you’re not there it’s better to be honest about that particularly if your child might have been left by birth parents without warning.

TwitcherOfCurtains · 14/01/2020 17:42

Surely it's not recommended that a child be sent to nursery so soon after adoption?
I know nothing of adoption but it seems obvious that being separated from you so soon would cause great distress.

DoIStayOrDoIGoNow · 14/01/2020 17:45

There are several Facebook groups specifically dedicated to adoption support where you will get some fantastic advice about this. One thing that is very popular is drawing a heart on a child’s hands, or on the inside of their clothes so they can look at it and know you love them and are coming back for them

Gruffalosandbuffalos · 14/01/2020 17:47

@TwitcherOfCurtains how do you expect people who have adopted children to be able to go to work? Adoption leave is only the same as maternity leave so after so long most people have to return to work.

Original poster

Single41 · 14/01/2020 18:09

Many thanks for "most of the advice" during this difficult time, it is a great help and I appreciate it xx
So to clear a few points up, I'm a single parent and i am due to go back to work in April so it has been recommended to start preschool before then so January was the best time as we have an amazing attachment. He is due to attend 2 days a week from 9am until 12.30pm as this what will help when I return to work. Yes as an adoptive parent I have been given training about attachment and regression that's why I have taken extra steps to make this transition easier.
I tried posting in adoption section but it kept asking me to log in even though I was, probably my tired head not helping.
I didn't consider nursery as I wanted something that would be consistent until he went to school. I have suggested him taking something of mine, but he still wont let me leave. I am able to stay with at the moment but I'm not sure how long the preschool will allow me to as its a distraction for the other children, I have tried staying in the staff room, office, kitchen area and even in the corner of the classroom but hes still very emotional.
I have alot of adoptive families in my network that are all very different, ranging from children going to nursery within 2 months to children being home schooled.
I was just wondering if anyone had been through this and had advice.
Thanks again for all the positive and helpful comments x

OP posts:

DangerousMouse · 14/01/2020 18:19

He needs to learn that whatever happens and wherever he is you'll always come back for him. How is he at home? Can you go to the toilet, hang out washing, go upstairs without him looking for you? That's the first step, then a slightly unfamiliar environment like granny's house, best friends house, parent and toddler playgroup, in places like that can you leave him to go to the toilet etc?
How is he at bedtime? That's another time he has to detach from you..
It's a big step for him (as you know) to go to a new environment and for you to leave him.

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 14/01/2020 18:24

The transition object and the talking of fun stuff later did help with DD.

I didn't leave DD at pre-school until she stayed in toddler ballet properly. When we started that she used to bounce in and out of the sessions for extra hugs and reassurance (parents stayed in hall and children went in an adjacent inner room).

As a parent, adoptive or otherwise, you can't always do the ideal thing, you have to compromise between competing needs. If your DS needs to get used to pre-school as you are returning to work, then that is what needs to happen.

FraglesRock · 14/01/2020 19:13

Gosh, so tricky
A picture of you in his pocket
I treasure of yours that you want back later.
A timeline, do different days so, breakfast, play, park, tea, bed and breakfast, preschool, lunch at home etc so he can see a rhythm to it.
Take photos at preschool and print it so he can see and talk about the new environment.

jellycatspyjamas · 14/01/2020 20:48

I have suggested him taking something of mine, but he still wont let me leave.

This is his attachment style - secure attachment doesn’t build in months, it’s years long work with little ones who’s attachment has been disrupted. If his attachment was secure, he’d settle after initial distress - the fact he won’t let you leave says a lot about how he’s coping. I’m not saying you don’t have a great relationship or that you’ve not bonded - you clearly have both but your training in attachment should tell you this isn’t the behaviour of a secure child.

That doesn’t mean he can’t go to pre-school, nursery etc it does mean it may need to look quite different for him, the transition may need to be much slower than planned. It may mean more settling in sessions, it may mean shorter sessions, it may mean that actually he can’t yet cope with pre-school and you need to consider other options - that doesn’t mean he’ll never cope but it may be too soon or he may need a stepping stone to get there.

You going back to work adds another layer of time pressure, but taking the time now to get through this first transition will pay dividends in the long run. I’d be speaking to the school and exploring their understanding of the impact of early trauma - if they won’t for example accommodate longer settling in I’d seriously question if it’s the right setting for him because at every stage they’ll need to consider he may have a need for a different approach and be open to being very flexible. Some schools are better at this than others so worth talking to them and exploring your options. There’s some good advice on the thread linked to above so hopefully worth a read.

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