Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Anyone who has used donor sperm found the concept difficult to get their head round?

28 replies

LaksaLover · 12/01/2020 19:30

Hello Smile

My wife and I are looking into extending our family and after considering all our options, have decided that me using a donor is the way we would like to go.

Initially our biggest question was whether or not we wanted to try in our mid 30's as I already have a teen and we weren't sure if we wanted such a big age gap between DCs.

So now we've got our heads around that, we started looking at donors online, but now the prospect is becoming more and more real, I'm actually struggling with the practicalities of it.

I hate the idea of being inseminated by a strangers semen, but obviously I want to become pregnant, so I just need to get over it, right?!

I also find it so odd that half of our DCs genes will belong to a stranger.

I actually don't know if this is a completely normal feeling and that people just get past it and once the baby is born and is part of your family, you don't really think about it and it's simply your child.

I'm worried that these feelings are alarm bells and that maybe it's not for me afterall.

Would massively appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks very much.

OP posts:
Itsashame · 12/01/2020 19:55

I’m sure all those feelings are completely normal but as you say, if you want to be pregnant and you don’t have other options, like a friend then you’re going to have to get used to it I suppose

starpatch · 12/01/2020 20:05

To be honest I didn't have any concerns about it beforehand. It has been difficult for my donor conceived child. He has very much missed having a dad. Although I get the impression that the children of friends who have two mums found it difficult but not nearly as difficult.
I would be concerned if you are not comfortable with it because you may be uncomfortable talking to your child about it which is a difficult enough conversation anyway.

Original poster
LaksaLover · 12/01/2020 21:49

@starpatch, can I ask how you dealt with that?

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
smemorata · 12/01/2020 21:52

If you are not sure then this needs to be addressed well before moving forward. We decided it was not for us.

Newschapter · 12/01/2020 21:58

Can you use the same donor as you used with your first?

Original poster
LaksaLover · 12/01/2020 22:04

@smemorata, did you decide it wasn't for you for similar reasons?

@Newschapter, I have never used a donor before. The father of my DC is my ex.

OP posts:
Newschapter · 12/01/2020 22:11

@LaskaLover - apologies for my presumption. Flowers

Hope it all works out Smile

smemorata · 12/01/2020 22:19

We both decided that it wasn't a risk we wanted to take - it might have been ok but on the other hand it might have been something we found too hard to accept and if you go into it with those sort of doubts, it's probably best to avoid .

Happynewyear22 · 12/01/2020 22:30

I used a donor because of my husbands infertility. I struggled alot with it. I couldnt use sperm from a uk clinic because I couldnt accept the lack of details. I think it was height we were given and hair or eye colour. I found someone I could meet and tried with him for a while as I just wanted to know the guy a bit. In the end we got donor sperm from an American company and there was loads of Info about him including a photo as a kid and a recording of his voice. It made me a little more comfortable although I never truly lost the sadness at not using my husbands sperm. My girl is 4 now and in some ways its released her from the genetic burden our family seems to carry. She is so different to all of us but totally wonderful. She has a mum and dad though so I suppose that's different. I do think theres a bloke out there that would seem so familiar even though I dont know him because I have his genetic child. But he must be a nice bloke who is full of mischief and fun like my girl.

Original poster
LaksaLover · 12/01/2020 22:46

@Newschapter, no problem at all. Thank you.

@smemorata, I see. Well you clearly made the right decision for you.

@Happynewyear22, yes I understand your issue with the UK clinics completely. Really glad it worked out for you in the end.

OP posts:
June705 · 12/01/2020 22:51

Not to mention how complex a situation you're bringing a child into. You're actively resigning a living breathing human being to a life not knowing who their biological parent is

SarahAndQuack · 12/01/2020 23:52

I definitely think getting some counselling and advice would be a good idea (clinics usually require it, though we managed to avoid it).

My DD was conceived with donor sperm. I kind of know what you mean that the insemination is a bit weird - my DP didn't seem bothered but when I tried (unsuccessfully), I did feel a bit peculiar about the clinical nature of it.

I also remember having a lot of concerns about how I would feel about a child who wasn't biologically 'mine' (and about how I'd feel about a baby I didn't give birth to), and I talked to lots of people, and there's a big community out there who will share opinions very frankly.

DD had a very traumatic birth and was quite ill when she was born. On about day 2, I remember calling my dear friend in floods of tears because I just couldn't love this baby and I felt terrible about it (and I was very worried for my DP who was also sick). Then DD had to have a lumbar puncture and I went with her, and after that I just fell in love with her. I couldn't love her more, really. She is absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me.

I find it fascinating to see how she sometimes looks like my DP (or my DP's family), and sometimes like her genetic dad. It's a lovely experience and really fun, too. I like seeing shadows and reflections of the person who made it possible for us to have her.

So for me it is a very positive outcome, but I do feel that being able to express doubts and worries at an early stage made the whole thing much less fraught.

@june705 - not in the UK, no.

SarahAndQuack · 12/01/2020 23:54

Btw, I think I feel like @Happynewyear22 in having a definite towards my DD's donor. Our (UK) clinic included messages from donors and his really gave a sense of his personality. We talk to DD about him and, though it's of course her choice, we hope she'll want to make contact with him when the time comes.

starpatch · 13/01/2020 12:15

Hi OP, I tried to just follow the donor conception networks guidelines ie start early and talk to him in a matter of fact way. He seems to be missing having a dad less now he is 7. When he expressed that he missed having a dad it was important that he was letting me know IYSWIM so mostly all I could do was acknowledge it.

Original poster
LaksaLover · 13/01/2020 12:22

@June705, so are you generally against children being conceived using donor sperm?

@SarahAndQuack, thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to hear that your DD had such a traumatic start- bless her. I think that lack of a bond in the beginning is very common and the same goes for biological parents. I had a traumatic birth with my DD and I think I was in shock tbh with you. It took me a while to relax and actually enjoy being her mum.

Oh I'm so confused! I know we would love our next DC to pieces, but I can't stand to think they'd feel like something was missing and like we'd denied them of that.

OP posts:
SarahAndQuack · 13/01/2020 12:26

Oh, you're very kind, thanks for saying that. I am absolutely fine now - just thought it was worth including that story as it really makes me aware of how quickly and dramatically you can go from 'oh no, I'm not sure if I'll love her' to 'my baby is the best thing in the world!'

I mean, there was plenty of reason I might have not bonded with her, so the fact I did seems to me pretty clear evidence that it's the process of caring for a baby that makes it yours, not the biology.

I have to say, I think all children go through stages of thinking something is missing - even the happiest. And you can't ever completely protect them. I just wouldn't think this particular absence would be an issue.

Original poster
LaksaLover · 13/01/2020 12:28

@starpatch, sorry, cross posted.

Can I ask how you spoke to your DS about it? Do you feel like they just wanted to feel like all their friends?

OP posts:
starpatch · 13/01/2020 12:50

Hi OP no this was when he was very small 2 to 4. He really wanted a dad. So that's why these were not long conversations I just felt it was about acknowledging what he said. I wasn't expecting that at all as I thought foolishly he wouldn't miss what he hadn't had. But like I said my friends who are two lesbian parents with donor conceived children seem to have had less sadness. The children still had the experience of having two parents.

In fact he only had one friend who had a father until he went to school, I just seemed to gravitate to same sex and single families, so he wasn't comparing to his friends. It hasn't been a concern since he started school although he did tell his school friends he had a dad who lived in a distant town, but I thought that was fair enough if he wanted to deal with it that way and avoid questions.

SarahAndQuack · 13/01/2020 12:54

Oh, mine's just gone through a major 'daddy' phase. I don't think she wanted a daddy particularly, but she did want to know what 'daddy' was and she talked about daddies a lot. She's nearly 3. I think they all do it. There's another kid in her nursery who apparently went around asking his mum tearfully why [DDsname] has two mummies and he doesn't.

Binterested · 13/01/2020 13:00

My DS really misses having a dad too. Dd who is older is not bothered (so far). He misses having what his friends have (someone to teach him football to ride his bike and all that lark). Funnily enough I had an absent dad so I never had any of that either - I think I underestimated that loss because I never had it and I assumed it would be ‘what you’ve never had you don’t miss’ and that hasn’t been the case for him.

That does make me sad for him. I’ve done what I can with sport and male friends and family etc but I see his sadness over this.

On the plus side we are generally a happy and functional family.

The DCs can find out donor info at 16 or 18. Who knows whether there will ever be a meeting. That will be down to the donor. The DCs would definitely like to meet.

Original poster
LaksaLover · 13/01/2020 14:04

@starpatch, glad to hear that your DS is learning how to deal with things in his own way Smile

@Binterested, that must be tough. I can completely understand your thinking in terms of not having a dad around yourself. Both your DCs have reacted differently though, so I guess you just never know how a DC will handle it, as they're all individuals.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaksaLover · 14/01/2020 09:00

Sorry @SarahAndQuack, I thought I had replied. You speak a lot of sense and actually, regarding bonding, I always said that if we had adopted, I would love them as if they were my own. As you say, it's the taking care of them that makes them yours.

I think I'm slowly realising that I will get my head around the biology of it, but my main issue is our DC being resentful that they're unable to have contact with their biological father until they're an adult. I don't want them to have an identity crisis, so I suppose we just need to equip ourselves and preempt those awkward, but inevitable conversations.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaksaLover · 14/01/2020 11:50

Just giving this a bump in case I've missed anyone who can relate and can share their experiences Smile

OP posts:
Shazzanat · 14/01/2020 11:54

@laskalover when you adopt they are your own 😏

Original poster
LaksaLover · 14/01/2020 11:57

@Shazzanat, no need for the eye roll. Given I was talking about biology specifically, I think you knew exactly what I meant.

OP posts: