Depressed DS been told by school that he won’t be ready to sit GCSEs

[Skybluepink123]

My DS has had a lot of time off school over past term with depression and anxiety. His school have already shown very little support towards him and (whole other story) have actually contributed to his poor mental health. But he is desperate to see that his life can improve and wants to try to return to school in order to prepare and take his GCSEs. But the school are saying that they can’t support this as they feel he’s missed too much work and it could cause extra stress to him at an already vulnerable time. They’ve suggested that he works towards his GCSEs but takes them once he’s joined a sixth form. To say this has devastated him is an understatement. He is so upset and feels as though he has failed. I have tried reassuring him that it might be better for his MH if he does take the exams in a year’s time but he won’t hear of it. He just keeps saying that he has to try to put the effort in now and sit the exams in May and June this year. But I’m really worried as I can see that whichever path he takes, he could potentially become really ill again. Last year he was so unwell and felt suicidal so I’m afraid that this could happen again. If he works really hard now in preparation for his exams, this could cause so much stress that he gets very unwell again. If I say to him that he should listen to his school (a place where he feels very uncomfortable) and work towards taking exams post 16 then this too could backfire in that the feelings of failure (his view not mine), wasted opportunities and not being the same as everyone else who are taking their GCSEs this summer so the social isolation creeps in as well.
I don’t know what to do for the best. He’s worked so hard on his MH recovery, still has a long way to go and yet wants to start in his life in full. My heart breaks for him.

How well was he doing before he became unwell?

Really well. He’s a bright boy and was on target for very good results before he became ill. I think that’s what makes it even harder, as he knows what could have been.

I don't know what to suggest. But that's so disappointing of the school. I'm sorry you don't have decent support from them.

Thank you. It’s been such a terrible time and the school have made it much worse than it needed to be.

Is he able to maybe take 3 or 4?

They could very possibly be right that he isn’t ready to take the exams as they’re starting in no time at all. This could be out of genuine concern for his wellbeing but could also be because they’re afraid poor scores will hurt their league table results - I really wouldn’t like to pass judgement on that without full possession of the facts. Did he do his mocks? If so, how did he get on? If they were okay he could be in a good position to fight his case.

On a personal note, I failed all but two of my GCSEs first time round and I’ve always been very good friends with depression, anxiety and OCD but none of it stopped me acing my GCSEs the year after I failed. I got my A-levels, went to uni, I’ve lived abroad, bought a house and got married. I’m doing an MA atm and have a great job. Doing my GCSEs a year later than everyone else was just a tiny blip that I barely remember now.

I wish your son well and hope he follows the path that is best for him. The best decision I ever made was to stop trying to keep up with everyone else because I just wasn’t like everyone else... and you know what OP, I’ve had the time of my life on the scenic route despite the concoction of mental difficulties I continue to face.

Well, I'm not sure it's fair to slate the school for this particular decision. As you say, it's a hard one and I can see their point: he has been struggling on his current workload, and increasing it (catching up) is highly unlikely to go well.

Maybe you could discuss a reduced number of GCSEs with the school?

My DD has depression she missed part of year 10 and ALL of year 11, only returning about 6 weeks before GCSEs. She passed 5 (dropped some non-essential stuff) with reasonable grades meaning that not all was lost. She's struggling with 6th form now so if she'd had to take GCSEs as well that would have been even worse!

Have you had any support from the local authority, things like Early Help? Has your son got a formal diagnosis and is he on medication? Has the school applied for exam concessions for him? If he wants to try, let him, and the school must support him.

My heart goes out to you both. Key thing is that decisions are in his best interests (rather than school's). This needs to take account of the impact of not doing them and the likely trajectory of his recovery (which school may not be thinking about). Is he getting support from a SENDCo you trust? Would asking for an Ed Psych to assess the situation to help determine what might be best, help? Are there options to sit some or all of them externally? Is there any local authority support available?

Good luck, and please don't be fobbed off if you think the suggested path is not in his best interests.

I was also wondering if there is a middle way to be found. Say do half this year and half next?
The workload for GCSEs is much higher now than in the past and it would certainly be tough trying to catch up on a full set by May. My DS did his last year, and even though he is pretty bright he found the workload quite tough. If he had missed a lot of schooling I would have been inclined to defer at leadt some rather than risk him doing badly in all of them. As elenacampana says, a year is not such a long time to wait in the great scheme of things. However, I do appreciate that your DS probably doesn't see things that way at the moment and that keeping up with his peers is really important to him right now. Maybe doing a few and hopefully getting good grades would help combat the sense of failure that might come with deferring all the exams without putting too much pressure on him?
Is there anyone in mental health services you can get support from?
I hope you find a way forward and that your son continues to get well - it must be a very difficult time for you both.

Elena thank you for such an encouraging message. I’m so pleased for you that you recovered from your depression, anxiety and OCD to the point where you took “the scenic route” and have had so many wonderful things happen. Well deserved, I’m sure. I hope that your health continues to improve so that many other joys await you. 💐
Dishing sorry to hear that your daughter is struggling in 6th form. What is she struggling with? My DS has an EHCP which I’m hoping will help somewhat at 6th form, although school didn’t apply much of it!

Thank you MAFIL for your kind message. We’ve had a truly horrendous time and my son yearns to be just like other young people his age but the reality is that he is still fragile. Reducing the number of subjects is an option I’ve suggested but he says that it feels like I’ve given up on him just as school have done. Through tears he says that if I don’t believe in him then he has nothing. It’s awful as my instinct is that he probably isn’t strong enough to cope with exam prep and stress but equally I’m scared of the effect on him if he either doesn’t take them or as many as originally planned. He has high standards for himself and I keep reminding him that, first and foremost, he needs to be kind to himself.

Just be aware the school may not have his best interests at heart at all times (they may be worried about his grades for their own stats, sadly)

So if you you and DS

I didn't know that you could take GCSEs other than English and Maths at 6th form.
Also,did he do the mocks before Christmas?
The usual solution if time has been limited by illness is to retake the last year but that won't help you if the school is part of the problem/not helpful.
If he knows what he wants to do post GCSE the concentrate on the subjects he needs to get him there and the English and maths.
If he is determined then support him(if his MH suffers you are no worse off but if he manages..)
My DD went through some of this but missed little school because of their support.

He has an EHCP and the school are telling him to forget GCSEs this year?! So basically they want to wash their hands of any extra effort?

My DD is struggling with everything because of her depression - workload, attendance etc. We don't have a EHCP yet but I do use all resources available to me to force the school to help her - do you have an IAS in your area? They come to meetings with me and "remind" the SLT what their obligations are.

If your DS can't sit the exams then you can decide that at any time - but certainly don't let them write him off now. DD's school entered her for as many as possible (5) despite her never having done any mocks, they applied for all the concessions, extra time, allowed to use a smaller room and to leave the room at any time, and they didn't force her to attend any lessons or revision. Some teaching staff tried to help her although to be fair they had no real idea how but they were sympathetic, they admired her drive to take the exams and with the evidence of her depression etc., she was allowed an additional % on her marks and that meant she got some reasonable passes. The school weren't keen initially to do any of this, they would have preferred her off the roll I am sure, but my Independent Advice Service lady was brilliant.

You can be added to the GCSE exam list at any time and removed from it at any time, although ideally the concessions need to be applied for by half term.

BTW, whenever I used to post about DD on here I would always get people like Elena who had first hand experience of mental health problems and brilliant stories about how they overcame their issues, you can re-take/re-sit at any time etc., and that is amazing, I really wish that my DD could do that, but - a tool in controlling her MH issues is that she has to feel she is in charge and able to keep trying to succeed, to keep up with her peers. Challenging that misconception, noble as it is, sends her into a tailspin. Is that how your DS feels I wonder? But even if he does feel that like, in 6 weeks time he might decide you know what, lets just forget it this year.

My point is that should be his decision, not the school's.

Just to pick up on a previous post. Check out what sixth form/college can offer him. If he is in state education it is a bit misleading of the school to imply he can resit his GCSE's next year - that isnt true. He can resit Maths and English alongside a level 2 vocational qualification. I am sure you have a lot to think about at the moment- but please do this research as well. I wish your son well on his road to recovery.

Skybluepink123 My son has been suffering from anxiety and depression(bullying). School have been woeful as regards MH support so pretty clear we’re on our own.DS managed to keep attending. That said he wasn’t able to focus in class or tests for at least a couple of years, fell apart during mocks.He dropped Spanish and uses those sessions to do extra revision. He has a way to go re MH too but is making baby steps and I’m so proud of him.

He’s working his way through CPG books in subjects, will be moving to Senaca and is switching schools for Alevels . Def upturn and he feels he’s in control now which is really helping.Also excepting we’re on our own has helped. He’ll get what he needs for sixth form and were not bothered now re 8/9s just going for what he needs, anything more will be a bonus. We’ll explain further down the line that he had a shit time during GCSEs. Focusing on Alevels in a less toxic environment and the future has given him a goal.

Could he drop a couple and arrange to do extra work then?What are the requirements for 6th form elsewhere? If he’s bright and was doing well he could surely pull off a few. Would aiming for lower grades help re the pressure? I do think everybody should listen to your son. He knows himself best and the control thing will help.

Feel your pain, this situation for parents is incredibly hard, people just don’t realise.

💐 to you too S0up it is so hard, isn’t t? I wish you and your son well. Take care of yourself as it takes its toll on everyone.
Dishing you are so accurate in what you’ve written and the way your DD copes and thinks sound very similar to mine. Feeling out of control is overwhelming and causes even more stress. 💐
The Ed Psych has suggested an access course which will give DS 4 GCSEs and can be studied in one year at Sixth Form. But DS sees this as failure and isolates him from the life he yearns for. However it may be that circumstances mean it is the only option. ☹️

Can he articulate what exactly is the life he yearns for? And why this option (which may actually be his only realistic option) would isolate him from it?