So the relationship started off very abusive (in hindsight) over a decade ago but despite many, many, occasions where I should have left and thought about leaving I obviously didn't. 3 kids and a huge amount of reading and research (particularly MN) later I'm realising a lot of my life has been spent pandering to his mood swings and sulks, not arranging nights out with anyone, not talking to anyone male, giving up work etc (altho that would be necessary now because of the cost of childcare and rural location when I don't drive). My problem is that as time has gone on and I've started reinforcing proper boundaries the 'abuse' has reduced dramatically so to now split up when he's soooo much better than he was makes me feel like a terrible person. Does anyone else get what I'm saying? It's kind of like all the previous things have been swept away so I can't use them as a reason (and I have also behaved badly in retaliation) anymore, but the more I learn and the older I get the less I'm willing to put up with. I don't really know what I'm asking for help for, I think maybe there's a part of me that thinks if he can improve his behaviours now that I'm stronger then I should wait it out cos he's honestly not a bad person, or at least he can be pretty much perfect (I know, I know, the cycle of abuse 😕) but I really don't think he behaves like it intentionally. The less I tolerate, the more he acts like a nice and normal partner, but I think I'm stuck between believing people can change and believing in the script an abuser uses intentionally.
Shit, that turned out way longer than expected. I just wanted to be as accurate as possible so u all don't get the wrong impression of him, I think he can genuinely be a really good guy, he'll help anyone anytime.