Children at a funeral

[user2314]

Hi I'm a long time user but can't be bothered changing my name back.

I can't decide whether to allow my 7 and 9 year old to my great uncles funeral.

All my family will be together and selfishly I wanted my kids there.

Obviously they are upset but weren't hugely close to him.

In the last 8 years I've lost 7 close family members and they have grown up with loss since they were babies.

I was 6 and 11 when I first lost family and an adult when I went to my first funeral.

Am I just thinking of myself? I'd rather them be with me.

It will be a catholic funeral at his church then to the crematorium. So longer than usual or longer than usual for me.

His wife my aunts funeral was long but not personal so I don't think it would cause to much upset and I suppose I could take them out if they got upset.

However I know the crematorium May be more upsetting.

Am I just thinking of myself?

I not sure who could collect them from school either as I don't drive and family will be going straight to his local pub afterwards plus I don't want them upset at school. They are both having issues at school and don't need extra stress.

Any advice please

This has been done to death on here. People have very different views.

Because of my early experiences with death, I never wanted to hide it from DD and she has attended funerals from the age of 6 months. (She’s now 9 and has been to 4 or 5.). She didn’t attend a cremation until she was 7 though, and that was because of how close she was to the deceased and the whole service was there. She was very upset but glad to have her name mentioned in the eulogy and found the stories about her great grandmother fascinating.

I think it’s a part of life that none of us can avoid and it’s important to normalise it and the emotions around it. She has experienced the joy of special memories and that it’s okay to be sad and to miss someone that you loved, and to know that you never have to forget them. So I’ve done it for that, not because of who else may/may not be there (cousins etc).

I have taken my dc to family funerals. The first one they were 10, 8 and 6 and I’d make the decision to take them again. It was upsetting but they coped. They went to 2 funerals that year).

The year prior to that, we left them at school for the funeral but took them to the wake so they could see all the extended family. That was a nice compromise actually, and family appreciated having them there to lighten the mood (we’ve done that 3 times actually).

I've never seen a post about this. Not a very good choice of words really.

I took my then 3 and 5 year old to my father's funeral (which was at the crematorium) but not to the lunch after as thought they'd be bored.
The next year they went to their own father's funeral and I was glad they had been to one earlier as they knew what to expect, and heard lots of wonderful things about their dad. Obviously very emotional for me but I couldn't imagine them not being there for either.

Children have the capacity to understand the permanenece of death from the age of 7 and funerls and other rituals are part of the grief process. We should not hide the facts and the normal cycle of life and death BUT, yo need to think about whether they would be upset because they are not quite mature enough to properly understand, or whther they would struggle to see adults upset, or whether they would be too much of a distraction. If you do decide to take them you need to explain the whole procedure to them, no surprises, esp any cremation which can be tricky, and the fact that adults will cry

Thank you for the replies. Is it also unfair to have them sit in the church for 30 min not understanding what is going on? My great aunt and uncle used to take us when we stayed over and myself brother and sister didn't even know why we were there.

Sounds like it’s a logistical problem for you to take them, plus they are having issues at school, plus you say they weren’t particularly close, so no, I wouldn’t take them for these reasons.

My DC were at a funeral aged 5 and 7 but that’s because DH died.

There will be lots more opportunities for them to confront the realities of life and death sadly 😔

Love to your family

Apart from for a certain sector of English society, children attending funerals is entirely normal. Of course, take them. Nothing ‘selfish’ about it. Sorry for your loss, OP.

If I'm honest. No they weren't close. He was a very reclusive man. We saw him at Christmas Birthdays Fathers Day etc

But now my both sets of grandparents aunts uncles and my dad have passed they only have extremely close family left so I think I'd rather then go now so they know what to expect if that makes sense?

I’m not convinced of the benefit re knowing what to expect over the practical difficulties you’re going to have in taking them. Every funeral is different, and if their next one isn’t pretty soon they may well not remember much anyway. And I’m not convinced knowing what to expect helps with every situation in life anyway tbh.

But totally do what you feel is right for you and your family

Thank you all. I am autistic and I'm influenced by my family.

I do not do anything without asking their advice.

They don't think I should take them but they probably think it will be worse on me seeing them there.

I haven't actually asked them or explained what would happen so I think I'll start there and see what they think.

My daughter didn't goto my Nans funeral she went to school and I still managed to pick her up. She has been to family funerals before. She was more inquisitive about it, now I don't allow her as I feel it's not a place for her. There was a family funeral recently, I didn't attend it as it was too far out the way and I needed to stay local to daughter's school.

now I don't allow her as I feel it's not a place for her.

My parents didn’t either.

I’m still having counselling for their decisions nearly 40 years later.

He still refers to the “great party”

One of DD’s great grandparent’s funerals was a real celebration of life. The children wore party clothes and we had afternoon tea and the children still remember it as “great grandma’s party”. I think that’s lovely.