Absent fathers

[Curiousmum69]

Why do, or are so many fathers absolutely terrible at maintaining relationships with their children after a separation.

Is it really a case of out of sight out of mind. Do they not consider the effect their sudden disinterest has on their children.

What can we do to make fathers more accountable for there children?

My father was one of those guys in and out when it suited, if I engaged with him and tolerated his ways I’d be showered with gifts and money. Best thing I did was cut contact as a young adult. You can’t make them do anything, but you can raise your children to know they’re strong and deserve to be treated better.

I hope you’re okay and your kids too, definitely not easy to deal with.

It's terrible. Father of my eldest two has not seen them for 9 years, no contact, no maintenance paid ever. I used to email with info but gave up - he never acknowledged or replied so I felt I had better things to do with my time.
Its his loss.

My 10 and 7 year old see their dad once a month. He has no interest in them. He was severely abusive and has told me numerous times he doesn’t see the kids to punish me for ending the marriage (their was police involvement due everything he did to me).

He lives 5 minutes down the road, lives life as a single guy with no responsibility. It took me about 3 years to stop the resentment and stop asking him to see them. We were married for over 10 years.

They’re better off without him in their life, just every now and then I get really angry at the situation and the injustice of it all.

There, not their!

The men are just purely selfish. They only care about their shitty selves. Probably never bonded with the DCs in the first place, which why it doesn’t bother them to walk away.

Because the fathers did not want them in the first place, men are not as keen on children as women. You only have to read on here about men doing their football, running, golf, sailing etc instead of looking after their kids.

My ex was the driver in us having children. I'd never seen it as my future. Didn't think I would be a good mother. Ten years on he has lived abroad for many years and though back now only sees them now once a month. No child support for the past four years. I would have said he was bonded with them and often cared for them alone when they were very small but after we split up he just got used to a single mans life and being without them. For me they're the light of my life and they know it and I have read that being the centre of one adults world can be enough so I hope that's true.

I have no idea!

DS's Dad isn't absent, but he's pretty much out of sight out of mind. He's done the basic EOW contact since DS was little ( now 16) and that's it. No extras, one holiday in all those years, no parents evenings, no sports days etc.

A PP said about the no bond before separation? I actually think that's right. DS was 4 months old when we split and his Dad showed no interest in him in those first 4 months.

Interestingly he went on to marry and have more children. That relationship broke down when the children were about 6 and 8 and their Dad seems to have much more of a want to see them. It's a kick in the teeth to hear - as he's never been that bothered about DS- but i guess he has a better bond with them.

He's just reduced contact again , to once a month. He's moved away and DS is into his vital exam years / starting college etc. I have no idea how their relationship will continue into the future

I found out my dads name a few months ago, I contacted him etc but even though he was polite, I could tell he wasn't really into it so I left it at that. Some people just don't want to be parents. unfortunately neither does my mother

It totally depends on the situation. My husband tried hard to maintain his relationship with his children but his ex went out of her way to destroy it. She fed things to them so that they would spy for her, tell us they were scared to come down. I recall her getting angry with the youngest because she wouldn’t stay with us but that wasn’t surprising after all that had gone on before, it just scuppered mums plans. She would drive past us to go away for the weekend but would never leave until the traffic was horrific and the poor kids and my DH would end up in the car until midnight. I will never say my DH was perfect but she made sure those children suffered coming to see us. In the end he had a breakdown and told me he was harming them by wanting to be their dad. He said he preferred them hating him rather than them being forced to choose. His ex was always happy to have the money but hated him wanting to be around. So he broke contact, he left his email address and mobile (he’s never changed the number just in case) and said if they ever wanted to talk to him he was there but would never force them.

In a lot of cases, men bond with their children through the bond they have with their mother.

When the bond with the mother is severed, so is the bond with the child.

Theres lots of reasons.

Lots of men didnt really want kids anyway. Their partner did so they went along with it. The see the kids as primarily the mothers.

They cut contact to punish the mother

They cant be arsed

They want to be able to do what they want, when they want. They probably did this when with their partner as their part was default childcare.

They dont want kids to impact their job.

On the flip side, lots of women see kids as primarily theirs. Theres been quite a few threads recently where women have made clear that women should be the primary parent and anything else is damaging to the kids.

One in particular thread had many women stating that if a couple splits they child needs its mother more, even if the father was the primary parent.

And lots of women know their partners would be poor fathers or dont really want kids, but have them with him anyway.

Theres so many situations, that could lead to this. Essentially the men are at fault. But I also think society feeds into the narrative that women are more important parents and that kids will be ok without their dad.

I always thought the bond was reasonable. They aren't small the youngest is 10, but it feels like he wouldn't see then if I didn't make the effort to ask him when he plans on seeing them.

Yet somehow I'm painted as this villian that is the reason he never sees his children. My reality feels like I've done everything to facilitate it

My pregnancy wasnt planned. We had split up a few weeks before i found out i was pg and he stated clearly he didnt want to be around so he fecked off till the kids (twins) were 7 or so. He has never parented them, only really sees them now out of obligation and because his new wife tells him to. Sees them every month or two months for a few hours but never alone, always with the other kids. Mine dont even care to be honest. Love their siblings but could take or leave dad. Its sad but it is what it is and im doing a damn fine job of it alone!

BIL sees his daughter once a year, if that. His loss, she's fantastic ( she spends about one weekend a month with her paternal family, despite her father's lack of interest- and she has a close relationship with her cousins. Unfortunately it can't be more due to distance).

In his case, I believe a massive part was not even finding out about her until he received a letter from Child Support when she was three. He had had no idea the mother was even pregnant. He tried for a year, then his wanderlust took over again and he lives the other side of the world. He just didn't see anything keeping him in the UK, whereas abroad there was a woman he liked...

My DD's dad sees her roughly every six weeks. I dont think she even sees it as spending time with dad. It's more obligation. She's 12 now and her interest in going has started to waver. By 14, I doubt she'll want to go and I wont push it.