Im worried for my brother - am I sticking my beak in or would you say something?

[Tinaarena]

Ill try and make this as brief as possible, he's been with his gf 4 years now. They've had their ups and downs like any couple do, and during this time he lost his father (my stepdad). During this time he turned to comfort eating - a lot. Hes always struggled with his weight since teens but since getting with his current gf he has lied on at least 10 stone in 4 years.

My mum and I are seriously worried for his health. I know I cant blame directly his gf - she's not putting the food in his mouth so to speak, but I dont think she's helped once bit. She doesnt have any female friends so doesn't go out, if my brother wants to go out to see his friends she gets really jealous and insecure about it to the point of crying (they are currently staying with me at the moment due to looking for a house) so I see it more than I ever have before.

I also see the amount of takeaway food they eat each week, the amount of biscuits i've found in the spare room where they sleep, Pepsi bottles, just general rubbish.

Im scared that 1 day he is going to keel over and have a heart attack. i serioulsy think this will happen at some point because of the way they both eat. When I say take away its not just 1 pizza between them, for example Friday last week they ordered a much box - this I found out was a 14" pizza box filled with chips, chicken wings, Donner kebab meat , chicken nuggets, chips and sausages. along with this they also ordered a portion of curry rice and chips, salt and pepper chicken and a burrito.

There was barely anything left and I sat in shock on my couch while they ate in the same room as me. This happens at least 3/4 times a week. When she does go home to her parents DB makes an effort he preps his lunches for work, gets up early to go swimming - he did manage to loose a few stone last year but his gf sabotaged him at every turn and eventually he caved.

Now they're officially moving in together im terrified that once hes gone hes only eating on his death sentence. I know someone needs to say something but how on earth do you bring it up? or should I even at all and let him be? he is after all a 30 year old man. I just can see how miserable he is being so big (not a guess, hes told me this many times), I just want to help him but I feel this particular gf will never let him get to where he wants for fear of loosing him and finding someone better.

I dont want it to come across as I blame his gf, I do in part but at the end of the day he needs to take responsibility himself for his own life.

Have you actually sat down and had a chat about your worries? What age is he?

I think I would have to say something but you must leave his GF out of it. She may not be acting in a way that helps him but ultimately it is HIS responsibility to look after himself.

If you bring her into it, you risk pushing him away as he may be defensive of her. You may also put him in the position of feeling stuck in the middle if he feels you have issues with her.

Speak to him about his health but you can't blame his girlfriend realistically.

When my ds was in an abusive relationship his dsis spoke to him deeply and honestly. He accepted her concerns. Over quite a short time he decided for himself to Ltb.
He is your db. You need to show him you care and are genuinely and quite rightly worried about him.
Why wouldn't you?

I think you need to beak out.

No overweight person is unaware that they are overweight and no overweight person is unaware of the risks of being overweight. Saying something to him won't make a blind bit of difference, he has to come to the realisation for himself and then do something about it himself, speaking up is only going to cause a rift and if his girlfriend really is no good for him then the last thing you need is a rift between you.

Be there for him, be supportive, but leave him to make his own choices including what he eats.

But the root of the overeating is his gf's quest to control him and isolate him from friends and family imo. That's the route to go on...

He needs to take responsibility for himself. If you think he would be receptive maybe suggest a doc appointment, they can weigh, check bp etc. and maybe offer some local support programmes?

What do you do to stay fit/eat well? I wonder if you can share tips/motivational stuff with him?

What you can do while living with you is ban food and drink in the spare room because of the rubbish.

I don't know what to suggest about his gf. He will have to lead by example and take more of a role in cooking I guess.

Hi and thanks for the replies, I was ready to be told to keep out of it!

I dont blame his girlfriend, he was large before he met her, I do think she hasn't helped one bit choosing to stay in and order food in as a treat at the end of the day rather than a weekly treat to save cooking etc.

I just see how much effort he makes when she's not around then shell come at the weekend and it al goes out the window, its always her saying what shall we order for tea. to give some background he has complained about her behaviour to me quite a few times in confidence. her idea of cooking the tea would involve fish fingers and chips or a pot noodle. he did al the cooking when they shared a flat together.

They've now found a house and the completion date is end of February, I see him stressing about the enormity of it all and when he's stressed he eats more. Im seeing him for lunch today and just dont know how to broach the subject that im worried for him.

On the relationship side i do think you have a duty to point out what makes you uncomfortable/where she is taking advantage. Ultimately his choice but as a caring sister I would.

goldfishgirl He is a civil servant so they have a work programme where they help you loose weight (not to hot on the details but this is the gist of what hes told me). he managed to loose weight last year - I could see his confidence grow and even his gf said she could see how happy he was fitting back into old shirts.

for a number of months she would come to the gym classes with me, I really admired her for trying and I even switched my membership to go to evenings swell as days so I could go and support her, but eventually came the excuses each and every time she said shed go. it got to the point it was embarrassing asking her when I knew the answer was no were staying in tonight.

If db is off work, she will suddenly find a reason to be off work too. if db finishes work early one time - she will also be able to finish early. I just feel she's a bit too clingy but nice in all. would this count as abuse though? He doesnt like her friends and she refuses to go out with his so I find the set up weird in that way that the only time they have is together, usually revolving around eating. I may point out swell although its him paying the deposit on this house (she hasn't got anything saved up) its been her choosing it and controlling him about where to live - this was a side of her I didnt particularly like and I mentioned to him she doesnt get a say if your paying for it, he agreed with me and he must have told her id said something because she ignored me for a few weeks while having a tantrum about the whole thing.

I wont bring gf up today though, ill just mention how worried I am for him.

I think to a degree you have to control your worries. It sounds like he has a lot on stress wise and it would just add to things at the moment. Losing weight is probably low down the list. Maybe make the focus more on listening. I know you want to help and fix things before they move out but it might just make him feel worse right now.

Oh wow that all sounds very co-dependent.

This has probably crossed your mind but should he be buying a house with her? Is she going to be on the deeds? Not sure how it works. Will she pay towards the mortgage? If she does and they split she could claim half the equity. Just think he needs to think about worst case scenarios.

This is what I asked him to lunch today to chat about, we've spoken in the past and along as his deposit is protected legally then I'm just there to listen and advise not to force him into anything.

The plan she came up with a while ago was to have the house in db's name only, she would pay half the bills and save up alongside this. then once she has half the deposit saved up over a number of years he would add her name to the deeds.

But this is all very amateur and I told him to get actual legal advise before agreeing to anything so I want to clarify today hes also doing that. Ill probably see how it goes mentioned the house and money and see whether I can push my luck further with other concerns too,

thanks for all the advise.

I'd ask him some questions and encourage him to talk. He isn't happy. You care about him. It sounds like the relationship isn't good for him. Is he sure about buying a house with her? Does he think their relationship will change over time? Does he feel supported? Does he enjoy how they live their lives? Does he think that will ever change?
There must be websites about codependency and unhealthy relationships
etc that could give you some pointers, or you could suggest he reads up on it.
The weight could sort itself out if he changes his relationship with her.

ontheedge you hit the nail on the head. I think the weight will fit into place if everything else in his life was ok. I know hes not 100% happy at all.

He confided in me just last week when telling me he was buying this house, I said are yo ok about buying it (only as he pulled out of one before christmas) and he said yes, I have a plan now if we split up I can sell the house and ill have made a bit of money.

Juts something made me stop nd think that you dont go into buying a house expecting things to go wrong but its ok because you'll have made some money from it. it should be all happy right now and I see exactly the opposite in him.

There is no one on the planet who can control his weight except himself. My DH is very overweight and has gained a lot during our marriage. I have stayed a size 10 throughout and successfully directed and lost weight twice when I found mine creeping up and felt it was required. I make a healthy meal every night for my family, myself and DS are of a very healthy weight (well me less so at the moment as due baby any day). I have absolutely no way to control what my husband eats and constant nagging does not make for a happy marriage.

He may be depressed, he may be more introverted than you and just prefer time in the house. She maybe doesnt like exercise classes, a lot of people don't. She may not particularly want to spend time with her BF's mother and sister who blame her for all his problems.

They have been together 4 years, they are trying to set a home together and you are meddling in the finances/legal issues around it all. Hes 30 years old and not a child. You have insisted on a position where she is particularly vulnerable if they were ever to have children as she has no legal share of a property and no rights as a tenant. Honestly if this were a reverse and she posted about her DP's nightmare mother and sister I'm sure she would get a lot of comments advising her to go no contact and to see a solicitor.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with him, so that's great.

beseen not sure exactly what you read there but ok... I’ve not insisted on anything of the sort. I’ve insisted that his inheritance used as a deposit is protected for him. Just as his father insisted too if he ever bought a house especially with someone who isn’t putting a penny in.

As for the rest then I feel you’ve read into things a little too much. I don’t force his gf to spend time with me, I don’t force myself into their relationship whatsoever at all. I’m concerned about my brother’s health that’s all. I’m sure you’ve felt the same about your overweight husband especially with a baby on the way - it brings to the forefront the what’s ifs doesn’t it. What if he’s not around to watch this child grow up because of his health etc .

Same sort of feelings with my brother moving away from the area to be with a girlfriend who likes to isolate him from friends and family. What if I didn’t say something now and stood back and watched him eventually get worse and worse.

Tina - don't pay attention to anyone who is mistaking your post for something else.

How did it go today? Hopefully your brother knows he can always chat to you and that you'll listen.

@Beseen19 double standards, every post where the woman puts up the deposit every posts screams ‘safeguard it’, why should it be different for a man in a precarious relationship?

The edge - thanks for the reply, We started off chatting about his house and he says hes really looking forward to it, yet his body language said something else entirely. he did say at least twice though that hes buying it now thinking if anything goes wrong with them they can split up sell it and they'll have made a profit. find this odd but if he wants to buy a house then ill support him.

He's going to New York soon with his gf so I asked if he was excited and if he'd planned to do anything when they got there, he named at leat 6 food places he wants to visit and I casually said you better be taking a lot of money then because if youre eating out in all these places you need to tip - this led to a whole discussion about how much to tip generally is 20% on top of there food bill. he sat puzzled so I said ok on average whats you're takeaway spend in just 1 evening he said around £30 - £40.

This alone shocked me and I think he saw it in my face, but I continued with conversation, worked out how much that meal would likely cost over there and added on taxes and tips etc he was horrified.

I said I don't know how you can afford to spend that much 3/4 times a week as your doing right now which led into a chat about it all, he admitted he's worried about his health too and does want to do something about it. I told him I loved him and as his sister the thought that you could keel over 1 day terrifies me, ive already had to bury my dad in effect and don't want to do the same with my brother. He did used to love going swimming, then winter hits and like most of us we give up as its a bit cold, but he did say he'd love to start going back again.

I dint press any further as I could see it was getting to him. so we left he went to meet his gf and I came home, he was with her all evening up in his bedroom when they got in so I just sent him a quick text later on to say hey hope you don't think I was having a go today, I genuinely just wanna see you do well and i've not seen you happy in a long time which makes me upset. you know where I am anyway.
Nothing was mentioned this morning, but I did go in his room (most of my stuff is still in there and he's fine with me nipping in when I need to get something) theres 2 packets on the bed of chocolate digestives, Jammie dodgers, a 4 pack of wispa's, more bottles of Pepsi, family bag of wotsits, empty box of fererro rocher. So this was all done im assuming last night between the 2 of them.

Think I just have to accept ive told him my concerns, its up to him now.

Dod they seriously est all that in one evening? How can they afford that if nothing else?!

That's really sad for you. Maybe just knowing you're a caring sister, and time to reflect, might have an impact eventually.

Not that it probably matters much, but does he sometimes eat a more healthy meal with you, sometimes cook, sometimes have a takeaway, or is he out of the habit of cooking now? From what you've said about the money spent on takeaway food it sounds more like they're continuing to put weight on rather than stay stable. (£30 must buy a lot of calories).

Regarding the thing about making money on the house. I'm sure you've thought of this already but most areas aren't really experiencing price rises at the moment, and most new builds drop in value before eventually increasing. It would be sad if he thinks he'll definitely have a house price increase that would cover the selling fees (Estate agent, legal fees, stamp duty, moving...) and be disappointed later.

The house thing I can see his point - the house hes buying is through a friend at work, they've dropped it by 25k to get a quicker sale as they have already moved to there new house and just want rid of this one, the area its in he's actually getting a bargain and will make money - thats practically guaranteed as its a highly desirable area in the city and 1 he thought he'd never be able to afford.

When his gf isn't here I do cook for my son and myself so will often include him if he's home for work, lately though i've just been adding his in and leaving it in the oven for him to stop him hitting KFC or elsewhere on his way home from work. He does like to cook and I keep reassuring him he's welcome to use the kitchen whenever he likes so if he feels awkward about taking over he really needn't at all.

And yes fagash that was 1 evenings treats for the 2 of them. I truly dont know how they can afford it in general but right now hes not paying any bills/mortgage/rent etc so they have a lot more disposable income while he lives with me allowing them to do this, I wonder will this stop when they move in but im sure they'll find a way around it and still continue to feed their obsession - pardon the pun

Tell him about this.

It will quietly address everything - his behaviour around food, the nature of his relationship.