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Original poster

DS meltdown in restaurant

29 replies

Januaryjanuary · 09/01/2020 16:48

Hello
I took my DS (currently awaiting assessment - ASD) to a restaurant straight after school today. He chose what he wanted and everything started off fine. He bit into a cherry tomato which squirted a tiny bit of juice onto his sleeve and suddenly it was like a switch had been flipped. Banging his fists on the table, screaming, calling me stupid. I quitely just asked him if he would come outside for a minute or into the toilets to calm down away from public view. This made him scream harder. I did not know what to do as every suggestion and distraction i tried seemed to inflame the situation. He had crayons and paper to colour on, his ipad, a little puzzle game. Nothing made any difference. People seated nearby were staring, I was very embarrassed. He then got up out of his seat and came and punched me on the shoulder. I kept very calm and quietly reiterated that it was unacceptable and could be please sit on his seat. So he sat on the floor. Finally got up and sat on his seat doing an exaggerated cough.
I grabbed our coats and told him we were leaving mid meal (we'd paid beforehand). I couldn't bear another minute in there with everyone staring. I kept reminding him that other people don't want to see this behaviour, it isn't fair on people who have come out for a meal. When he is in this frame of he is oblivious to people looking at him, he has no inhibitions at all. Cue more screaming when I said we were leaving. I felt I had no choice but to go.
I am waiting for him to calm down to speak to him about it.
I'm now back home and tearful.
He's 8.
Any advice how to deal with this type of situation in a public place? He's too big for me to lift and if he refuses to cooperate and just stands and screams it's awful. As he's getting older it's getting worse.
Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Januaryjanuary · 09/01/2020 16:52

Just to add... We had him assessed privately as school told us it would take a long time. The psychologist said he has traits of PDA and Aspergers. We've been under CAMHS (they were as good as useless).

OP posts:
Snowflake9 · 09/01/2020 16:59

You did a good job maintaining your composure. I can't say I would know what to do in that situation, other than doing exactly what you did.

I was sat in Morrisons Cafe yesterday and a little boy was having a huge melt.down at the tills. The mother was just ignoring him and carrying on. Fair enough, but alot of people in the cafe began to get up, stare and make horrible comments to eachother.

I had my 4mo with me. Made a few comments about how the woman is doing the best she can. So I made a point of standing up and going over to see if I could help. She had tears in her eyes, I put my hand on her shoulder and offered to scan her shopping whilst she calmed her boy.

How is your son now? Have you spoken about the incident? Please don't beat yourself up. Most parents have had a similar situation and you shouldn't feel embarrassed.

I am sorry for the ignorance.of the people sat near you.

Original poster
Januaryjanuary · 09/01/2020 16:59

Sorry I meant to also add, school are saying they will get him assessed but we don't know how long it will take. Feeling very overwhelming and sad, feels like we needs the support but it's not really forthcoming and he's very unpredictable and volatile.

OP posts:

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Families SEN
stargirl1701 · 09/01/2020 16:59

We don't tend to go out to eat with DD1 (diagnosed). It is too much for her to cope with. We do sometimes get a takeaway and she copes far better eating 'new' food in familiar surroundings.

We only really go out to familiar places - library, park, etc. I have photos of all these so we prepare our excursion and try to reduce her anxiety.

We go to the same holiday cottage every single year. The first day is always just one meltdown after another. 7 years is not long enough for her to feel comfortable there from arrival.

Original poster
Januaryjanuary · 09/01/2020 17:01

Hi @Snowflake9 he's ok now thanks, sat quietly watching TV. I've left him quietly for now so as not to make him angry. It's like living on eggshells.
I was annoyed with him but tried so hard to keep calm with him.
Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Januaryjanuary · 09/01/2020 17:03

@stargirl1701 the thing is with him he's normally OK with restaurants/cafes/visiting different places. It can just take one tiny thing to irritate him and he's off like a rocket.
He's a confident, happy and kind boy apart from his outbursts.
It is tricky trying to predict what will set him off

OP posts:
midwest · 09/01/2020 17:06

A loud noise would automatically make me look but honestly my only thought would be thank goodness it isn't me having to deal with that meltdown.
I promise I wouldn't be judging and that goes for most parents I know.

Original poster
Januaryjanuary · 09/01/2020 17:06

@stargirl1701 that's a great idea with having photos of the places to show her.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/01/2020 17:08

It must be exhausting for you both OP. But I think that these days, most people are informed enough not to judge.

And if they do, well so what. I think you handled it really well.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 09/01/2020 17:11

It sounds like you dealt with it really well op. You did well to remain calm.

Unfortunately no amount of telling an autistic child that their behaviour is unacceptable will make any difference; it isn’t voluntary and he can’t help it. I imagine a restaurant environment after a day at school was just too much and too overwhelming. My autistic 11 year old needs a quiet room with closed curtains to recover from a day at school and struggled to cope if she doesn’t get it.

bakewreck99 · 09/01/2020 17:18

I wouldn’t take mine to a restaurant after school unless it was absolutely unavoidable - I get then straight home. It’s a classic meltdown - you didn’t do anything wrong, your dd was overloaded and however calm you are, you then make more requests to calm down etc and that does usually make it worse. SN chat is good for support - you mustn’t worry what other people think, I know it’s hard and I cringe too but their opinion really is so irrelevant.

All I’ve learned is stay calm (if you can) and try to wait it out whilst not touching them as long as they are safe. The less you talk otherwise, the better, they’re overloaded.

Sympathies, the meltdowns outside the house are the absolute worst, especially if you get punched too etc

bakewreck99 · 09/01/2020 17:19

ds, sorry. It’s ridiculous it takes so long to get help - we are in the waitlist for camhs too.

Mylittlepony374 · 09/01/2020 17:19

In my experience it's often too much straight after school. Just overwhelming. I know that's not helpful now.
Visuals before hand sometimes help, of where you're going &what you'll be doing.
A pre-plan for what we do if we spill things etc maybe so he has a script for next time?
You sound like you did really well in a difficult situation.
I would say any time I see a child melting down I feel nothing but empathy for the parent, most people are kind and for those judging you that's their problem and usually comes from ignorance so try not to worry about them.

stargirl1701 · 09/01/2020 17:21

I have a folder in my phone. If we go anywhere I snap a photo of her there just in case I need it in the future.

Zaphodsotherhead · 09/01/2020 17:24

My friend has similar with her 25 year old son. She spends a lot of her life being mortified, but I just tell her that people either understand and make allowances or are ignorant.

I think most people are better educated about SEN now and are most likely whispering their sympathy for you.

tinseltitsandlittlegits · 09/01/2020 17:24

My son is 15 and he does the same if things don't go to plan eg tomatoes squirting. I have to leave the place because he wouldn't calm in that environment.
But I would never attempt to take him out after a full day of school as he's held it all in all day so even though he loves going places he's already ready to meltdown and it's too much after a day at school.

LemonySippet · 09/01/2020 17:24

Do you take anything with you to help him in situations like that OP? My DD is on the pathway but we carry a 'calm down' rucksack with us everywhere, which contains her ear defenders, a cuddly toy which she likes to bury her face in, squishies, fiddly toys, and small mindfulness colouring books etc to keep her busy as well as an MP3 player and her headphones. If she starts having a melt down in public then putting her ear defenders on helps hugely, as does having something to squeeze or fiddle with.

Obviously every child will be different but it might be worth having a chat with him about what might help. We sorted the bag out with her and change things in it according to her current preferences.

There will always be times when I end up in a screaming pile with her on the floor of a shop while unhelpful people mutter and stare but fuck 'em.

DICarter1 · 09/01/2020 17:25

It could be that if he’s been at school all day having to conform that one tiny thing could be the straw that breaks the camels back. I have two kids with asd and adhd. And it is a bit like being a detective and trying to work it all out. I figure if something small has set either of them off them they’re probably mentally exhausted.

Glad he’s okay and it sounds like you did really well trying to calm things down.

BlankTimes · 09/01/2020 17:27

I don't think it's irritation. Meltdowns, usually caused by sensory overload or not being able to deal with something out of his comfort zone.

It could well have been the surprise of the cherry tomato squirting like that which set him off. It's not something he'd encountered before and he didn't know how to deal with it, cue meltdown.

Some kids respond well to being held tightly during a meltdown, they find it calming, mine did, others hate it, you'll have to try it at home and see. Also afterwards, give them time to reset however they like to best, we used a quiet corner with a pop-up tent, cushions, soft toys and battery colour change lights.

bakewreck99 · 09/01/2020 17:28

Google coke can analogy. Comfort bags help us too. I love the photo idea.

Gazelda · 09/01/2020 17:29

I can't offer practical advice. But I promise you that like other posters, I wouldn't judge or pass comment at either your DS or you.
I'd just be silently wishing that the day gets better for you both.

Ohyesiam · 09/01/2020 17:30

Look into Hand in Hand Parenting, it’s a radically different approach that I have seen totally turn round struggling families in my social circle.

EmmiJay · 09/01/2020 17:36

What DICarter said. Exactly that. I learnt a long time ago not to divery from her routine if shes way too tired. I can usually tell by how she greets me after school. Talkative/ bouncy = straight home, no shops. Subdued(ish)/ making good eye contact = open to a quick visit to the shop. If I need to go somewhere after a long day, I'll make sure to 'warn' her beforehand so she prepares herself mentally. Its hard work but makes life so much easier (and keeps my blood pressure down.)

Bobbybobbins · 09/01/2020 17:48

I think you dealt with it really well.

Agree with the above that possibly a visit straight after school might be too much - maybe cafe or restaurant at the weekend instead? I have two DS with ASD and we can do very little after school.

Grasspigeons · 09/01/2020 17:58

I just wondered if, although it seems like a tiny thing has randomly set him off, its actually more a case of his is very overloaded and you are only picking up on the very final straw. It took me quite a long time to realise just how difficukt my son was finding somethings like restaurants - his meltdown might actually even hapoen several hours later.
Im soory it was tough. Some people judge but others dont. It sounds like you did really well.