How to boost DS' confidence?

[confusedofengland]

DS1 is 11, in Year 6. He has always been very academic, got picked for everything in Infants & Years 3/4, got prizes etc. In gifted & talented group. Always has good reports & is well-liked, although not part of a friendship group as such, but friends with lots of people.

He applied for Head Boy before Christmas & has just been told he didn't get an interview. Out of 6 boys & 6 girls applied per class (2), half of those got interviews. DS & lots of kids think that HT has a favourite boy & that boy will get it. Said boy is nice, polite & diligent, but not very confident & has recently been in trouble for hitting another pupil. Has been victim of bullying before.

DS is absolutely gutted not to at least be picked to interview. He had some great ideas & wrote a good letter, singled out for praise by his teacher. He also didn't pass his 11+ when he expected to, nor a sports selection test for another high school.

I am at a loss as to how to boost his confidence after all this. I have given him lots of hugs & told him he will always be my head boy 😍 I have listed his good qualities to him. I am encouraging him to go for Senior Prefect, but he doesn't want to risk rejection again. I have suggested he could ask what he could have done to strengthen his application. I have told him there will be other opportunities that might suit him better & everything happens for a reason. But still he's sad & understandably so, and I don't know what else to do/say. What else is hard is that I have always felt like this in life, like I'm not quite good enough & i know how soul-destroying it can be

Does anybody have any suggestions?

Get the book, You are Awesonw by Matthew Syrd. It will really help him change his outlook - that failing is not bad and can spur you on to greater things. It really helped my children.
Head boy/girls are often a bit spirited and the sort that have been in a spot of trouble - think Harry Potter rather than Hermione Grainger. Encourage him to chalk it up to experience and carry on.

We actually have that book, but I think he's had so many setbacks this year that he's finding it hard to believe

That should read You are Awesome by Matthew Syed (sorry on phone).

Shameless bump for any more advice!

Strength cards!! Throw them out on the floor and tell him to pick the ones that discribes him. Get him to place were he can see them everyday.

Choose new ones each week.

I do this with my boys..

Has he had other knock backs this year or just the Head Boy thing?

If it's just that then I think you need to help him by putting him into many, many more challenging situations where he struggles, has to work really hard, fails, makes progress, wins then fails again. It doesn't sound like he has much experience of that.

I can really recommend sailing for this. British Sailing has a brilliant attitude to helping juniors see winning and losing as part of the same journey. However, I'm sure you could find it in many activities.

Ah- sorry, I missed the bit about 11+ and selection. That is hard.

Maybe still the answer is finding his 'thing' that he can really focus on.

Kids who are used to doing well really struggle with rejection.

These things pass, I’d tell my own DD that it’s just not her turn and move on. These rejections and how you deal with them are good for his future when things get difficult.

Yes it’s disappointing, but it’s not he end of the world.

Did you discuss the other boy ‘being favourite’? Because that justifies his rejection? Rather than the other boy did better?

We did discuss the other boy being favourite. I asked him why he thought that. He answered because X gets chosen for everything, which is largely true. He also felt that X hitting another pupil should have meant X didn't get Head Boy, which I can understand. I said to him that maybe HT has experience of dealing/working with X & can see positive things about how he works & his ideas. I also said that maybe X needs the confidence boost, whereas DS comes across outwardly as very mature & confident (he is not though).

I do think we need to work with him & find his thing. He is very good at most things he tries, but not outstanding at any. DH is also like this, a Jack of all trades but master of none. I, on the other hand, can do one or two things very well but am rubbish at most other things. It's difficult to get a child to come to terms with this.

He's still upset this morning. Every little thing that doesn't go quite right (eg he dropped a badge from his tie down the back of the sofa) he says he's stupid & a failure. Struggling with this so much