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When people who have ghosted you but pretend that they haven't

12 replies

MandersPaint · 09/01/2020 06:28

A couple of years ago, my friend of thirty years ghosted me.

Just to give a potted history, we met at Uni. We have never been "Best friends" but have always got on well, met regularly and enjoyed each other's company. Our children played together (all DC are grown up now) and all was fine.

Out of the blue, my friend stopped contacting me. I was completely mystified as we had not fallen out or even had any cross words. Neither of us relied on each other for emotional support, so it wasn't a problem related to either of us being too needy.

I did try and ask what the problem might be. She basically said that I hadn't done anything wrong and she had some difficult stuff to deal with, but that this difficult stuff was nothing too terrible. She said that she couldn't talk about the problems she was having. As we don't share any mutual friends, I had noone to ask what could be wrong.

I tried to set up getting together but she dodged it. I also sent a birthday present which wasn't acknowledged.

The Christmas before last, I rang her and she said she would very much like to meet up. However, in practice it didn't happen as friend kept avoiding meeting. At this point, I gave up. I felt gutted that although she was saying she would like to see me, in reality she didn't. You can't force people to want you in their life. I was hurt and somewhat depressed about losing such a longstanding friend, but drew a line under it and moved on.

This Christmas (the same as last Christmas), I got a card from the friend with a message on "Hope we can meet in the new year". It was like having a wound that had healed ripped open again. I have ignored the card as I just think that she is going through the motions of d pretending that she hasn't ghosted me, when she actually has. I just think that this is rather cruel and dishonest.

Has anyone else had similar?

OP posts:
Nextphonewontbesamsung · 09/01/2020 06:49

It sounds like she has things going on in her life, that she doesn't want to share with you, that are making her withdraw. For instance, depressed people can find the effort of socialising absolutely too much at times. I have witnessed this countless times with my friends going through the menopause. Could this be the case with your friend maybe?

Gwilt160981 · 09/01/2020 07:04

No idea, but if she won't talk, just move on with your life. Friends don't just drop one another than cos they're at a loose end decide to pick the other friend back up again. Forget about her.

ConstanceL · 09/01/2020 07:22

It doesn't sound like you were ghosted. Ghosting is when someone cuts all contact with you. Sounds like she remained in contact with you albeit at a distance. If she said she had/has some difficult stuff going on in her life, why not believe her and not take things so personally. Could be anything from an ongoing health problem to mental health issues to financial troubles which meant she couldn't meet up.

TheBlueStocking · 09/01/2020 07:26

I'd give her a chance. She could have been having a breakdown. It's common to withdraw entirely from friends.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/01/2020 07:30

I might not be ghosting. She could have done this to everyone.

MiddleClassProblem · 09/01/2020 07:31

She sounds like she had depression or something and didn’t feel she could tell people. Clearly she was not seeing anyone as she told you she didn’t want others to ask about it either.

I have been there. I did want to see friends but couldn’t. I’d book stuff in and it would become very overwhelming (to a suicidal degree) that I would have to cancel. Then feel even worse with the added guilt if cancelling. So, for self preservation I stopped booking things in. When I was better I was able to see people again.

Redwinestillfine · 09/01/2020 07:33

Just leave it. It could be anything. She may indeed not want to see you and the card could be habit (had to write 40, got used to writing the same thing). It could be that she genuinely wants to meet up, has really been going through stuff, and wants to reconnect. Also it could be somewhere in the middle. Life has moved on, she's still interested in staying in touch and wants to know how you are, but not really have to make the effort to meet up. You may never know, but if she really wants to see you she will suggest an actual date and time.

Nottobesniffedat · 09/01/2020 07:37

Yes, I met my friend through work, best friends for 10 years supported each other through life events etc. I Went on holiday came back with some presents for her but was ghosted. We lived about 4 hours away so couldn't just pop around.

4 years later got contact back (cant remember how, might have been FB). Went to visit but she was off with me and different. Sporadically seen her over the following years and she's back to her old self.

I don't know what happened, whether she had a life trauma, new circle of friends or had just got sick of me. I didn't ask, I was just grateful to get her back. I was heartbroken at the time but I am a bit more guarded now.

Your friend might have needed some space OP but don't let her mess you about, you can only be hurt so much.

TidaQuel · 09/01/2020 07:47

Yes, met my friend through work. Great friends for 10+ years. Shared a house, went on holidays, supported each other through redundancy, she was an ‘auntie’ to my children. I know she was having a really hard time and tried to support her. Other mutual friends didn’t seem too concerned about her. I later found out that whilst ghosting me she was still meeting up with other mutual friends putting them in a awkward position.
Took me a long time to get over the loss of our friendship. She did send a birthday card but I never got back in touch.

gogetemtiger · 09/01/2020 08:25

Hi OP
I am sorry to read that you have been subject to this and can sympathise with your sadness.

Recently I have been somewhat ghosted by a friend, we have been friends a long time, my children have known her since birth and I've always enjoyed her company, we have no mutual friends but over the years have enjoyed day trips and nights away together.

Friend does have form for getting wound up over something minor, not telling the person what they have done wrong and then completely cutting them off or just completely distancing herself. She lives alone and works at a very senior level in the mental health industry so is very focused on her own wellbeing (which is a good thing) I've always known this to be the case.

In this instance, she will reply to my messages if I send the first one but her responses are cool and any suggestions to meet up are rebuffed. I recently dropped a Christmas present to her house and got a lukewarm thanks (by text) and nothing since.

I'm not sure what I could have done to have received this treatment but to be honest I am at the point now where I'd rather no friends than friends like this. New year, new start and even if she does make contact now I feel like this has damaged our friendship too much. I wish her well but ultimately I have to protect myself and second guessing my actions is not positive for me.

OP you sound lovely and I hope that you have other friends who are more deserving of your time and energy.

MandersPaint · 09/01/2020 18:30

Thank you all do much for your posts. I feel overwhelmed by all of your collective kindness.

In answer to your question @gogetemtiger , fortunately I do have other nice friends to spend time with. Although the disappearance of said friend felt like a gaping hole in my life to begin with, I have started to put it behind me.

OP posts:
MandersPaint · 09/01/2020 18:36

Nextphonewontbesamsung We are all at menopause age , do it is possible.

OP posts:
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