Sole Parent of Adult Children

[Karianni]

I have 3 sons aged 18 21 and 22. The 18 year old is doing A levels and going to Uni. I still receive child benefit for him. The middle one is studying again and has no income but also going away to uni in 2020/21. The eldest has been fired from his job but is using his savings (only a couple of thousand) to do a Uni access course. I just feel they think they're in kid mode still. I have to clear up after them. I'm the one constantly replenishing groceries and if theres no food they ask me wheres the food. They do do their washing but then it's just left in the machine or as piles of wet washing everywhere expecting me to hang it out or dry it. They do t help with cleaning except filling the dishwasher at a push but that's it. I just feel I'm still being controlled by a routine around them yet it's ok for them to come and go without saying where they are. I do t get any financial contributions from the older two. Help I'm not sure what to do for the best.

Family meeting to discuss resetting of boundaries. Be honest with them about the financial burden and ask what solutions they can come up with. I think as the youngest is still doing his a-levels, he shouldn't be expected to contribute, but the older two need to think about what they. An throw into the pot.

If they aren't prepared to help with housework then they need to pay for a cleaner. Throwing some clothes in the machine is not doing their own washing. In future any piles of wet clothes it clothes left in the machine go back into their room to be dealt with by them.

Discuss a weekly menu plan for the house, and taking it in turns to do the shopping/cooking. Maybe you could do a week each or different days. If they don't stick to it, leave them to it and just sort yourself out.

Eventually these young men are going to leave home and set up by themselves or possibly with a partner. You are not doing them or your future DIL or SIL any favours if you continue to facilitate them living like children.

They are not treating you fairly, but they will continue to do this unless you put your foot down. It isn't going to change immediately, but just be firm and consistent. Good luck!

Is there a chance that in September 2020 all three will have left home?

My 18yr old moved out last year, bliss

Your middle son would qualify for a student loan to study an Access course (which he will not pay back as long as he progresses and is successful at Uni) - paying the fees himself, with his savings is unessesary. I cannot imagine any FE establishment recommending this as a good idea. Access courses usually cost in the region of £3,500

Thankyou so much for your replies. This is the FIRST time I've been on here believe it or not. Mumsnet was around when they were all babies but I was so determined that I felt I ought to cope. Funny how its hit me at the other end! Thanks MaudebeGonne as well for your reply. It made me think is that all I need is someone to back me up and this is what Mumsnet is doing. I feel its 3 against one. I've told them were going out for a meal at the weekend like to Wagamama and going to have a chat about there being FOUR adults in the household and have to share responsibilities and set boundaries. I just feel theres so much resentment at the moment that I'm always in a bad mood and its driving a rift between us....all the parenting I've done will end up with them hating me. If the meal chat doeant work I'm just gonna resign myself and take myself away from them. Thankyou

I would deposit wet washing in a basket in their room. If it goes mouldy that's their problem. They sort their own ironing.

Meals should be cooked on a rota. Use a slow cooker if timings are tricky or your DC aren't so confident in the kitchen.

There should be some contribution to the home and I would be telling the oldest two to be looking for evening work. I certainly wouldn't be subsidising them if they're not working at all. How are they going to finance living at university? Will they need a job then? Much better to have some recent relevant experience before they go?

Sorry, it's probably all a bit harsh but DH is the product of parents who did everything. It's taken 20 years to get where we are and it's not something I will repeat with my children.

Not sure about Wagamama, are they paying their share?

I don't see how your kids can contribute financially if they dont have an income (though they could get jobs even if at university).
However certainly could do there fair share of cooking/cleaning etc.
My friend was moaning how shes had a lingering cold fir a month but her 30 year old son (home for Christmas) was expecting her to get up and make dinner (as was her husbamd). I said to tell them that there was plenty of food in the fridge... but she seemed to enjoy being the martyr. Are you sure you aren't doing the same? They should have been taught how to be self sufficient years ago.

It's funny as this recent episode was sparked by me falling I'll with stomach flu or food poisoning just before xmas and had to cancel xmas dinner with the boys and my parents. My 'partner's picked me up and took me to his house to look after me. I was really really poorly and lost a stone in weight. Kids went to my parents and their estranged dad for xmas. When I returned home on 29th December all they did was ask about food and other stuff....not how are you...do u want anything. It took me til only last week to get some strength back and did a belated xmas meal on sunday just gone...cos I wanted to. But still..I feel theres that expectation. It was this event that triggered this original posting. I feel enough is enough.

Thankyou...u made me laugh about the wet washing but very true! It has really overwhelmed me with all the support I've received.xxx

I suppose wagamama is because I can get their attention but things like this will be very few and far between now xx thankyou

I feel your pain and in a similar position! Daughter 20 son 14.i can't wait for them to go (so I can miss them).
Washing left.. In machine for days then rewashed aaaarrgghhhh!
No dishes/cutlery/good missing... It goes on and on!!
I might leave 😂

Food not good missing!!

I feel your pain too. I've just tried to have exactly the same conversation with two of mine as I've had some serious health issues since before Christmas. Got quiet treatment, then tears, then anger with a side helping of blame - you don't ask - and indignation - I cooked for you (once in 3 weeks). Ended up ranting that I felt unsupported, uncared for, unappreciated and now unheard. Can't understand how asking how we can change things leaves me as the baddy! I'm left feeling like a sulky teen - no one understands me, I'm feeling angry, resentful and wanting to punish them both. So I've retreated until I can act like a grown up again and I'll be watching this thread!

I'm so with u on this. I feel the same. Is it a generational thing esp with the financial situation now where kids cant seem to leave home! It is warming to know there are people out there like me. This didnt happen 20 or 39 years ago.i think its gonna get worse with the housing and rental market and low paid jobs for 18 ton24 yr olds. Theres no incentive for young people to set up on their own... But at the same.time there needs to be a movement for young adults at home to realise they have to take full responsibility etc etc .and cook and clean and do everything else we did at 20. This is not a dig at you g people because on the other side of the coin there are 22 yr olds who are nurses doctors teachers and police officers carrying out roles in looking after us all. Etc.

If anyone has any more comments or advice I'd really appreciate it as this is helping me xx