Starting to feel really bad

[PinkCatPenPot]

Have NC for this. Had a complete breakdown 10 yrs ago in my v early twenties brought on by a very stressful job and family trauma. Had to be off work for six months and was generally just an awful time. Met my lovely husband soon after and our DC is now 4, have generally been ok on and off since then with the odd blip and a pretty awful bout of postnatal depression.

Am now feeling on the edge again due to a combination of factors, quit another v stressful job last year and went freelance but am honestly not finding it that much better. DC is starting school next september and we will miss the primary school application deadline as we will move and will have to move after the deadline which is in a week. Moving is a whole other thing - can't cope with buying and selling at the same time and associated hassle and yet we absolutely need to move ASAP as our flat is just too small and we want another baby. Desperately want another baby but I am a good 2st overweight and feel frightened about associated health risks yet feel too overwhelmed to change anything.

DH is a relatively high earner and has urged me to just stop working and have some downtime, do volunteer work or whatever etc, but I can't shake the feeling that if I do this then he will lose his job or get ill etc and then we will be in the shit. We will be worse off when we move anyway as mortgage will be larger and his commuting costs will be much more, but he still thinks we can manage. I do not feel able to feel happy about anything or take risks as I feel then something bad will happen. I know this isn't logical.

I have had many years of CBT, counselling, medication etc and I feel that nothing really helps. I just feel totally on the edge and overwhelmed at the moment and it makes me snappy with my DC. All I really want to do is shut the world out and curl up with my DC and bake and watch films. I feel so pathetic.

Don't know what I am hoping for here really, just wanted to write it down.

Hi, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It sounds like you have a lot going on and it's all adding up. I'm not a therapist or qualified in any way to give advice, but there are some things that help me:

• it sounds like there's a lot of things happening that aren't in your control, particularly the house move. It helps me to just accept in my mind that these things aren't in my control and stressing about them does nothing (it's hard! it takes many, many repetitions for this to sink in)

• worrying about relying on one salary is reasonable, especially when you have a family. you say you freelance - would that be relatively easy to pick up if your husband did lose his job?

• what is it about your freelancing that you're finding stressful? could you cut back a bit?

• what can you do about the primary school application deadline? if you know where you're moving, could you contact the school there and ask for advice?

• you say you feel pathetic, which might be coming from not being able to control what's going on. it sounds silly, but for me just writing down everything that's worrying me, then indicating which ones are outside of my control and which ones I can do something about really helps. I then make a prioritised list of things, which helps me feel more in control. Would starting to pack help?

• Drinking less and exercising more (even going for a walk) make the biggest difference to my anxiety and overall mental health.

:)

Thank you so much for your reply

it sounds like there's a lot of things happening that aren't in your control, particularly the house move. It helps me to just accept in my mind that these things aren't in my control and stressing about them does nothing (it's hard! it takes many, many repetitions for this to sink in) I am trying to do this but it's just so hard!!!

worrying about relying on one salary is reasonable, especially when you have a family. you say you freelance - would that be relatively easy to pick up if your husband did lose his job yes, but even if he did lose job we would be stuffed either way to be honest, he earns about six times what I bring in

what is it about your freelancing that you're finding stressful? could you cut back a bit demanding clients (nature of the job), pulled in different directions, intrudes on my home life

what can you do about the primary school application deadline? if you know where you're moving, could you contact the school there and ask for advice? nothing to be honest, we don't even know exactly what area we are moving to yet. I really don't think there is anything we can do here except hope for the best.

you say you feel pathetic, which might be coming from not being able to control what's going on. it sounds silly, but for me just writing down everything that's worrying me, then indicating which ones are outside of my control and which ones I can do something about really helps. I then make a prioritised list of things, which helps me feel more in control. Would starting to pack help? thank you, I am going to try this

Drinking less and exercising more (even going for a walk) make the biggest difference to my anxiety and overall mental health. I stopped drinking when I had my breakdown in my twenties and haven't touched alcohol since. I also run 3-4 times a week which definitely helps

Thank you so much for your response x