Daughters first boyfriend

[Pieinthesky24]

Completely out of the blue, I find out DD (14 1/2) has a boyfriend.
He was one of the boys in her class who in November was expelled for having cannabis in his possession, and selling some to his friends.

Its a good school, my daughter is doing well, has a nice group of friends, but is still quite young in her ways.

I looked at her phone and she had told a friend that he forced her to kiss him.

We have spoken about it, I have obviously told her my concerns. But she likes him and doesn't want to end it.
This is completely new territory to me. If I tell her she can't see him, won't that be like a red rag to a bull?

I would love to hear any words of wisdom.
Thank you

Speaking as a woman who was once a girl like your daughter, please please stay calm, hold her, tell her you love her and keep her communicating with you. Be there for her because when it all goes badly wrong you'll want her to turn to you. My mum lost me. For years. It was awful.

When are they meeti g if they don't go to the same school ?

I'd be very worried about the cannabis and the forcing her to kiss him, her age is such a tricky one

I'd be tempted to tell her she can invite him round yours so you can keep an eye on things

I'm sorry Alone. That sounds so sad.

She has asked if she can go to his house on Thursday afternoon. She has the afternoon free and apparently he does too at his new school.

Definitely not if they will be alone. She might not think it is a good idea either and may actually be looking to you for an excuse to get her out of it.

If she told a friend he ‘forced’ her to kiss him I’d be discussing this further and DH’s using the fact that I don’t think being alone in a house with a lad who has ‘forced’ you to kiss him is the best idea. If they really want to meet up, why not in town or somewhere else public (bowling/ice rink - whatever’s not too ‘uncool’ these days)

Forbidding here to meet him/go to his house will only cause her to be secretive - it’s NIT the best way to deal with it.

Thanks for replies.
It does sound like she wants to see him on Thursday.
I'm trying to keep calm ( on the outside)
4 months ago she was still cuddling her teddy bears.

I'm the mum of an older teenage dd so understand what you're going through.

I would tell your dd that she isn't allowed to go to the boy's house if there's no-one else there. My dd has got to the stage where she spends way more time in her room or with her friends than she does with me, but is still quite open about boys. In her experience, an empty house definitely leads to the boy hoping for more than a kiss (not necessarily going the whole way, but more than your dd would probably feel comfortable with).

If he's already forced her to kiss him then he's the sort that is likely to put pressure on her to go further (not necessarily forcing her, but he's likely to use emotional blackmail).

It's such a hard balancing act as a mum. I try to not appear too shocked, critical or upset by anything dd tells me so that she continues to be open with me. At the same time, I've had lots of talks with her over the last few years about consent, respect, the dangers of sexting, the problem of double standards (girls and boys still seem to be viewed differently and treated differently for the same behaviour). It's so hard and I really don't know if I'm getting the balance right.

The only thing I can really add is being straight up about consent with her and very clear that anyone who tries to make her do anything she is unhappy with isn't caring for her. Also have you set up the "get out of it" clause with her. This can be for any situation, not just relationships. Agree a word or phrase she can text you that means she feels uncomfortable but that wouldn't look obvious to anyone looking over her shoulder that she wants out. Eg mum can you get me some....
If you receive it you know she wants out but it's better for her to save face. You then call with some made up emergency that requires her at home immediately and you'll come to get her. She'll need to act a little to sell it on the other end! You pick her up and here's the hard part - the deal is that she only tells you if she wants to why she want out. Make it clear you'd be happy to listen but that you're glad she used her own judgement. This also means she will know she can trust you and you will always be there. You will be desperate to know and eventually she might say but she might not. It could be if she's in a group with peer pressure to act out. It gives her a supportive out at any time.
Good luck and just reiterate you trust her and give her that safety net.

This is such a tricky situation, because you need to try and protect the trust your daughter has that you trust her, but at the same time parent and as an adult protect her from potential risks and situations that (from what you have described) she may not be mature enough to handle.

The huge red flag is that she has told her friend that this boy forced her to kiss him. Have you asked he what that means (it could be some misguided romantic idea of love, could be somehow protecting her reputation by not wanting to be 'easy' (very old fashioned stuff, but I believe 'slut shaming' is still a thing!), finally he could have actually forced or manipulated or blackmailed a kiss - and that is not good in any way). Okay, so you might have to come clean and say you've seen the message... But you need to be really honest about what manipulative and abusive relationships are - coercian etc. Maybe look online, because there were those great adverts on TV a few years ago where abusive teenage situations were play out and they came with a backup of websites etc to explain more. What I mean is, like a lot of teenagers your daughter might not want to 100% believe you, but reading online stuff it might solidify stuff.

I think preventing Thursday as a meet up will just make this boy and meeting him anytime the most desirable thing ever and terribly dramatic and romantic and she will try and keep secrets about it all ( it was years ago, but I was a teenage girl.once! 😂). I love the idea another poster wrote about - a safe word text that triggers you calling with some family emergency that immediately gets her out. I would also say (if you don't already have it) ask for the address she will be at. Also, as another poster suggested, if you can afford it, can you great your daughter and this boy to some kind of socially 'cool' activity in a public place? Just this once so that she at least gets to know him a bit somewhere where there's no other 'expectations'?

Essentially this is first love, puppy love as it used to be called - she's got no relationship experience, and raging hormones and at an age where she wants to believe shes an adult when as adult women we know she's not. Treat it gently but parent when you need to protect. Like another poster - my mother tried to clamp down on any type of relationships using a very out of date moral code, and all that happened was I told her nothing, probably stayed in situations longer than I should have, and although I was never in actual danger I had my self respect taken away from me many times. Me and my mother's relationship never recovered as she never actually knew what happened in my life from 15yrs onwards!

some great advice above, also, keep an 'open house', our home was usually filled with dds friends most weekends, it could be a pita sometimes but its a really good way of knowing who her friends are and waht they are like, always know your enemie seriously, keep talking to her, try and treat her like an adult, she may not be one but she thinks she is!

I also found I could guage when dd needed me to step in, occasionally I could tell that she was overwhelmed, tired and just needed an 'out', that was when I would put my foot down about something and there was no backlash she just needed a boundery but couldnt articulate.

I'm 24 so it hasnt been that long since I was a teenager, and in the social media age. Id say try to keep her telling you things. I never had that relationship with my mum where I could bring up a boy of any sort.

Tell her that a little bit of cannabis might be to look cool to friends but if it's a habit then it's more of a problem and she doesn't want to get into the financial repercussions of owing weed money because of her boyfriend.

Let her have friends over and her boyfriend and trust that she'll make the right decisions.

Support her through this time, she's having a hard enough time already.

Emergencies are a good idea to give her an out whenever she might need one.

Really helpful feedback.
Many thanks