How to have a meaningful relationship with my parents

[thetrinityisshite]

This may turn into a ramble..

My parents are both heavily involved in Mormonism. I disagree with the majority of their teachings and would consider myself agnostic/atheist.

I was raised in the religion. Our entire lives revolved around it. I was told my real friends would be other Mormons, I couldn't be friends with the opposite sex on a long term basis as they will get married, marriage and babies were the only option, any career or education need to fit round this. This is before we get to homosexuality being an abomination and black people bring the curse of cain..

Anyway my mother was born into it and my father converted as a young adult.

I left when I was 18. I tried to tell my parents of the historical inaccuracies and however they told me they didn't want to know.

My mother claims my sibling never told her she was gay even though the conversation happened a decade ago and they said they didn't want to hear anything else!

I'm now in my late 30s children. Our relationship has never recovered. We have an incredibly superficial relationship, I think my mum suffers from anxiety / depression and has a need or want to speak to me every day but literally has nothing to say.

We are polar opposites in our beliefs. I'm quite sure their relationship is conditional on continuing to follow Mormonism.

How can I build a better relationship if this life changing event can't be discussed? If they only want to know boring mundane shite? If all arguments and disagreements are brushed under the carpet?

Is it possible?

Named changed.. penis beaker, balonz etc

I think you've missed saying what the life changing event was? Or do you mean leaving home or your sibling coming out to your parents?

I'm not sure you can have a meaningful relationship under the circumstances. Is your mother interested in her grandchildren? Wider events in society? Does she ring up and dominate the conversation while saying nothing much, or can you talk about your children, your job, the news, books, pets...?

The life changing event would be discovering the religion you were raised in which affected every sphere of my life was a complete fraud. They were not interested in why I wanted nothing to do with it and still don't!!

They are interested in my kids, that's true. They like children but struggle when they get older and develop emotional intelligence

She does ask questions but I get the feeling it's all about her. She wants to know what I'm up to so she can tell her friends and ease her own insecurities that she has spoken to me . I don't think she is genuinely interested in knowing just for the relationship. I'm not even sure I'm making sense !

Anyone? lost cause?

As a fellow escapee I feel that believers are deceived - they aren't deceivers. If that makes sense. So I feel sad rather than angry and just accept that you can not argue with it and why should you.
People are entitled to their beliefs and it's important to allow for that (even if it's something awful which doesn't deserve respect and there are a lot worse things out there than LDS). I think your parents are who they are. You can't change them and it isn't your job or right to change them. If it's superficial then that is something you either can accept or walk away.
Walking away is also your right.

Realising that your parents are fallible and wrong about some fairly fundamental things is part of growing up for pretty much everyone. Them being Mormons makes it a bit more intense but I think it's incredibly common to be brought up in a religious household and realise you're an atheist once you stop drinking your parents' cool-aid. My parents have been waiting for me to "grow out of" what they consider to be an "atheist phase" for over 30 years now.

I suspect that your life changing event was just growing up, it's just a bit more intense because Mormonism is more intense than other denominations.

Your mother's world is probably very small and she's self involved and rather dull from what you say - maybe she's depressed. She certainly sounds difficult to talk to.

It's hard to advise because your situation is fairly nonspecific, you just don't have much in common and aren't very interested in one another as people. So it's unlikely that you will have an especially meaningful relationship unless you develop genuine interest in one another's lives.

You will never have a better relationship with them. I'm sorry to be harsh, but it's true.

Hmmm. I think if you remove Mormonism and replace it with something else, your describing the relationship (or non-relationship) many parents have with their adult children. I think the crux is a failure to get to know their child as an individual, rather than just an extension of themselves and their own values.

I recognise the ‘asking questions so I can tell the Joneses’, the lack of interest in major events in your life, and the total tunnel vision from my PIL’s relationship with DH. It used to really upset and offend me on his behalf. He seems totally resigned to it now. We tried for a long time to get a deeper relationship with them, but even if directly challenged over the situation they just ignore or clam up.

I now realise some people really don’t have the depth or complexity we require of them, and PIL are in that category. Since deciding they couldn’t offer what we were looking for from them, accepted the shallow nature of the relationship we feel much better. We just have more energy to give to people who actually give back.

I think you are right @FourStarsShine. I blame Mormonism for it though. They strip you if your individuality till you are nothing but a sheep completely controlled by them.. right down to what pants you wear in the morning.

Have you come across the /exmormon group on Reddit OP?

I'm sorry that you went through that but I'm sure parents can be mean sometimes but to cut someone out of your life just because they believe in something you disagree,it's silly(unless they agree with killing people).
I used to be an atheist and discovered the LDS Church when I met my husband. All my friends and family are atheist or from a different church/religion but we never had an issue because of it(we don't judge or care tbh).
The only thing you can do is to be neutral and to stop taking everything so personal. We're all different and unique individuals no matter what skin colour we have or belief.
It's true some people from the church can be hypocrites but I haven't seen a church without them (and I've been to plenty out of curiosity).
If you have any questions just feel free to ask (I had few people in shock with my transition).

@MalusDacus - Don't take it personally? How? How can you not take your parents not having an interest in you personally?

They may not believe in killing people but they fully support an organisation that has at best condoned murder ( mountain meadows massacre) and continues to drive young people to suicide because of their sexuality.

That's @GarethSouthgatesWaistcoat. Googling now

You just have to stop expecting people to change for you just because you don't like it. Suicide is more complicated than it seems to be.
At this church I've seen they are treated as humans(they are helped and excommunicated in case they are sexually active but it goes the same way to straight people..no discrimination whatsoever)compared to other religions.
Anyway,I wish you luck in finding and having good people around you (they are rare).

So are you saying the Mormon Church excommunicates all gay people Malus?

@Lilimoon - yes unless they remain celibate.

It is completely discriminatory as mixed sexual couples can marry and have sex. Same sex couples would be excommunicated.

Thanks Trin. That is horrific. For me that sort of thing would be incompatible with having a meaningful relationship with anyone, including my parents.

@MalusDacus - it's really not very complicated at all. The church's policy on homosexuality and gay marriage causes suicides. You can't just pray the gay away I'm afraid, not should they have to!

@Lilimoon - unfortunately thats just the tip of the iceberg! My mum claims she must be suffering from ptsd as has no recollection of being told that by sibling was gay!