I just have to share this.

[MilkTray22]

I hope you don't mind mumsnetters but I have to share this and there is no one IRL that I can tell. Literally no one.
When I was 18 my first boyfriend died in a car accident. Four nights ago I had one of the most horrendous nightmares of my life when I dreamt that he didn't die but instead he ended up with horrific brain damage and he needed round the clock care and he didn't know any of us anymore. I know it was only a dream and I know only too well that lots of people go through things like this every day but it was awful and it has really shaken me, I think about him all the time anyway but the nightmare keeps coming back to me. Thank you for reading, I have absolutely nobody that I could tell in real life and I just had to get it out.

I’m so sorry for your loss, Milktray22.
I think it was his way of communicating with you, and telling you had I survived this would have been my quality of life.

I'm not surprised you are shaken by that. You went through a really traumatic incident and it is obviously still very 'live' for you. Nightmares are a common symptom of a lingering trauma response. I wonder if you would benefit from seeking some professional help with this. There are lots of types of therapy but something focused on recovering from trauma might really help you to come to terms with this awful loss.

@Awwlookatmybabyspider thank you, I hadn't thought of it like that.
It was just so distressing that in the nightmare he didn't know any of us and we kept trying to make him remember and he just couldn't.

@CanISpeakToYourManager I think you are right. I have had trauma based therapy before but never addressed this in therapy. I think this nightmare has shown that even though I think about him all the time, I am affected even more than I thought I was.

I feel this pressure to be "over it". It was years ago but it will always feel so unjust, so unfair and so unnecessary to me that he died. And I'll always miss him. And it'll always hurt.

I don't really have anything useful to add but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss, it must have been very hard.

Sorry for your loss.
Anything you can think of that's brought thoughts to the forefront?

You’re being hard on yourself by saying I know it’s only a nightmare and lots of people go through this when I’m fact you’ve been through something very tragic and sounds like you might be dealing with PTSD?

I’m sorry you’re going through this, dreams can her very pleasant but also very horrid and stay with us and affect us in ways we think they shouldnt.

Can you do anything to bring you closure?

that's very sad

The mind is a funny thing

I dreamt of my grandparents last night, they were thanking me for money and crying. They have both been dead more than a decade now.

Thank you so much everyone for your kindness I'm really touched. I just feel like because it was so long ago and people go through absolutely awful things every day I should be able to deal with it? If that makes sense. But it still haunts me to be honest. Also he died alone which just makes me so sad. I don't think it's PTSD but I do think I have some work to do.

I can't think of anything in particular that has brought it to the forefront of my brain but I feel like it could be something subconscious like seeing a car accident on the motorway or something like that. I thought a lot about drink driving over Christmas and new year, there's obviously a lot of advert etc about it at that time of year. Perhaps it was that, I'm not sure. I think about him a lot anyway and I wonder what he would be doing now and how he would have grown up and things.
In terms of closure, I really don't know. At the time I took steps to learn exactly what had happened but I don't think it brought me closure really although it may have helped that painful wondering when you don't know why what happened, happened. I had some grief counselling but it wasn't massively helpful at the time to be honest.

I used to have bad dreams as a child and my Dad would sit with me and tell me all the good things to be dreaming about. Obviously, my youthful imagination would come up with 10 things (mainly sweets). I never went back into the same dream again though.

I know it sounds infantile, but could you try thinking of what you want to dream about instead?

My dreams are usually my brain processing some minor random thought I have had during the day, and 'putting it away' after letting it run off at a tangent.
Very sad to lose your always perfect (presumably) first love. It never soured, so you might feel you have missed out on your future with your one and only perfect partner. If the accident had not happened you might have tired of each other 6 months later.
Sound feasible??

for you OP. Something like this never really goes away, but you can manage it. The sudden deaths I've witnessed are vivid, but when the memories surface I remind myself that their pain was fleeting, and right up to the event they were doing what they enjoyed.

18 is very young to process such a trauma OP. The mind is a funny (and powerful) thing.

It sounds as though revisiting this in therapy could be so beneficial and free you of the emotions that have attached to the event. He, I am sure, would not want this to be affecting you in the form of bad dreams or guilt. I would speak to your GP about it or (if available in your area) self refer for some therapy on the NHS if private is a stretch.

Sorry for the loss you've experienced OP

You might find it helpful to know that time is irrelevant for a traumatised brain. The adrenaline means the memories are stored in the amygdala which has no sense of time or logic. Normal memories are stored in the hippocampus which is more like a sensible filing system.

Also, PTSD treatment moves the memories from the amygdala to the hippocampus, but it is very very hard to do that by yourself. It isn't really a self-help thing.

Your brains stored these memories where it thought it should and needs some help moving them to the right place. No blame.