Making a Will, can't agree on a legal guardian for DS

[Forgivemenot]

We're looking at making Wills now our baby is here and we jointly own a house. But we can't agree on who would be a legal guardian for our son. I think my sister as she is only a few years older than me (30s) lives down the road, has a young son herself and a good and very stable job as does her DH. I am also guardian for my nephew as I reflect the same values and in a similar position.

DP initially said his parents but I pointed out they are getting older. Then he said his children (currently teens) but they need to live their own lives and having DS would be a burden to do that. Lastly he said his sister. She lives abroad and DS won't remember her and she won't have much involvement in his life. Also should the worst happen we can't guarantee he would meet their immigration rules.

This is all hypothetical of course (unless we die) and it is obvious that I feel my sister is the best option. However DP thinks she is too liberal and therefore not a good choice. However she is a good person and who gives a crap if she is (well DP obviously!). I am not exactly conservative myself!

So my question is how do we come to an agreement?

How did you choose your children's guardians?

Is there a good friend/couple of you both that you trust? It doesn't have to be family.

Also remember you can change your mind later as circumstances change.

Your DH needs to remember that your DS will just have lost his two precious parents. He will be best looked after (imo) by someone he already knows, in familiar surroundings who can take care of him as a parent for the next 20 years. Not by an aunt who lives in a different country, or grandparents who will be in their 80s by the time he does his GCSEs.
Your sister sounds fine unless 'liberal' actually means her kids run riot and she thinks it's fine to encourage drug taking in teens.

Appoint both as guardians and trustees. They can sort put between them (should the need arise) who is in the best position to have physical custody. It will mean that there is balance between your more liberal family and his more conservative family which can act as a sanity check on any big decisions that need to be made. It will also mean two trustees for any money inherited so, again, a safety check in case either ends up with an abusive grabby partner/in debt and tempted to 'borrow' some of the inheritance etc.

If they hate each other and would constantly be at each other's throats don't do this. Worst case though is that a judge would decide which one is better placed to care for your DC in all the available circumstances at the time.

I agree re money. Definitely something to be said for a member from each family (and a neutral 3rd party) overseeing money.
But I do think being clear who you want to actually care for DS would be helpful. (Or who should make the decision.)

Would his parents want to start all over again raising a family? It’s a big ask for anyone never mind grandparents.

DH's sister is named as guardian in our wills. At the time she was relatively young and we told her that while we had appointed her guardian we did not expect her necessarily to have the children herself, but to make the choice about who it would be in their best interests to live with at the time. We then appointmented one family member from each side as financial trustees.

Your DH is being ridiculous and you are clearly right.

As a compromise I suppose you could agree on both your sisters as legal guardians which means they would make decisions between them and could hopefully agree on who the children would live with.

I am assuming you've discussed it with your sister - has your DH discussed it with his? She might not even want to do it.

Putting his parents or older children is an utterly ridiculous idea and you should definitely veto that.

Oh and if the two of you can't agree, you can each write different wills... you'll just have to hope that he dies first in which case yours will stand

Liberal as in tries to live a eco friendly life, thinks about where meat comes from and what life the animals may have had. Strongly against drug taking (I work in law enforcement so a definite no no for me!). Her son doesn't run riot or anything. Just good person traits

I worry about this. We agreed on my brother and his wife, decided when we each had one child the same age.
We now have two each, again similar ages, but they have a very complex and potentially awful financial nightmare on the horizon, and SIL has serious PND and PTSD. Plus between their family they have serious issues with food.
I'm not sure it's a healthy environment for my children to move into if DH and I died.
But I can't think of a better one.

I guess my point is people change, so the team idea suggested above might be a good one

Your sister sounds ace OP
Can I put her down for my DC?

We started with a relative of DH's.
But relative's family situation changed, and our DDs grew up.
We switched later to a friend who lives close, knows the DDs, and DD2 could stay at current school.

@AnotherEmma I like the way you think! He hasn't discussed it with her. My sister is happy to be a guardian. Our money and house whilst owned together we each own our respective share so I will have trustees for my share for DS. DP obviously needs to consider DS and his two older DCs and choose trustees accordingly. So our Wills will be our own, but I would like an agreement for a guardian.

@Owlsintowels yes you may, obviously I'll need to charge a finder's fee anyone else need my sister as their DCs guardian? see's new business potential

Do you mean left wing or socially conscious rather than liberal? What you describe isn’t what liberal means, I think that’s causing a bit of confusion. In your place I would suggest appointing one person from each side who can make the most appropriate decisions if the worst were to occur.

@bonnyconnie apologies, I simply used DPs phrase. Your assumption is more fitting. DP is a bit more set in his ways and has views which I don't agree with but you're probably right that liberal is incorrect but simply how he views her.

We have just been through this - and it is the most horrible decision ever! We had various family issues with our siblings so didn't want to use them, that made it very hard. Parents would be preferred choice but obviously are ageing. We eventually settled on my parents as first choice but if they were unable to cope then some friends we met when we had our first baby. Whilst we have only known them 7 years and have other friends we have known much longer we felt they hold the most similar values to ourselves and would bring the children up as we would wish, they are also local and it would save uprooting the kids at the most stressful time. It is a horrible thing to think about though. I'm with you your sister sounds fine - much more normal than the choices we had in our family believe me!!

I don't understand why he would pick someone your child is barely going to see or know.
It makes no sense. Surely a family member who is age appropriate, has a relationship with the child and happy to take on the responsibility is the better person then a stranger or a teenager.

We ended up with my sister as guardian, but included a Letter of Wishes that said we wanted them to remain in contact with their wider family (cousins, grandparents, and godparents) if at all possible, as that wider sense of belonging was really important.

We also put two of the godparents (with their agreement) as trustees for the money we would be leaving them.