What would you do about friend if you were me?

[hannah1992]

One of my friends, who I have been friends with since being a child, has been suffering with terrible health anxiety for the passed 3 years. (Ever since her nan died unexpectedly).

Bit of background. Shes married with 2 children and shes 28.

It started 3 years ago when she asked me if I thought the right side if her chest looked different to the other. I said no. From there she went in a downward spiral thinking she had breast cancer. She went to GP who said there was nothing wrong with her breast. She didnt believevhim and a week later went to A&E who told her the same. So was still saying it and went to see another GP who again said nothing wrong. She was convinced it was swollen ( it wasnt). Anywat that fear went away. From there on she has been paranoid about various illnesses. Theres been loads but usually lasted a week or so before she thinks she has something else.

Fast forward to yesterday. Her DH came round to our house, upset, saying he had to get out because he doesnt know what else to do. Hes spoken to my DH about it before and theyve been having couples counselling. So I left him here with my DH and went round to their house. (They only live down the road). She was sat at the kitchen table crying. Said that she now thinks she has cancer in the left breast because about 4 weeks ago she thought she felt a lump. She had been prodding around her boob for days before realising that it wasnt a lump and it felt the same on the other side. However now the breast is sore so now she thinks its IBC. Plus she has a "mark" on it. I asked her to look. The "mark" is a vein. The boob looks no different to the other one. I told her shes probably made it sore with all the prodding!

She told me that in counselling the counsellor told her DH to not provide reassurance because that only feeds the anxiety and will make it worse. So because DH had told her if it was concerning her that much to go to the GP she flipped and said he didnt believe her etc.

I was there 3 hours before I managed to get her to calm down. I told her at 28 years old with no family history of any cancer at all it would be incredibly rare for her to have it. Her reply, well you see it on facebook all the time.

I feel awful thinking it but after that 3 hours I was exhausted. Some of the things she was saying were just plain stupid and I have no idea how her DH has managed 3 years of this!

She has been having counselling herself for a while now and it doesnt seem to be working. I have mo idea what to say to her and her poor DH is at his wits end. I'm worried that if she doesnt sort this out then he will ending up leaving her and taking the kids with him.

She wont take medication either because shes worried about the side effects and shes "read" (googled) that they can cause "diseases".

It's never ending

Sorry that's a long read and I did put paragraphs in, although it hadn't posted with them

This sounds really hard on all three of you it sounds like she is mentally ill.

The only thing I can think of is to stage an intervention - you and her H sit down with her and tell her - her health anxiety is putting a strain on you all and she needs to redouble efforts to get better, and you and he need to enforce good boundaries that she may feel are unloving but are coming from a place of love and looking after you all.

The irony is that by worrying about her health she will make herself ill- stress is awful for your body and obviously your mental health too.

She might benefit from a different counsellor, is there one who specialises in health anxiety?

Remember the circles theory too - you can offload outwards- so you and her H can lean on people who are less close to her, e.g. he can lean on his best mate, his best mate can lean on his wife etc. And you can lean on mumsnet!

Her husband told her he was ready for leaving, that's why they started couples counselling. She doesnt listen to anyone.

I feel guilty because she was texting me about it this morning and I got annoyed and told her that she needs to do something about it because she has 2 children who need her and she spends all her time on her phone reading about illness on forums and Google and then trying to match her "symptoms". She just replied with she cant help it.

I'm not sure I'd theres a health anxiety counsellor in our area. The trouble is is she doesn't think its health anxiety, shes convinced shes actually ill with a deadly illness.

I spoke to her about anxiety yesterday and she dismissed it saying its not that. What she fails to see is with the amount of "illness" shes had over the passed 3 years, she should be dead 100x over by now

Poor lass. Healthy anxiety is pretty awful and hard to break out of, though this seems quite extreme. If she doesn't want medication, there may be other options, like CBT. Would she agree to just see the GP for a chat to start with? It would be good to make sure that in advance that the GP will be understanding and sympathetic - most are but some aren't.

She has seen the GP who said CBT, however, the wait times in our area are months. She also says that it's not anxiety.

She is seeing a counsellor that her husband persuaded her to go and see and they pay privately for that.

The thing is is everyone who knows her, knows where it rooted from. (The sudden death of her nan, plus she had to sort all the funeral, finances etc alone). She just wont accept it.

I've tried reassurance. Telling her that at her age with no family history etc it's highly highly unlikely she gas any form of cancer. I've tried being harsh with her. Just nothing seems to work. It's taking over her life.

I'm sympathetic to you and your poor friend .
I have a friend who has a mental illness not the same as your friend but it's been going on for years . It's very difficult and very time consuming to treat . I agree it's difficult for you and her dh but it must be terrible for her too . I've no real advice but she really must make a appointment with her gp to get referred , can you persuade her dh to go with her ? .

Has the GP spoke to her actually about this? About it being health anxiety.

maybe it would help you, your DH and her DH to read up about health anxiety?
I would say she needs to see a counsellor who specialises in this, and GP can refer, even if there is a waiting list it's worth waiting for
there are a number of good books that would help you understand and would help her address the problem (self help books)- if you go to local public library and ask about books on presecription they will have a list of books for loan that have been approved by the nhs. I say this because there are lots of books out there and difficult to tell which are any good.
However any treatment would, I think, need her to accept that she has a problem.

Health anxiety triggered by trauma...

So maybe it would be more helpful if she had trauma therapy around the loss of her nan. It's not such an usual reaction to a traumatic bereavement.

The health anxiety sounds more like a symptom of her trauma, so trying to focus on "treating" that may continue to be ineffective ... Whereas addressing the root cause (the traumatic bereavement) could help in time.

It's not about her health so much as desperately trying to protect herself from the same fate as her nan, and having lost the sense of safety she had before that loss that her body could be trusted to be healthy and keep her alive unless she was symptomatic. Now she knows her body may not warn her of major illness / impending death and she no longer feels safe. (Not sure why you think medication would do more than take the edge off her feelings?)

It does sound pretty terrifying actually. Most of the time we take it for granted our health can be counted upon and that we would have warning of something was wrong. She's had that ripped away.

So what kind of counselling is she having? And since it's private is looking for (traumatic) bereavement counselling an option they would consider?

Not all counselling is right for everyone in all circumstances (and you do have to be ready to undertake it even when you find the right kind of therapy with the right therapist), so whilst I have every sympathy for the rest of you I don't think it's fair to blame her if what's been tried so far hasn't helped.

CBT will pretty much tell her her thought patterns are wrong. It might be more helpful for her (given what you've described of her view that this is a legitimate concern) to be able to instead make sense of her thoughts and feelings in the context of having suffered a very traumatic bereavement and understanding how that trauma and loss has affected her... So she can move towards recognising that the scale of her fears is out of proportion to the real threat she's under.

The thing is is everyone who knows her, knows where it rooted from. (The sudden death of her nan, plus she had to sort all the funeral, finances etc alone). She just wont accept it.

Which is largely why I think the key is to focus on trauma/bereavement support/therapy. It will have a knock on effect, as like you say that's the root cause.

Not to the same extremes but I experienced some similar stuff after a loss close to me. And whilst I understood the stats and understood doctors saying not to worry about whatever symptom, I also knew that it hadn't saved my loved one that stays suggested xyz or doctors hadn't seen cause for concern etc.

It was having support around the loss and the traumatic nature of it that helped the health anxiety knock on effect to subside.

No point treating symptoms not the cause.

Ohwheniknow thank you. I'm not sure whether shes spoken about her bereavement. She hasn't said much about her personal counselling sessions only the couple ones theyve been having.

Her nan died of pneumonia. She was 75 and a chain smoker. Shed not been in the best health but her death was a shock and not expected. She was very close to her.

I mentioned medication just to say she wont take it in case anyone suggested it. The GP has told her its anxiety. I went with her once and the lady explained about how muscles contract and tense and cause pain when you're anxious. She just doesnt believe them.

It's very difficult when you make suggestions but she dismisses them because it's not anxiety. I wonder if I speak to her about the bereavement side of things and see if we can find some specialist counselling we can avoid the anxiety talk