Friend struggling with infertility - what to/ not to say

[May2020]

Hi all,

I was hoping to receive some advice - I've got a friend trying to conceive DC2. She's been trying for about 18 months. DD1 was conceived very quickly.

She will sometimes mention it flippantly but at other times more seriously. Usually something along the lines of 'I just found out insert name is pregnant, I'm happy for her but it's all getting me down'. She'll mention having been to see her GP.
The problem is I have literally no idea what the right thing to say is. I'm usually ok at knowing how to respond to people but I just have no idea when it comes to this.

Does anyone have any idea what the right and/or wrong things are to say to someone struggling with fertility?

Thanks

I don't think there's a right thing to say, as such. Just listen. I wouldn't belittle or dismiss her worries by saying something like 'I'm sure it'll happen for you soon'.

It's sad when envy turns into bitterness.

Maybe give her a hug and say that it is OK to feel like that.

@Bellabelloo oh no, that's something I have said to her recently

I know listening is imperative but you do have to respond in some way eventually and knowing how to do that sensitively is just so difficult

I’d just say, ‘Are you ok? Do you want to talk about it?’

Maybe she just wants to talk?

Don’t say:

It’ll happen soon, I’m sure
Your turn will come
Stop trying and it will just happen
I know how you feel

Do say:
If you want to talk about it, I’m here
I can imagine how you may be feeling
I don’t ever know if you want to talk or not, so please let me know either way

You sound like a caring conscientious friend. Pop over to the Infertility section of Becoming a Parent here on MN - they’ll give you LOADS of advice x

It's sad when envy turns into bitterness.

Don’t say that.

All you really can say is that you’re sorry she’s going through this and you are there if she wants to talk. You sound lovely.

Also, don’t bring up adoption, share miracle stories or joke about giving her one of your children

And avoid mentioning adoption!

Sorry - just saw PP has said that. Apols x

Great advice so far. Well done for even considering how to be sensitive around her - very few people would be so thoughtful.

That’s really nice that you’re asking. I’d echo everything above about not offering platitudes and definitely not saying ‘it’ll happen’ or if you’re religious definitely nothing about God’s plan (that one still smarts) or anything about ‘at least you can still drink’ - urgh!

I’d personally say you’re sorry it’s not happening as quickly as she’d like, and show an interest in how she’s getting on.

Having someone other than her DP to sound off to, who understands where on the journey she is, and won’t spout meaningless platitudes is worth it’s weight in gold.

Lovely of you to care so much that you ask. I second what previous posters have said. Don't say 'just relax and it will happen' or 'at least you've already got a child'.

Ask how she is and be guided by her answer. Sometimes I would want to talk about it and others I really didn't.

Do you have DC OP? If so and you conceived easily try not to compare your TTC experiences with hers. Obvs.

The best advise is to let her know, in your own words, that she can be honest with you about how she's feeling. And then when she is honest say things like 'yes, i can understand that' 'it's good you can be honest and let it all out' ect.

Long term TTC can make you bitter and weird frankly. I've been there. And i'm the worlds least bitter and weird person usually. It would have been really nice if i'd had someone who i could have confided in and then maybe even chuckled with a bit about how i was being.

Absolutely no sentence that starts with “at least”.

You sound like a lovely and very considerate friend.