How do you make friends or deal with loneliness?

[Smilingwhenrunning]

I hope I don't get any judgement here as I am really struggling and want some genuine experiential advice.

I have 2 children 3 and 5. I did NCT with my first and got a solid(or so I thought) friendship group of 5 of us.
We used to go out for dinner monthly or atleast every 6 weeks and have playdates in between. The husbands get together as well.

I decided not to go back to work after my second as I had really bad PND and other things. I gave up my car because of it which has meant that I can't just pop places but as I live pretty central we can get to loads of places easily and it isn't something I felt was an issue.

I feel that over the last 18mnths things have really changed. We see each other less frequently, I don't get replies that much or into conversations with them either together or separately when I message and I very very rarely get a message off anyone spontaneously.
I spent alot of the spring and summer trying to organise playdates or dinners or anything and I just seem to have gotten walls.

I then decided that the heart ache of not having replies is too much and so I decided not to instigate conversations.

However this feels worse in a way, I have so little contact from anyone, especially these mums who I felt were close friends.

I even look after the children of one of them so see one several times a week but we are passing ships really. Apart from a 'How's everything' and me listening to her if she needs to talk I don't really get asked how things are my end.

I think I'm coming to the conclusion that I've either done something (I have anxiety and spend alot of time worrying over conversations from months ago, comments I may have made, questions may not have asked etc) or things have just died a death I was not aware was coming.

Sorry this is rambling, but I guess what I'm asking is, how do I deal with the loneliness?

I speak to mums at school and preschool but haven't found anyone other than one mum, I have connected with really. I seem to be the one who lends an ear at the school gates but nothing further.

Do you just get to a point in your life where you have your husband and maybe one or two other friends and that's it?

Do I need to just be happy that I have one friend?

Help please, one lonely mum.

One friend is a good start

Are you paid to look after that other ‘friend‘s’ kids? If she isn’t being a respectful, engaged friend to you I hope you’re not doing her massive extended childcare favours?!

Thank you for your reply.

I am paid, I registered as a CM to look after her children, it's all legit and formal. Actually ending soon as her circumstances have changed.

I know I should be grateful to have one friend. I just feel so lonely and want to go out, have dinner perhaps. I also feel I've let my littleist one down as I don't have friends that have children her age who we can meet with.

I am self employed and find it very isolating. I have found I had very little in common with most of the mums I met through baby groups etc. It was worse when we would meet up as a group because we were all so focused on ‘including’ everyone, that I never got to know anyone and develop any friendships. I bumped into one of the other mums in the street and we arranged to meet up, just the two of us. We hit it off and are really close, a few years on. This doesn’t work for everyone, but sometimes you need to focus on individual relationships and not worry about the ‘group’. I found out that she felt that she didn’t ‘fit’ in because the rest of the group looked like they had their sh*t together. The reality was that we were all winging it!!!

I too am a registered cm, it can be so isolating. Get involved in local cm groups, it makes a world of difference. I’ve been a cm for 8 years and in the past 4 years I’ve made some of the best, supportive friends of my life

Thank you, this is comforting. I had been trying to focus on individual friendships and one that I was sure was a good one seems to have just gone, vanished, no messages or replies.

As Michael McIntyre said you don't have anything in common other than you had sex about the same time! Do your NCT friends kids go to different schools? I find my mum friendships change with my sons relationships which are very different at 7 to when he started school. I've given up trying with the school mums now we are halfway through primary and concentrating on my other friendships. Do an evening class or sign up to a drama class.

Do your children do any activities? If so, get chat to any regular parent you see. It could be something as basic as, ‘what awful weather today?’.

If they don’t, can you join a club? Toddler gymnastics for the Younger? Beavers, football, ballet for the older one?

Is there any hobby you enjoy? If so, can you go out one evening a week to do this hobby? Or try something new? Learn to play tennis, go to a book club etc.

Look around on notice boards, in the library, local papers and see what mum and children groups you can go to?

I have absolutely nothing in common with most of my friends, I just make sure I show a lot of interest in their lives until we are established friends then we can talk about mutual things and find something we like doing together.

Loveislandaddict. Thank you, those are good ideas. Maybe I need to just realise I need to make new friends, I just feel like there's been 6 years of friendship and a sudden stop.

In the same as you Op, I have a 9 year age gap between my DC. I made friends when my first DC started school and these have mostly fizzled out now, my best friend from school passed away as did another friend who I met through my DC friends.
My youngest is 5 and I feel like I'm letting my 5 yr old down by not having any friends. I stand up the school alone and nobody talks to me and I don't them, partly because I'm never at school drop off in the morning but I do pick up everyday but only get there around 2 mins before DC comes out.

MondeoFan it's so hard isn't it. I've never experienced loneliness before. I guess because when I was at work I had colleagues around me all the time.

My kids go to so many groups now, dance/scouts etc. I find meeting people here, getting involved as much as possible and organising adult socialising evenings help too. I have found that the same problems occur, in that sometimes the only things we have in common are our dc (or worse, as a single woman the women want to someone to complain to about their marriages)