I feel so ostracised. Please help me decide what to do, is this social anxiety?

[BeeFree]

I'm fed up of feeling so different. It's been like it as early as 4 (some of my earliest memories).

Fast forward to adulthood and I'm having some real trouble. Socially, people usually find me great, very lovely etc. I'm brilliant and putting on a very normal front 24/7 and have somewhat mastered it. But if I spend a lot of time with that person/people, the mask occasionally slips and over a short period of time it becomes apparent I'm a bit different/odd bod.

For example, I interview incredibly well. I've always been really good at that. And I don't find it nerve wracking or difficult. The hardest part is looking someone the eye. I don't do this when talking to people but for interview purposes I'll look at their eyebrows as a little trick, to make them think they're being looked in the eye. I've only ever failed at one job interview and the feedback I got was no eye contact.

My family have always made fun of my voice. Since I was a small child up until now. For some reason I'm naturally well spoken, with a relatively posh accent. I don't have posh parents and I grew up in a very very Essex accent location This has always struck people as strange. I wish I spoke like them a bit more but it's not on, I can't do it, I tried doing that for a while when I was younger but it never worked. It would skip too easily as I don't naturally speak like it.

Lastly, social situations - I always sit in wonder about how people can just bounce off each other with general chit chat. I'm good at this for short periods of time but then it doesn't work, I can't keep it up anymore, or I say something that makes people go a bit when I thought it may just be funny or a laugh along sentence.

Family parties are the worst. People chatting and howling with laughter, dancing on the dance floor, just having a great time in each other's company, I struggle so much and I can't do it. I feel like I just can't physically function myself to do this type of socialising, yet I'm desperate to let my hair down and have a good time with cousins and friends on the dance floor. Yet I can't muster up the skills it's like there's a bubble preventing me. I don't feel anxious at all, it's just the fact I physically don't know how to act.

I've always been articulate, speech well beyond 'appropriate' for my age. Teachers always called me 'Worldly' in school reports. I loved speaking in class (education related), and participated the most in class discussion. Most kids found my voice tone and vocabulary odd and it baffled them. Not in a good way. I had a few very good friends but I always yearned to just be alone in my own company.

Routine - Since the age of 8 I've had to shower twice a day, everyday. I've never broken this cycle. Ever. Not once. People don't believe that's true but it is. I can't physically not shower in the morning and before bed. I feel incredibly out of place. I know I'm not dirty but I like to feel fresh and ready for the day/bed. It's been routine for so long that I can't brake it. Ditto cleaning. My house is always clean but I can't allow DH to do it. I don't like other people arranging something in a way I don't have it. I feel incredibly unsettled. DH does do some cleaning as he is a naturally very clean person but I'm the main cleaner. He isn't allowed to touch laundry. That's my area of expertise and I love to do it all in a specific way

I think I may have some sort of disorder but I just don't know. Maybe I am just a bit weird. But it's starting to get me down a bit now. I look at everyone around me who seem to just 'flow'. I really struggle. But I'm a very contented person and love my own company

You sound lovely, OP.

Some of the things you say sound like the characteristics of people on the autistic spectrum and it's notoriously underdiagnosed in women and people of your age. If this is worrying you, you may want to read up on that.

Hercules that's intereting. My mum was certain I had Aspergers as a little girl. But then changed her mind when I had pre-teen years.

I use to play alone all the time as a child and did not interact with children my own age but enjoyed conversations with adults.

I was always grossly obsessed with one specific topic and would not do anything else but talk or draw pictures of the topic. I would often bring the topic up until it drove people insane and always managed to slip it in to a completely off topic conversation

I also pissed my mum off by cutting holes in numerous bits of clothing... It was because I'd try and remove the label. It would irritate me on most clothes.

Your post makes me think of my nephew, particularly the speech part. He's autistic and the accent formed part of his diagnosis.

I second PP.
Girls on the spectrum often mimic what they observe and consequently are less obvious.
MY DD (ADHS and just below the cut off for AS) has different personas for different people, i. e. she consciously switches to 'girly behaviour' with certain friends etc., which is stressful.

And an unusually grown up and formal style of speech is actually a symptom. DS (AS) started Kindergarten at almost 3 using all the tenses and modi of our language correctly in very adult sounding longwinded sentences. I thought nothing of it until I heard his little mates speak.

Huge drip feed but my DS (2.5), is currently being assessed for AS and two professionals have been very clear to me that they think he's got it.

He's not really like me as a small child though - He looks the same but doesn't speak a word! I was using extensive sentences by 2, apparently. He hasn't said a word yet.

I think the suggestions might be asking the right track. As for the "what to do" part, you can obviously read up about ASD in women, and likely find many other people in similar situations which might make you feel less alone. If you wanted to go down the route of seeking a diagnosis and you are in the UK, most areas will have an Integrated Autism Service who deal with adults diagnosis and support. Usually occupational therapist and psychologists will be involved in assessment and offering support if required.

There is often a hereditary element in autism, which might be relevant in your son's case, though the "spectrum" nature of the condition means that he could experience difference challenges to those you did as a child.

My partner is a probably candidate for ASD, and as a younger person he forced himself to learn to be sociable and make small talk. You wouldn't really tell that he wasn't a natural at it. But knowing him as I do now, I don't expect him to come out socialising with my friends/to work gatherings/ to weddings where he doesn't know people, because I know he is deeply uncomfortable doing so and he'd be happier staying home.

You immediately shouted female ASD for me. I've assessed this many times.

Could you google and complete an AQ-50 online. Score Over 30 and you're likely to have ASD traits and it would be worth pursuing a formal assessment.

I've just done this AQ-50 test - no suprises there.
It seems definitely to be a useful tool.

I scored 41

AQ50 is the starting point of assessment of ASD in adults. Over 30 indicates you're likely on the spectrum.

My husband is around 33-38 depending on how well he is at the time and has a diagnosis.

It's worth pursuing but i warn you most AS teams have high demand and low staff

I was - amongst others - given the RAADS-R and I scored about 40 points over the limit for NT females. I was in my fourties then and coping, though it gets more difficult the older you get (i. e. open plan office).

Does anyone know how I go about getting assessed? Is it something to tell the GP who could then refer me on, albeit with a long wait?

I imagine getting a private assessment may be possible (dependant on cost), but I was told getting my DS seen privately and diagnosed wouldn't be the 'same' as an NHS diagnosis for AS, so I didn't? Is that true for adults too?

Apologies for all these questions.

I can't help you there (wrong country) but make sure that it is really necessary. You could get problems getting life insurance etc.

I'm the exact same as you op.

I had CAHMS involvement when younger but wasn't diagnosed with anything specific.

My son is 8, has been diagnosed with ADHD and is being assessed for autism at the moment. He is exactly what I was like at his age.

Your post really is exactly what I'm like as an adult.

I have been to the GP but wasn't forthcoming in putting me forward for assessment as it isn't affecting my life (little does he know) But please pursue it.

How do you think you would benefit from an assessment and possible diagnosis OP?

You sound very like me. I have always lived in my own bubble and had to wear a 'mask' to interact with others, even close family. Everything you've said (apart from the clean freak bits) are me to a T. Even the well spoken bit - I've never spoken with my local accent, despite all my friends and family having heavy accents/dialects. I had to laugh at the bit where you say strange things when social interaction seems to be going well. I am terrible for that too. Everyone seems to speak naturally, if I let myself go in a conversation people start backing away slowly or I accidentally insult them with my jokes.

I have always been hyperlexic (super reader) and had a massive vocabulary from being very small too. My ex-husband used to call me a human dictionary, but others have told me I use overly complex words and sentence structures. I have always felt different but have had no diagnosis. I suspect ADHD/Autism but my family just think I'm odd and non-conformist.

I thought so too, but now I have a son with ASD and ADHD, and we are just like each other, except for the talking (which he didn't do much of).

Not much help, but I wanted to respond as the little idiosyncratic things you mention here are things I've never heard anyone else articulate before about themselves. I'm not the only person like this!

How would a diagnosis impact life insurance? I'm struggling to understand that one, what are people with things like AS more likely to get unwell with?

I'm not sure how I would benefit from a diagnosis. Perhaps with education? I've been thinking about returning to do university in the next 10 years. I would image it would benefit me to have a diagnosis then.

but others have told me I use overly complex words and sentence structures

That's me too! DH says all the time that a lot of my long and complex sentences are completely unnecessary and often not appropriate for certain chats. Also, I struggle a lot to put sentences into fewer words!

@BeeFreeForTea
They (some not all) take things like the statistical likelyhood of co-morbid conditions like depression etc. into account, so you have to shop around.

My DS has Aspergers. He got the diagnosis despite not ticking all the boxes. You too may not tick every box but it may still be a useful way of thinking about yourself. Most people feel relief with the diagnosis, as it explains their experiences.

I once read that Aspies find eye contact uncomfortable as it is almost like the eyes are burning into them, they are so sensitive that the experience of eye contact feels too intense. I asked my son who has trouble with eye contact if that was true for him too and he said yes.

Whatever the label, or no label at all, you are you, and that's ok. It would be pretty boring if we were all the same. It's harder for those on the spectrum (if indeed you are) because they are a minority and the world is designed for the majority, but you are finding your own way through it.

I look at everyone around me who seem to just 'flow'. I really struggle.

I believe that many people actually struggle and that to some the way you conduct yourself may seem like you 'flow'. You sound very composed and really lovely. It's not everybody's style to be wild at parties. Maybe you're on the spectrum but whether you are or not, try and accept yourself exactly as you are. Would you be able to afford being a clinical psychologist privately to explore some of these issues?

*I'm not sure how I would benefit from a diagnosis. Perhaps with education? I've been thinking about returning to do university in the next 10 years. I would image it would benefit me to have a diagnosis then8

Well it moist but it might not. What sorry of accommodations so you think are made for Aspies? None of the things you complain about in your OP would be changed in any way by you being given a diagnosis - they are all about how other people treat you and how you feel about yourself.

So why dont you just read some books on aspergers and see if they make sense to you? Try some of the strategies other aspies have used to survive in an NT world and see if they work for you. Learn about social rules and learn new social skills.

It’s the price of some books and some of your time.

Also do you feel invigorated or drained by contact with family - don't feel you have to spend time with them. See if they notice.

In terms of diagnosis I have benefited from it in that I can state it - but then I am rather fatalistic when it comes to jobseeking.

Op you sound so like me! My son has Aspergers and I’m sure I am or have a lot of traits as well but as a woman they present differently. I have very very few friends and extended family and much of this is because I have withdrawn from them as I felt it utterly exhausting putting on an act all the time. Socialising literally made my head feel like it was muffled and going to explode! I find short periods of company ok but any more than that too much. I’m kind of accepting it....though I wish I wasn’t like this

*Does anyone know how I go about getting assessed? Is it something to tell the GP who could then refer me on, albeit with a long wait?

I imagine getting a private assessment may be possible (dependant on cost), but I was told getting my DS seen privately and diagnosed wouldn't be the 'same' as an NHS diagnosis for AS, so I didn't? Is that true for adults too?

Apologies for all these questions.*

You would need a psychological assessment, my husband got his through IAPT but often you can self refer to ASD teams. If you google "your area" + autism team they should pop up and you can email / call them for how to refer in.

The NHS ones tend to be very thorough (which is why the long wait) but a private assessment which is then communicated to your GP is sufficient. For a child though it's more about statementjng etc which requires educational psychology assessment which needs to be a particular team as they work with schools. They may not accept a private assessment.

My husbands diagnosis has made a MASSIVE difference to his well-being overall. He has a much better understanding of himself and lots of things that made him feel odd or other have come sharply into focus. It still has its challenges but he understands how to work with them better and why he may feel that way rather than just feeling odd and removed from things all the time.