I could do with some advice from ladies that may have experienced the loss of desire for their partner as a result of the menopause.
It’s a bit of a story so here goes.
Background
• Married for nearly 25 years, 3 kids (18,16,13), very stable family life, happy.
• Wife had a big job but became a housewife to bring up the kids.
• Never a great sex life. As time has gone on our sex life has got less. My desire for my wife dropped as she wanted intimacy and cuddles and I wanted wham bam sex. My wife but on weight after kids.
• My wife has never had an orgasm. With me or on her own. She has tried but never got there. She thinks this is in her mind
• We get on well and like being together but definitely over the years, I have put the kids first.
• My wife tried to initiate “date nights” etc and more sex 5 years ago but that fell on deaf ears.
So….we get into our 50s. My wife is going through the menopause and has evaluated her life. It’s a MLC as she has lost 2 stone, is talking about getting a convertible car….all the hallmarks.
6 months ago, I caught her acting strangley with her phone and when I approached her, she admitted that some bloke had been paying her attention. All she was doing was messaging and flirting….but she admitted that it was likely he wanted sex. No surprise there.
We then had a very grown up conversation. No ranting, just real honesty. She told me that she was in a mess as she loved me and everything we had but that she wanted to feel desired again and wanted to desire someone. She told me that I didn’t light her fire anymore and she didn’t want to go through the rest of her life not knowing whether there was someone who could make her sexually fulfilled. For her, this is being emotionally close. That emotional closeness isn’t me.
Over the last 6 months, we have both tried. We have been more intimate without actually having sex. We have spent time together and definitely had fun. We like being with each other.
We were making progress, however in my heart I knew I wasn’t out of the woods. We spoke a few days ago and she agreed that we had made progress but she still didn’t have any desire for me. She wants to want to jump on me and she doesn’t feel like that.
My wife says that she has gone through periods where she hasn’t been happy but has come out of the other side and hopes that will happen again. To me, this feels different. We kiss like friends rather than partners and she doesn’t want to hold my hand, unless I initiate it.
So here is the question to any ladies that have gone through this:-
• Can you get the desire back for a partner of 30 years ?
• Do I keep trying to make her want me or should I start preparing for single life
I think my wife and I could split and she would find that she has thrown the baby out with the bathwater. Once she has gone and slept with someone else, there is no way back for me.
I think my wife also worries about this but the thought that this maybe her life, keeps nagging. The menopause is definitely playing a part.
And then there is me. What do I want. I definitely want sex more than love making. Maybe we were never compatible!
Help!