Visiting parents

[LucyLastik]

If you have parents/other family that lives approximately 3 hours away from you, how often do you visit them?

For a little bit of context, I have 3 kids and I'm a teacher so visiting in term time is difficult because of the demands of the job. Thanks.

Twice a year ..they would never dream of coming to us although retired and very fit and active and able.We have invited many times but they dont bother...

2/4 times a year. They are okay in very small and well spaced out doses.

Similarly I work in a school. We're Home Counties, parents in Yorkshire.
Children are 12 and 10.
We go up maybe four times a year? Five at most. They come down once maybe.

It's ok, suits us all. I do wish they'd come down more often but we haven't much space for guests sadly. We've done great house swaps though for uk holidays.

I'm 4 from my IL's. We have visited the north twice and both times they either went on holiday or made an excuse so no more from us. They've been to us in here south twice times since my son was born 4 years ago, one of those was for his Baptism. They haven't bothered in nearly three years.

I haven't visited for three years, and then we had to stay in a hotel.

Parents spent most of the time glued to the tv, Dad disappears to his room to watch football. Felt totally unwelcome so haven't been back. Even adult DS has given up on them

We try and go every school holiday for an overnight, or they might come to us (maybe once or twice a year that way round).

Once or twice a year. Would like to go more but it’s a big production. It’s easier if they come here. They are retired and we have a spare room with en suite. We work and they have one room for guests really, there are four of us.

ILs are 4 1/2 hours away. We drive up there 6 times a year. They manage to visit us once a year.

This irritates me because

1. they're perfectly able to travel, financially and physically
2. we have a one year old so it's easier for them to travel
3. we have a lot more space for guests than they do

My parents 3-4 times a year. They never come to us.

In-laws 2-3 times a year but they also come to us 2-3 times a year so we see them more frequently.

Thank you for your replies.

Until July this year, my parents lived practically across the road. I am very close to them so although I was happy about their move, I've also found it quite hard at times to adjust.

Since they moved, my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer and although it was very early stages and removed very quickly, it has really affected me. She is due to start radiotherapy next week and I'm finding it hard to deal with that happening to her and not being able to offer her any real support apart from calling her to see how it's going. I know my dad will be there for her but I worry about him and his deteriorating health too ( mum is in her 60s and dad is in his 70s).

Anyway, thank you for replying.

That sounds hard. Mine have always been the same distance away so it's all we know. Have they established any friendships in their new area? Any other relatives closer to them?

When DH parents were alive we would visit maybe 4 times a year. They never visited us, but weren't able to so all fine. Now we visit his sister and her family once a year. They never visit us. Admittedly we dont have much space, but neither do they so the need to pay for accommodation is the same on both sides. They just dont bother which is one of the reasons I limit it to once a year. That and the fact I find the area dull after visiting so much over the years.

@ExpletiveDelighted they are slowly meeting new people but are still very much keeping themselves to themselves. In terms of family, there's me and my brother but we live in London so neither of us are close to them distance wise.

They do get up to visit us maybe once every 6 weeks-ish although I suspect that will now change as my mum starts her treatment.

I feel part of the problem is my DH as he isn't keen on my parents ( history of arguments based on his perception that they can be controlling). He thinks I rely on them too much so was pleased when they moved.

Since they have moved, I have spent some time with them in the summer, visited for the day for mum's birthday and been there when mum had her cancer surgery. We were invited to them for Christmas but both of us preferred to stay at home as transporting 3 kids and all their stuff would have been a nightmare plus MIL comes to stay with us over Christmas as she is on her own. I floated the idea of visiting in between Christmas and New Year but that was vetoed by DH because we agreed we would stay at home for Christmas.

Yesterday, the kids asked if we could do something. I instantly thought about visiting my parents but I daren't mention it to DH because it causes arguments. He resents me for missing them and wanting to see them and I resent him because I feel it's all on his terms.

We previously agreed that we would go to theirs during Feb half term but that then became the weekend at the start of half term and there is some discussion still to be had about that, as eldest DD has mocks straight after and will obvs need revision time.

I suppose I'm just trying to work out who is unreasonable. Him for controlling my visits or me for wanting to see them more often.

When my DPs were alive, they were 2 hours away. We would visit them at least every 6 weeks, and they would come to us for Christmas and birthdays. After dad died, we'd make it monthly.

My in-laws are 3 hours away and we see them at least twice a month, mostly us going to them for an afternoon/day.

Parents were due to visit for DS's birthday next week. The only reason they are coming is because they could only get four weeks over Christmas in Lanzaroti, and how sad it is to miss the parades and kids on Kings Day.

But I've just had the ' not sure what we're doing as we have hospital appointments' call

Your DH says they’re controlling. He certainly is. Go as often as you can, as you wish, while you can. Not unreasonable in the circumstances.

I think your DH is being unreasonable. Between Christmas and New Year is a perfect time to visit, we do it every year. It isn't fair on you, them or your DCs to never go.

Yesterday, the kids asked if we could do something. I instantly thought about visiting my parents but I daren't mention it to DH because it causes arguments. He resents me for missing them and wanting to see them and I resent him because I feel it's all on his terms.

That’s awful. I can’t imagine not being able to suggest seeing my parents because of worrying what DH would say. My parents live around 1.5 hours away, we see them every 4-6 weeks, sometimes more, sometimes less. They come to us more often as they do occasional overnight babysitting for our jobs. DH works funny hours so I do go on my own when he’s working weekends for example.