Having a favourite child and guilt

[sparepartalways]

I know it’s probably uncommon but is there anyone here who Very much has a favourite child to the point you resent any others and treat them less favourably ?

Is it something you can’t help do you feel guilty about it ? In that you love them all but just for whatever reason have a favourite ?

I’m struggling badly. My childhood was horrific and I was along with my brother treated appallingly yet we have a sibling treated better and more so as the years go on. I think I’m looking for some kind of reassurance that parents who act this way aren’t just horrible that they don’t want to feel that way but can’t help it ??

I don’t have a favourite - but a close friend of mine did, and felt very badly about it. Interestingly, it changed as the kids grew up: when they were younger/teens, his son was absolutely the favourite child, but as adults they clash a bit and he is much closer to his daughter. So I think the only advice is try not to show it at the time, but be prepared for these things to wax and wane over the years.

It’s been consistent in our family as soon as what I’m assuming is classed as they golden child’ was born we may as well have not existed from that point as we basically were then nothing more than annoyances the phrase I heard most was ‘I’m told I HAVE to love you but I DONT have to LIKE you’

Of course they can help it. I have two children - adults now - and yes I do have a "favorite" but I can definitely say that neither of them know that.

Treating one child differently ( especially in the way that you describe) is horrible and totally in their control. It was your parent's choice to behave that way and I'm very sorry for you. You seem to be trying to excuse their behaviour but in your shoes I wouldn't do that. They were horrible and there is no excuse.

I found it varied in time.
When the dcs were babies, I was much more comfortable with dc2. I had PND with Dc1, hadn’t bonded with him nearly as well and he was much harder work as a result.
I can’t say I felt guilty about it but I was hyper aware that it wasn’t fair in Dc1 so decided to fake it all the way.

As time went, things changed, dc2 became much harder work and I preferred Dc1.

But the bottom line is, even if a parent prefers one child over the other and ‘they can’t do anything about it’ (even though in my experience even that isn’t that clear cut), the parent can still be very mindful to ensure that they ont treat the dcs differently. They can ensure it doesn’t come through. They can just ’fake it’ for the sake of the child.

Thing is people get on better with some than others, regardless of whether they are your children. So there's nothing wrong with having a favourite, it's not something you can even control! There's no point feeling guilty.

What would be wrong is making it obvious to that child though. One should never feel favoured, the other should never feel left out. Neither would be a good feeling and would cause friction between them.

I think as time goes on and their personalities develop, I'm be endeared by different things from each individual.

On paper, my youngest is an 'easier' more laid back child, very sweet and affectionate. Very easily favourable characteristics; easier to parent. However my eldest who drives me round the bend sometimes with her argumentative, defiant personality - is actually hilariously funny, articulate and a bag of character. So no one personality trait can win/lose over the other if you see what I mean?