I find it hard getting used to my new life?

[333Alexandra120999]

Hey I was just wondering if anyone has any advice or anything really that could keep me going.
I wanna start by saying that I love my baby. I was 19 when I saw my pregnancy test a few months after I finished college, got myself a job and started to try and get my first car and move out. At the time I was with my boyfriend for 2 years (first love) and as much as everyone was telling me how horror and scary motherhood is, as soon as I saw the first scan I knew that was the little human I needed in my life. I was on the pill and I still got pregnant somehow so I just took it as “it’s meant to be”. I was ready to go through sleepless nights and I had enough motivation to tell myself that even with a baby I can still get my car, I can still move out and I can still find my dream job, I can still go out with my friends once or twice a month and I can still make time to have some quiet nights in with my boyfriend.

HOWEVER, things changed for me because my boyfriend cheated so I (have) to watch him be with someone else to this day. My job refused to give me hours so I was very down financially and yes, I did get to move out but now I kind of regret doing that. The thing is, I REALLY love my daughter and I don’t regret my decision but she’s 1week old and I’m honestly drained. I have to watch the person I love be with someone else while I’m here waking up every hour just to feed her for an hour until she decides she wants to go to sleep. I can’t go shopping let alone go out with my friends. I have my mums support but I still think this is too much, did anyone feel like this before? Like I just look at her and think about how different my life would be if I would’ve chose to handle the situation different. Is this going to get better? Am I going to be able to go out or get a job or do ANYTHING? I feel so stuck in my head and I don’t want to talk to anyone because it might look like I don’t love her or I regret her, but really I just went to know it’ll change.

it's hard OP. But once you accept this is what things are like now, you can get to grips with it and have loads of experiences and develop in ways you never dreamed of.

In the feeding front, newborn stomachs only hold about a teaspoon at a time so they need to feed frequently. As she gets older, she'll go longer between feeds.

You could opt to do combination feeding (some bf, some formula) but it's not recommended until bf is established.

Two supportive grannies are your secret weapon here, use them!

Op it really is going to be ok you're really in the thick of it now. You can still do all the things you hoped for, but it is going to be harder admittedly. you'll be so proud of yourself though.

It's normal to be panicking. Exhaustion and this unexpected change with your relationship is alot to process on top of all the challenges of motherhood. She's here now- you'll make it work

Those first weeks with a first baby are very hard. I was 22 and it hit me hard how different my life was going to be. That child is now going to be 22 this year!

It will get easier. For now don’t think about the future, just enjoy baby snuggles and rest when you can. Breast feeding gets much easier too and you’re doing brilliantly. Try laying down to feed in bed at night, I didn’t learn this trick until my second baby but made nighttime feeds much more restful as instead of putting baby back into a cot I could just roll her back on her mattress or roll myself away once she had finished and was asleep. Just be cautious of where pillows and duvets are.

The other important thing is make sure you don’t let other adults take over too much (esp your mum and MIL). You need them looking after you so you can look after your baby, not doing too much with the baby as you need space to bond and learn who she is.

It’s a huge shock to the system when your baby finally arrives, I remember the feeling well. No one will think you don’t love her, anyone who has had a baby will completely understand. She’s only a week old and your still recovering, getting to know each other and getting a routine. Everything gets easier! I went back to work when my DD was 4 months, I built a career, bought a house, brought my beautiful girl up and had a social life too. It can be done, it’s not always easy but it’s worth it. Be patient and everything will be ok

Hey OP, you’re doing a great job. At this stage just getting up and sorting out the baby is doing a great job. When DS was a week old my hormones were everywhere and I just cried for a whole day. Wise women (my mum and MIL) stuck me in bed, brought many cups of tea and looked after DS as much as he would allow. They’d been there too.

If you haven’t already done so, my advice would be to move away from social media accounts of perfect mummies- you know the ones. Real life mummying doesn’t involve white floaty clothes, clean snuggly scarves and bobble hats or peaceful babies cooing at the camera- not for more than 30 seconds anyway. I think these give an unfair idea of what we ‘should’ be doing.

It’s a combination of hormones, tiredness and circumstances but it will get better. Breastfeeding is a great thing if it works for you but if it makes things easier try mixed feeds or just formula. Do whatever works for you, your health is all important now as the main parent of this little one. Take all the support you are offered, rest when you get the chance and remember it’s all a phase and it will change because it always does.

I didn't leave my house for five weeks after...bad birth but still! And I was 39 with a husband on leave. You are doing fine. In the weeks and months to come, a routine will form. Don't be afraid of mixed feeding, either. Sleep is important. Take the help. It will be OK!

“Op, I was 35 and it was still a headfuck“

Yep!

I was 28 and an ex nanny and my ex who I was still with went back to work after a week at home with us (he’d had longer off but it was a bad birth and we were in hospital after for 10 days)

I was bloody petrified being on my own with dd!

It DOES get easier - take and ask for all the support and help you need. People focus on directly helping with the baby but ask them to do laundry, dishes, run the hoover round, fetch a grocery shop, send a takeaway...

My own dd who I raised alone after becoming a single mum before she was 3 is now almost 19 herself. No Netflix back then but I hunkered down, basically lived in my dressing gown and pj bottoms only (I had trouble finding pjs I could breast feed in so gave up and just used dressing gown to grab if the door went! Classy huh 😂 had fruit bowl, biscuit tin and a big jug of squash on the coffee table and lived on the sofa watching friends tapes until I literally wore them through!

Feed as you want but I would say having bf dd myself for 9 months then had to switch to formula because my milk dried that bf once established is so much easier. Yes it takes work and perseverance to establish in the first place but once you have it’s instant, free and very convenient.

You say the thing getting to you most is lack of independence/being able to get out - if you bf once established and you’ve got it down which really only takes a few weeks you and baby can come and go as you please without having to worry and faff preparing bottles, making sure you have in the bag all the feeding stuff, planning where you’re going to know you can warm the milk somewhere clean...

I hated ff because it was such a bloody faff!

And yes to get to baby groups if you can, meet other mums.

Yes also to co-sleeping (sagely) we did that and it did make things much easier after we had tried her being in the Moses (wish I’d had mn then) and sleeping when baby sleeps (my midwife I had in the first week home noted I wasn’t doing this initially and was knackered! She came one visit when baby was asleep and she literally marched me to the bedroom and tucked me in! Wouldn’t even let me read. She was right. Then she lectured then dh in doing what she’d just done if I didn’t now going forward sleep when baby slept)

I was stupid not to, I’d had a traumatic birth, lost blood, almost my life and had major surgery and was caring for a baby that had almost not made it and been in scbu and was still poorly.

Maybe consider moving back to mums for a bit?

It's very early days. My neighbour, who is in her 30's, married and has a professional career moved in with her Mum for a few weeks after her baby was born. Might that be an idea for you?

I think it's advised that you don't express milk for the first couple of weeks, then you can start to build up a stash in the freezer.
Realistically you won't be out partying with friends much in the first year of your babies life, but you ll find your flow and eventually things will work out.

Ask your HV about groups fir new mums.

It's such early days. Please be kind to yourself.

I remember when my youngest was born, 4 years ago, queuing up for a vaccination with tears streaming silently down my face. I had made an awful mistake in wanting another baby, I wasnt able to cope. So I stood and waited figuring if I could just explain my mistake in thinking I could mind a baby, they would understand and take her to live with someone else. And I was in my mid thirties with all the help in the world.

It gets easier. I promise you that.