Dreading going back to work

[HerRoyalFattyness]

I go back to work tomorrow.
I don't want to.
I can't afford not to (no sick pay)
I'd be letting people down if I was off (I work in a nursery. We depend on ratios)
So I can't take the time off.

But.

I'm really struggling with my mental health. I have the early intervention team coming out on Saturday to see me.
I've been hearing a voice (I have a thread in mental health)
I'm severely depressed.
I'm paranoid.
My self esteem is non existent
My relationship is failing (I have a thread in relationships!)

I'm just miserable. So fucking miserable.
I'm in bed, tears streaming.
I'm not sleeping at the minute, despite my medication apparently having a sedative effect.
I'm so sick of feeling this way.

I know I need to suck it up and deal with it.
But it's bloody hard.

Anybody else dreading the return? Or are you guys looking forward to it?

I don't want to go back to work either tomorrow but I know I am capable, I can be relied on and I am a valuable member of the team.

Don't put any other pressure on yourself, I find preparing clothes, breakfast, drink/ food I need for the day sets me up. The day will go quick!! Try to write down what concerns you have and if your best friend were to go through these emotions. How will you assure them? Be kind to yourself

You will be just fine

I think most people feel a bit like that after a holiday, or a break of some kind. You get used to being off duty, no responsibility or routine, and your time is your own. Unfortunately all good things come to an end. You'll be alright once you've been back a day or two.

five I don't have any RL friends.

Single I know I'll get used to it.
I need routine and structure (I'm autistic) but I'm just so miserable I can't think of anything worse than being at work with people who I'm not sure value me as a team member despite me doing my fair share, and even being the one who stays late at night, who starts early if I'm there early enough to (I have to get two buses to work) and generally being willing to help others out whenever I can. (Getting observations on their key children etc)

I really don't think you should be going to work if feeling paranoid and hearing voices. Why can you not be paid sick pay ?

I suffer with anxiety and breaks make it harder. Get your clothes, bag and lunch ready and remind yourself that it’s only x amount of hours and then you can be home again. You sounds like you know your job well so think of that little ones who’s day you’ll make that much better by being there.

Sick pay is contractual babyroobs. If not in your contract, the first three days off are unpaid and only SSP rate after that.

As harsh as it may sound I don’t think you should be working with young children if you’re hearing voices OP and in the middle of a severe mental health crisis. You need to get signed off.

Babyroobs I'd only get SSP which is measly and isn't enough to meet the needs of my family. I need to think of my kids.
My manager is well aware of my mental health problems.

Chocolate that's what I'm trying to do. I got a lovely card at Christmas saying how I was like a second mum to one of the children. It put a massive smile on my face and made me feel a bit better about things.

Clem
My manager, and the owner of the nursery know what is going in wrt my mental health. They are happy for me to be in work.

I’m sure they are, they will want to maintain ratios and not have to find last minute sickness cover.
You need to put your health first.

Oh it’s horrible going back to work after a break. I’m back tomorrow for a few hours then properly on Saturday. Dh is back tomorrow and I hate it. I feel anxious about getting dd and myself back into our normal routine.

Sounds like you are getting some help, which i hope is helpful.

Not a great help, but I tell myself ‘I can do this, I will be fine’ and usually it is and I feel really chuffed with myself come the end of the day.

Good luck

You need to put your health first

I was signed off in August/September.
I can't afford any more time off.
The only reason I could afford it then is because I overpaid on my rent and council tax for 2 years, just in case there was ever an emergency. It left me with enough in credit to not have to pay them for a couple of months.
But I've used that up.

I know they will want to maintain ratios, but I also need to maintain a wage.

Believe me, if I could afford it, I wouldn't be in work.

And to be honest, if I'm not in work I'm made to feel like shit when I go back.
After last time I was made to feel a failure and I keep getting told that if I go off sick again they will change my room, and with being autistic, change is really difficult for me.

I think most people hate going back to work, you are definitely not alone on this.

Focus on your children and why you are doing this.

It often isn’t as bad as you imagine and this time next week you will probably be back in the swing of it.

How long have you worked there, after 2 years you should get paid sick leave.

I hope your MH improves soon, routine should help and getting out and talking to others so try and focus on the positives of the job. Staying off could increase your depression you need to constantly fight against it.

I know it’s really hard, I’ve had depression and I did eventually manage to beat it, don’t let it win, you can do this. Fight it,

Good luck

Very concerned to hear that somebody with as much MH problems as you describe , feels forced to return to work.

Your workplace can not be separated from the fact that it involves very vulnerable children. And I have no young kids , but I would be extremely upset if my child was in this nursery.

This is not an attack ,OP, I struggle myself with depression. I would wish for your own sake for you to be able to be supported by your employer , GP or any other specialist to recover before you return to work. I cant imagine that the additional stress would be very good for you. And the consequences could be very serious .

I've seen my GP.
He feels I'm able to work.
My boss feels I should be in work.

Like I said, if I'm not in I'll be made to feel even worse which isn't something I can cope with.

And I get what you're saying about how you'd be unhappy if your child was in this nursery, but no one has a clue apart from the colleagues in my room and my manager and the owner.

Everyone else thinks I'm fine.
To be honest, if I found out someone looking after my kids was struggling so much I'd be upset. Not because they were looking after my kids, but because they should have more support.

I have very little at the moment.
I'm hoping the early intervention team will be more helpful on Saturday.

How did you get on?

I'm utterly exhausted!
All the children were grumpy and out if routine, so we had lots of overtired crying, along with one newbie.

It wasn't as bad as I had feared, but I do actually love my job (I know it doesn't come across like that. I love what I do. I don't love management who make me feel awful)

But my colleague kept going into the office today and I can't help feeling she was talking about me to the manager.
I've no idea if that paranoia is based on truth, or if this voice is just trying to fuck with my head though.

It's mentally draining, not only having to mask my autism all day, but also fight against this voice putting me down and making me paranoid.

Well done for getting through the day. Hopefully now you can unwind and recharge your batteries.
Your colleague could have absolutely anything going on so try not to overthink it.
Kids are so needy that they provide a wonderful distraction sometimes. One more day and it’s the weekend.