Daddy’s girl/mummy’s boy - how to handle comments

[idranktoomuchjuice]

I am pregnant and weirdly emotional so please be nice

I had PND with DD (now 10 months) and I’ve just found out I’m expecting a second DD. I’m over the moon to be having two girls however I’m struggling with the “daddy’s girl” comments directed at DD1 since she was born. I don’t want to be dealing with the comments for DD2

Since DD1 was born she was labelled as a daddy’s girl even though she didn’t seem to have a preference for either of us. This weekend she does seem to be closer to her dad and he and MIL were always holding her so I didn’t get a look in. I just had the shit “mum jobs”.

My in-laws we’re constantly making comments about her being a daddy’s girl and how great it was for MIL as she only had boys so she said she always had “mummy’s boys” so that made feel especially shit.

Then my parents said the same yesterday.

I’ve always felt like a crap mum. That with PND and my life long low self esteem I’m feeling insecure and crappy about it and feel like I may as well just fuck off and hand DD2 straight to DH since he’s the superior parent.

I know this isn’t DDs fault either and she’s her own person and not responsible for my happiness but I don’t know what to say when I get these comments and how to not be affected by them.

Really sorry if your still with me. That was long and waffley!

I think this is more to do with your in laws than the gender of your dc! Mine (xH’s parents) used to say ds was a daddy’s boy and dd a daddy’s girl... despite both having a clear preference for me. They also said ds took after xh’s Cousin re certain characteristics, and that dd took after xh’s sister. Unlikely as a) I also had those characteristics and b) cousin was adopted so zero genetic link!
I think it was their way of trying to force/ claim a stronger bond to their side of the family. People are odd.

Maybe she's a daddy's girl because you have to do the 'mom work' and he gets to do the fun bits.

At the weekend you should have said "well I'm sure if daddy was doing x, y and z she'd have been just as happy having mommy cuddles".

@howmanysleepsnow

That could be it. MIL and FIL always wanted a girl but had 4 boys (not that it matters what you have at the end of the day I just know they really wanted a girl) plus they live a few hours away from us and she’s the first grandchild 🤷‍♀️

@GiveHerHellFromUs - I feel like that too. When she was born and DH was on paternity leave he would just let her sleep on him all day while he played on the PlayStation while I was cleaning the house as we kept getting visitors and I was doing the night shifts. And recovering from a third degree tear and episiotomy... wow I’m still feeling way more bitter than I realised

You are being way too sensitive about this.

@missypiggy19 - Yeah that’s why I posted about it.

Speak to him about how you feel because the resentment isn't going to help, especially with another LO on the way.

Even if you're ok with the way things are at home (which you're not) if he knows comments like that upset you he should say to MIL something like "ah she's not, she loves her mommy just as much" and shut MIL down until she stops.

idranktoomuchjuice - try be kind to yourself and how you think talk about yourself. Ignore your in-laws it’s just talk and noise, and means nothing. It doesn’t make your DH the superior parent - he just has cheers leaders and we all know that the bar for fathering is very low.

Also agree with the excellent advice from GiveHerHellFromUs

idranktoomuchjuice you're not. People who say you're being too sensitive are the types who say "it was only banter" or "gaawd, can't you take a joke?" after calling people rude names. Invariably they are the first to react far more dramatically if anyone does or says anything they don't like though.

You feel how you feel and your parents and in-laws are being thoughtless and insensitive given they know you had PND or they're actually trying to hurt you.

There very much can be an element of competition over grandchildren and "claiming" children - from the comments my mum makes about all her grandchildren you'd think she and her side of the family were all her grandchildren's sole biological relatives - not only did she ignore the grandchildren's other parents but also our father (to whom she remained happily married)'s family. All comments identified the grandchildren with her, her siblings, her parents or her cousins. MIL took a different tack and insisted that the children wanted to stay with her and not come home with me if I took them to visit. She'd literally get cake or biscuits out as I started to round them up to leave and pretend that that wasn't what the toddlers wanted to stay for! It was so obvious it was amusing but also a tiny bit hurtful as she was so vocal and insistent.

Given you are pregnant and have a history of PND your extended family are being thoughtless and insensitive and self absorbed and it's fine to recognise how you feel about that and know it's about them, not you.

I also echo that you are not being too sensitive. DS went through a 6 week phase where DH was the favourite and he was actively rejecting me - I was v upset about it. But like all these things it varies and I’m fine with it.

I would ignore in-laws. DS is apparently exactly like DH as well and shares no characteristics with me!

Speak to DH about how you feel though. Does sound normal to me!

Thanks all.

When I tried raising it with DH earlier he said I was being “Emo” so kinda just dismissed what I was saying. Maybe I wasn’t saying it right.

In fairness my family and DHs family don’t know about the PND but it came across as insensitive either way but I can never know if it’s me being over sensitive as I can be an over sensitive person anyway

DD looks just like DH as well so shares zero of my characteristics (thankfully as I’m ugly) which my mum also goes on about 🙄

When she was born and DH was on paternity leave he would just let her sleep on him all day while he played on the PlayStation while I was cleaning the house as we kept getting visitors and I was doing the night shifts. And recovering from a third degree tear and episiotomy

Sorry, what? No wonder you had PND!

When I tried raising it with DH earlier he said I was being “Emo” so kinda just dismissed what I was saying

What a nasty response. Has he always been like this?

OP.
Your husband sounds like a twat.
No wonder you have had PND.
It's stressful to read of new mothers being so poorly treated by their partners.

He doesn't sound nice. He sounds really selfish.
Have you any friends to talk to as your mother sounds insensitive too.

💐💐

And you aren’t ugly- you just feel ugly because of stupid people who should be loving you instead of bashing your self esteem!

Honestly, it's just small talk. People have set patter for talking about babies and much if it is centred around who they look like, if they've grown etc.
People will always "see" what they want to see. By the time your DD is a few years old, the conversation will have moved on to all of the fabulous things they can do.

Don't take it personally. Your in laws just sound smitten with their grand daughter and only "see" the bits of her Dad in her because they are probably remeniscing about your DH as a baby.

Don't take it personally. They're not saying it to upset you.

With my DD whenever people used to say 'such a daddy's girlfriend or indeed 'such a mummy's girl' I'd respond 'yeah, at the moment it's all about daddy for the ... (give example) but when it comes to ... (give example) mummy is the only one. Although some days it's neither of us and the bus driver is flavour of the month.'
This was all largely true and continues to be 10 years on.
United front is what's required, an attitude of affectionate acceptance of her whims and convey this to all. It'll also come in handy when she's older and tries the 'mummy/daddy would buy me/let me do this if s/he was here. Knock that trickery pokery on the head too!
Oh, and one day you'll be the other way round your do it darling Mr Squidgy, you know she like you reading bedtime stories/going to the funfair/etc better than me (aka mummy just wants a little break😂).