I don't even know where to start. I have a two year old and am 6 months pregnant with my second. I've been married for 8 years, together 14. We own a house, he has a great job and I work part time as and when I want to - on paper my life is perfect but I am so miserable and sad all the time.
I have really struggled with my daughter, every phase has been harder despite people telling me how great it is; oh they are so cuddly! Oh this stage is the best as they are so smiley! Then it's oh the walking! Oh the chatting!! I've hated all of it, found it all relentless and draining and thankless. I knew I wanted her to have a sibling but the only feeling I have about my pregnancy is I wish I could run away from it. I think about having another baby in a few months and want to scream and cry and hide. I'm a terrible pregnant person, constantly sick and exhausted and barely able to do anything. I'm a terrible parent as just put the tv on and hope for the best. We go out a lot and I do try to do fun things but I struggle.
I feel resentful of my husband as he is able to still be himself whereas I feel like becoming a mum has meant giving up so much of myself. My career, my sexiness, being trendy and cool etc. I'm just this grumpy boring mum who does mum things and it will be worse with two I'm sure.
I've tried counselling and cbt and antidepressants- nothing works. I'm just in this pit of despair all the time where I hate myself and hate my life. I've tried explaining to my husband and he tries so hard to help. We've hired a cleaner, my daughter goes to nursery a few times a week even though I'm home, I've tried getting back into my industry but there's no motivation or energy. she hates being left with nursery even though I'm shit and so I feel guilty about doing it and can't make her do any more days as I'd feel worse. I just feel stuck.
I know this is temporary- in a few years I can go back to work or find myself again but I'm just so lost and low and feel numb. I just don't know what to do. Everyone is posting their end of decade achievements and I want to say all I've done is get fat, give up, have children I don't even really like and become a moody cow