How to care less about my job

[Holiday2020]

I mean I love what I do and work hard but find it eats into family time, can be stressful so think about a lot when am at home, worry about how I can get promoted etc.

I really want to enjoy what I do, but leave at the door, don’t sweat the small stuff.

So am making it my resolution for 2020!

But I need help to get there.... any tips?

I have a small commute- only about 25 minutes, but I have a point in that commute (a particular roundabout) where I 'slam the door' on work mentally.

I also used to log onto work mails after dinner. Now I do not.

It's about making it a habit to mentally separate from your job. That is a skill as much as any!!!!

Thanks for the reply! That’s really a good idea... get to X and that’s it until tomorrow..

I often log in late and spend too much time on emails, often a thankless task. Might make the point call me if urgent and I’ve left!

Think this will be hugely helpful for my mental health

Holiday I also really struggle with leaving work behind.

I like the idea of 'call me if urgent' and then leave it alone.

Maybe also some marker of the working day ending? For me that marker used to be home and a glass of wine. I don't drink anymore (problems with using alcohol as a crutch!) so I try and have a different marker.... I get home and immediately change and shower and then start cooking for the family. I listen to podcasts or music, not the enws (which is just an extension of my day).

The other thing I try to do is to have something to look forward to- so I spend alot of time planning family holidays. (A cruise this year, and maybe a little trip to Centreparcs). It keeps me focused on things that are more emotionally nourishing than work.

Good luck. :)

I'm really similar OP. Thanks for this thread, some helpful suggestions.

Happy new year! Am feeling really positive will find a better balance with everything.

Does anyone else have any tips to share?

This is me too! It’s interesting reading others suggestions.

Some that work (or have worked in the past) for me are:

• before I leave work write a kts-do’ list for tomorrow (or the next few days). This helps me to mentally push the tasks/work into the next day, so I don’t keep thinking of work things
• having an after work drink with a friend I don’t directly work with, most of the time the chatting helps me move away from work thinking and to realise there are bigger things
• call and chat to someone (again, not someone I work with) on the way home. Same idea as above, it gets me thinking of other things, and out of the work-problem-thinking
• going to the gym/yoga class straight after work - as above, it really clears my mind! Bonus if it’s with a friend
• a friend has recommended mediatatng after work, suggesting even just 10-15 mins in your car in the garage before you come in will help. I plan to try this this year
• I now never take work home. I used to look at a certain desk at home and instantly think of a file as I had worked on it there! Now, no more. If I have extra work to do I get in early or stay a little later, but I do not do it at home.
• this goes double for emails at home. Even one tiny check used to move my brain back into ‘work mode’ within seconds, after it had taken 3 hours to relax out of it!
• I stay a little bit later on a Friday night getting everything ready for Monday. Then I really enjoy the weekend, knowing before 9am Monday, nothing can come up (I know this strictly isn’t true - but I mean 9am amonday is offical work hours again, so if someone sends something on a Sunday morning, I am justified in not being on top of it until 9am Monday)

I should have added, it was initially hard to justify or find the time for a drink or exercise after work etc, but after trying it and realising it works, I now know that NOT doing it is a false economy. If i don’t do something, it takes me longer to put work out of my mind when I am home, I am more keyed-up and I don’t sleep as well.

And of course there are all the good benefits of exercise itself!

Exercise idea is a good one! I used to think the more senior you were, the more you had to be tied to the job. I realise now is not true. Also I often find myself picking up slack of everyone else. This is crazy as issue is with them not me!

Thanks for replies, really helpful

I used to feel this all the time, OP, and I never could make those internal boundaries while I was in that job. A manager said to me once ‘you’ll find people do best when they manage not to care quite so much.’ Which helped me realise I was in the wrong job - I could never get the right balance of caring (where £ and growth was concerned) and not caring (re quality of work), and I realised I didn’t want to.

What worked like magic for me was to retrain into a totally different field. Where I work now there is more or less a flat structure, so little chance of my getting promoted, which at least takes away that particular worry .

And in my experience of corporate work, the more senior you are the more licence you have to be offline doing your important strategic thinking; if you’re known for checking emails & responding all the time people will just load you down with their busywork (& consider you a grafter rather than ‘leadership material’).

I’ve cracked this one, 85% of the time. My main problem now is thinking about home stuff at work!

I too use the (long) commute home to detach from work.

Prioritisation at work, eg focusing on most important/urgent stuff, declining pointless meetings.

Compartmentalising. Focusing on the present place/people/tasks.

Exercise slots during the week. Meditation.

Don’t log in in evenings, and if you do don’t send email, save them in draft.

On the promotion or other current issue, consider what more you can do, try to do it, then let thoughts about it pass in your mind, rather than going deep into them! Your mind will soon move onto other thoughts.

Unfortunately I had to have a bit of a breakdown/ crisis to achieve this separation (not recommended!). I was away from work for 3 months and everything carried on without me, just fine! Of course things were done differently, perhaps not quite as well as I would have done them, but the wheels carried on turning and no-one died. This was a useful realisation for me.

I think I was also going about it the wrong way - I thought I would be perceived as more successful and committed if I was always visible in the office, always answering emails promptly out of hours, always doing things straight away. I was caught up in trying to prove to someone (no idea who) how efficient I was.
But I looked around and realised no-one else in my immediate team was doing the same. And no-one thought they were failures, or inefficient, or not worth the salary....so I realised it was me being a bit of a mug really.

This was about ten years ago. Since then I have completed a couple of major professional achievements- just slower than I wanted to. I think I was trying to rush progression too much.

So, for me it took a shift in mindset more than anything. But, what has helped since then is agreement with colleagues in my immediate team about email replies in ‘working’ hours, so we all try to make sure that we don’t send or reply at 5am/ 10pm, as this creates expectations that this kind of extended working is the norm, and that actually does a dis-service to colleagues working normal 9-5 hours, it’s not fair on them.

I also use out of office replies more, perhaps if I’m working on something big that needs a day’s concentration e.g. I am away from my desk most of the day on Friday 13th blah blah. I’ll get back to you etc. No one has had an issue with this.

I also say No more often. Perhaps I would be interested in doing xyz or going to an event, or training, but if it’s not essential or going to be really valuable to me, it’s a No.

I also over-estimate how long tasks will take me and allow myself more time. Yes, I probably could write that report within 3 days, but I’m going to tell you it’ll take a week, or perhaps ask for more time on an unreasonable deadline. Less pressure on me, and no-one seems to mind.

So I began to care less, and I can detach from work much more than I used to, because I know my health is at risk otherwise.

Sorry that’s not really many practical things to do, but that’s how I’ve experienced the transition from work absorption to separation. I really hope you can work towards this too!