No parents in my life ,no relatives,anyone the same?

[Christmaspug]

Both parents have always been wrapped up in themselves,busy alienating the rest of their family.
I’ve not seen dad in 30 yrs ,his choice ,mum self absorbed,can’t even remember her grandchildren’s names / ages .she’s seen my 12 yr old twice .im an only child
Grew up miserable and alone with no relatives
I’ve just got on with things ,accepting of the situation.
I don’t get why mid 40s it’s suddenly a problem.
I’m frustrated with myself that I’m feeling depleted,I give and give to my dc
Perhaps it’s like a bank ,where you can’t keep drawing money out ,without putting any in.
I’m a full time carer for 2 of my children who have disabilities.
I don’t want a pity party for one ,I don’t want to feel like this .
I want a mother’s love and encouragement,a fathers involvement.
But I’m not going to get it .so I need to pull myself together,
But why now when I’ve managed so well so far .
Bloody frustrating
Anyone similar? Any ideas to get past this would be great x

Anyone?

I'm in a similar situation and I don't have any answers. I just allow myself to feel bitter and defeated from time to time and then try and get a grip and carry on. But have this permanent underlying sadness.

yes it's shit. especially this time of year. i wish i had answers too. it doesn't seem fair that so many people seem to take for granted having a loving family and somewhere to go. i wish i had somewhere to go someone to cook me a meal etc. i usually just try to focus on the dcs and keep busy but yes there is always permanent sadness and pain. with no partner and no family it is very lonely

I only see one person from my DNA family, like her the rest of our DNA family have nothing to do with me and haven’t since I was 17 on mums side and 23 on dads. Their loss.

I have a Mum, my son has a Grandma. You don’t need to share DNA to be family.

Do you have a partner? It sounds like a day off from parenting duties is what you need.

That does sound tough, maybe you have been burying your feelings all this time and it’s time to work on them? Maybe you can’t hide them anymore and it might help to talk them through with someone. I hope you find some help. I’m a similar age and I’ve been feeling down for a few years now, different reasons but ultimately I think the age thing has something to do with it as I thought by now in my life I’d have everything figured out, but it’s far from it, so I am thinking of finding a counsellor to talk things through, see if that helps.

Thankyou for all your replies
Perhaps it’s just the new year ,I’m never good at new year ,bizarrely.
I could not imagine being the type of parent mine were ,
On a down day it’s hard not to think it’s my fault .unlovable in some way

I don’t have anyone at all except my dc and my dh. I just tell myself that’s more than a lot of people. I think you have to be really tough with yourself to be your own cheerleader. Some days are harder than others.

(My mum died this year, we had a difficult relationship. No contact with my dad. All other relatives dead. No siblings).

Just want to send you some

I wonder if there is any way you can get involved in a community with older people? I’m not religious but I went to an event at my mum’s church recently and there were so many warm and welcoming older people. There could be older people out there who would love to connect with you. I know it’s not the same but it might help. Sounds like you’re probably too busy but just a thought.

Take care of yourself, and happy new year.

I'm on my own too. I just have my 8 month old. I haven't gone back to work yet so I'm pretty much alone with the baby all day and some days I don't even talk to anyone. I go back to work soon though so I'm hoping things will improve then.

Same. It's just me and DH. Like you I have two additional needs children, youngest of whom is an absolute handful.
I've no friends and minimal family. Neither set of parents help at all. DH works long hours.
I live a lonely pointless existence at the moment with no light at the end of the tunnel.

I think the church idea is a good one ,I could definitely try that

I think 40s can be a time when life catches up with you and you start to reflect on your life. Menopause doesn't help either!

It is definitely like a bank, you need deposits before you can take out. Finding out what fills you up is a challenge if you have put focus into children as you can lose yourself.

I don't think you are alone in your feelings however

Because you’re grieving op
Grieving for the life you should’ve/ could’ve had

This time of ‘ supposed happy families’ just throws up these feelings Of loss at this time of the year.

As well as feelings of sadness, there’ll also be anger as you think to yourself’ why couldn’t you just love me like normal parents do’

I would suggest going to mind to work on these feelings with a trained counsellor.
Swallowed anger can lead to depression.

I bet in the summer, you just get on with it

I too am an only child but a very much wanted one and my parents, aunt , uncle and grandma played a huge part in my life

It’s no consolation but I feel just as sad at this time of the year..but I don’t have the anger

( well only at dementia that robbed me of the last years of my lovely mothers life, and my aunts..and my grandma) 😡😡😡

Pug...it’s definitely not you
Honestly.
They lacked the child loving gene.

Fairylea..just think ..a little way down the line ( hopefully) the children will bring partners into the family...and then their children too. And hopefully you will at the centre of it all..like I am with mine
Two children, a partner each, three kids each and a fabulous second husband

14 years ago, I faced a bleak Christmas with a husband that didn’t love me anymore and was cheating.

Now all changed.
I count my blessings every day.

Christmaspug, same here, only DH and my 2 DC. No other relatives, I'm estranged from my Mum, MIL is distant, both physically and emotionally, my Dad died years ago.
I'm an only child same as DH. It's tough this time of year with so much emphasis on big happy families. TBH I rely on a couple of close friends as being my surrogate family, but they have their own extended families at Christmas and I do end up feeling a Billy-no-mates.

My children have had a good Christmas, although I feel I have to work hard to make it happy for them.
I can't wait for normal life to resume next week!

It's sometimes silly things like no one else seeing my Christmas decorations! A couple of friends did drop in before and after Christmas day. I'm an introvert, so I don't make friends readily.

I've learnt it is best to stay of of social media this time of year! Too many people posting about cooking for large family gatherings.

I sometimes feel a deep sadness and grieve for the family that I always wanted as a child growing up but never had, I used to beg my Mum for a brother or sister. Her most hurtful act has been to leave me as an only child.

We need a thread on here ,a supportive thread for people without helpful/ supportive families
I didn’t really think other people would feel the same
I don’t take any pleasure in the fact others feel similar,
But I do feel less alone xx

Makes me think of the lyrics to "Message in a bottle" The Police:

Walked out this morning, I don't believe what I saw
A hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore
Seems I'm not alone in being alone
A hundred billion castaways looking for a home

My parents are dead. I have 6 siblings but it’s just me and dc. Strangely my exdp has been my biggest support recently. He’s become my best friend. He has no family so he gets it.
This Christmas has been so sad and lonely. I made the mistake of getting in contact with a few of my siblings. They are still bastards. Unloving, uncaring and selfish. Lesson learnt..don’t bother again. I feel bad for my children. They’re missing out on cousins and a loving extended family.
They had a lovely Christmas because of me and exdp. I felt broken. Missing my Mam..I had no relationship with my Dad so I don’t think about him much.
I’m glad Christmas is over now

No parents, no siblings, no friends, various of aunts, uncles, cousins that don't care about me. Without DP I'd have no one.
I've come to terms with it but it still makes me lonely and sad, particularly at this time of year when I wish them happy xmas/new year on Facebook or like their happy family pictures and they just ignore me.
Life is lonely. I am lonely.

Facebook is an evil curse, yet I'm still drawn to it for some stupid reason. But I do try to remember that it is all a projection of what people want you to believe about them, and their perfect life and perfect family. as seen on FB may in reality be very different.

Yes I understand what you’re saying. There’s me and my DCs. I have seen ex BIL recently. We don’t really keep in touch but he always remembers his nephews at Christmas.

You have to find a feeling of family from friends or clubs you join. It’s not the same but it does help. You’ll still get those downs but they’re not as often. Being accepted though a hobby (or DCs hobby as I found out this Christmas) is enough to keep the downs at bay.

At Christmas I’ve made my own traditions. Panto in the city at end Nov, breakfast followed by a blockbuster (rise of skywslker this year) when it comes out mid December and local panto Christmas Eve. They all help combat social media happy family posts as I know it’s what my DCs will remember.

Also don’t be hard on yourself when you are down. When I’m in that place I remind myself that it will pass.

As well as feelings of sadness, there’ll also be anger as you think to yourself’ why couldn’t you just love me like normal parents do’
This.
Our lovely neighbours (about the same age as my estranged parents) are lovely to my dc and I would love to adopt them, except they have loads of grandchildren of their own. My own parents are estranged and have just left me to it and I try not to let it get me down but it REALLY affects me. My grandparents were like parents to me and I cant help but think about them especially at this time of the year. I am anxious and yes, in my forties and yes facing the menopause (and currenly trying to iron out hormone related issues). I have a dh but I can't help thinking that if something happened to him, there would be no other adult in my life (db only contacts occasionally). I just seem to feel anxious these days. My neighbours are off to spend NYE with their children/grandchildren and I know of another family where there will be 3 generations gathered. It just sucks when you don't have it. Looking forward it would be lovely to think that might happen again. No more children for me (3 lovely dds) but hopefully gc. in the future. We went to a panto this afternoon, again just trying to make the best of it. It sort of feels like I limp on but at the same time, I know I should feel incredibly grateful for what I have - anxiety is wrecking it at the moment.

Hope all on this thread survived Christmas and NYE.

I'm really looking forward to normal life resuming next week, apart from the questions at work about how we spent Christmas and NYE, answer is just the 4 of us at home.

Thanks everyone for posting on here
We actually had a huge upset over new year with my adult dc ,so I’d not read the last messages .
Perhaps we can try to support each other ,if we keep using this thread x
Happy new year everyone
Hope this year is kind to us all 💐