Struggling with the thought of another year

[namechangedyetagain]

Anyone else? I feel so sad, anxious, worried. Every year is worse than the last. I lost d bro last year, d gf this year. I can't catch a break and I just exist. I don't like what I've become (fat, drink too much) but I don't have any oomph in me to change.
Just want to escape

It’s not your fault these things have happened to you making life difficult for you. Can you just accept that you need to exist for a bit until you feel a little stronger to make some changes and be a bit happier? Don’t pressure yourself to do or be anything. Just sit back and take a little time to accept things. Then you can make whatever changes you need to when you’re ready.

I've been existing for so long. I'm on medication and I've had therapy. But I don't think the pain will ever go. I don't know how I'm going to get through another year. It has been shit for about 6 years now, one thing after another.
I've had enough. I'm worn down. Exhausted. Sick of seeing amazing lives on FB. I'm just done.
Have not even managed to get up yet, the children are watching tv.

Yup. I’m always wAiting for the he t thing. I keep it mainly to myself because it’s not worth the eye rolls, and the sighs, and the character attacks off many people. Last decade was a shorter. I know I’m only in for more.

Have you spoken to anyone about the way you're feeling? Samaritans for example?

OP sorry to hear you feel like that. I know your children are happy that you exist whether you're still in bed or not.

Life isn't always great, you know logically facebook is fake. Stop beating yourself up comparing lives. If you want a better life then create that life, go back to therapy, force yourself to be kind to yourself. I know that sounds hard to you but your DC don't deserve to grow up without a mum. There isn't a magic pill out there that will give you motivation and energy to be the person you want to be. You have to put the work in for that, but it is doable, you just have to start.

I'd start with,

A chore list for DC.

Going for a walk most days to the park or similar with the DC.

Buy nice food instead of booze.

Look into developing yourself and creating a life ambition. That may be a college course, open uni, learn a trade, whatever you want. Start small with one step and the next thing you'll know you will have achieved a year of working towards something better for yourself.

Have a long hot bath every night. Develop a night time routine so you sleep well and want to get up.

Yoga and meditation. Theres a youtuber called Adrian who does a January start for yoga. Try it.

You don't have to always feel like a failure and feel like shit. You can have the life you want if you create it. Start small. Be kind to yourself. Eat well, sleep well, exercise.

I have. I've had a counsellor since Feb, and also used the samaritans. I've tried to keep going and make the best of Christmas but I feel so sad and lost. Everyone in rl is just fed up of hearing me moan I think.

for others also having an awful time.

I think people just don't know what else they can say to "help", when all.someone needs sometimes is an ear.

Try not to beat yourself up for feeling down .
You are grieving and people do it in many ways .
Do the Yoga and hot baths and care for yourself ... you are worth it .
Do not pressure yourself to “ get better “ soon ... this will be a long process ...

People do care for you xx

Sorry you are struggling op. It will get better in time. Keep going. One step at a time and focus on your DC. They need you. Do keep speaking to people in RL. I agree it's not that people are fed up listening to you, more that they don't understand and don't know how to help. Ask for what you need and recognise that when you feel like you have described it is the depression and anxiety Talking. Simple things like a walk everyday, probiotics (eg Actimel etc) and writing a list of what you have achieved that day ( eg got up, read with DC) all helps

I hear you, OP. It’s been a shitter if 15 years for me with the last 3 being unbearable. I simply exist.

I’ve set myself a goal of walking 1000km in 2020, read 12 books (though my concentration and memory is awful). Maybe you could set yourself a couple of things just for you?

I need to do more. I need to drink a lot less. I need to stop being such a shitty person. Get my hair cut, look after myself. But it's having the money isn't it. Have nothing planned in to look forward to, just more drudgery.

Went to the cemetery earlier and broke down. Came home. Had lunch and 2/3 bottle of wine and then fell asleep.

I know I'm useless. I've switched off FB as it's making things worse.

Stay away from Facebook.

Have you thought about contacting your local church to say you’re struggling? You don’t have to be religious - most of them have pastoral teams. They were a life saver for me and I made a lovely friend.

I have been in contact with our vicar, but as she rightly says grief is one of those things. She believes that you go on to something better. I'm not sure. I just know that visiting my barely turned 42 to bro is no way to spend NYe.

A whule ago I found some strength ans applied dot a course, due to start this year. I've since talked myself out of it as in not sure I'm good enough to pass, let alone get a job after.

Today is grey and bleak and it's not just the weather😥

Me too

would it matter if you did or didn't pass the course? Might the experience of just doing it be enough for now?

The new year always makes me anxious too OP. You're not alone

It would incur a lot of debt if I didn't pass (student loan) as it's a full time course. I'm not sure. Maybe I can defer who knows.

I just feel really awful at the minute. Like I've been muddling along pretending it's all ok and actually it isn't.

Remember the amazing lives you see on Facebook often aren’t that amazing - lots of people portray an image that isn’t reality

Yes, I do you are not alone. Bereavement/grief never goes away, you sort of have to travel with it by your side. It makes everything seem pointless and encompasses depression, people who have not experienced it don't fully understand (and now I have a massive fear of further loss etc.). No real advice, except it is still early days for you (enquire about deferment so you know you've got the option) etc. Existing just about sums it up for me too, I am desperate to get a better grip of the anxiety/depression that has currently engulfed me.