How much does your DH contribute practically to Christmas/the rest of the year

[shoebedobedobedobedoo]

Just been reading another thread about a ‘lazy fucker’ husband, and have seen loads of MN posts over the last few weeks about women running themselves ragged over Christmas with minimal input from DHs. ive thought about how my DH would do Christmas. He would book Christmas lunch out. He would go to Hamleys and buy a pile of nonsense for the DC (which they would probably love, but none of which was on their Christmas list and all of which would be bagged rather than wrapped) we probably wouldn’t have a tree,(we don’t have outside lights because putting them up an taking them down again would just be another job to my list) he certainly wouldn’t write any Christmas cards or think about gifts for teachers, gifts to DC would be thanked by him by text and he wouldn’t drive round the countryside appeasing lots of relatives. And it would all be fine.
I’ve been extrapolating the Christmas model to everyday life.
DH is putting out the bins as I type, and he hoovered downstairs yesterday while I was at work (it was bad) but largely needs to be prompted to do domestic chores unless it’s got really bad. He doesn’t organise play dates, would miss most school activities parents get invited to (with 5 minutes notice), wouldn’t spend hours actively entertaining DC (would have an entertain yourself approach). The dishes would pile up until there were none left and then he’d have to put the dishwasher on, ditto washing clothes. The grass would get cut when it was a foot high. He wouldn’t do ‘keeping on top’.(in reality I know he’d get a cleaner housekeeper twice a week and a Gardner)
Im just wondering how much ‘lazy husband’ talk is actually women (and I include myself in this) complaining that their husband hasn’t done something their way and in their time frame, rather than actual laziness or selfishness. DH survived quite well on his own before he met me, he just did things differently, and didn’t live in a disgusting pit) and even though we now have DC in the mix, I’m sure I’d be way less stressed if I could actually live some of my life his way. The house would be messier and more disorganised, the kids would certainly be more self reliant but perhaps we’d all be a bit happier?And in the grand scheme of life things would be fine.

We totally split it here. One takes the lead on presents and the other on catering / social arrangements. It's been like this from the beginning. I don't understand situations where the woman does it all. Why wouldn't you talk about it at your first Christmas and split the jobs?

I agree that a lot of the complaints about lazy husbands are because some women want things their way. Many men don’t see a fair share of childcare and house stuff as their responsibility though either

he just did things differently

I think this is the the key point. I often think that about some threads - posters are complaining that things aren’t done the way that they want them done, which is a very different thing from those things being totally neglected. My DH would be rather like yours, I suspect. Life would get sorted out, just in a more haphazard way. I wouldn’t like that, but it doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong.

DH and I (in that we are both exactly like your DH). We never argue about housework.

The only real argument is whose job it is to do homework with the DC's. And I blame that on their teachers.

That should have said DH and I are the same.

DH does more and has slightly higher standards than I do. For example yesterday he hoovered and I hadn’t noticed it needed to be done.
Christmas would be the same. He loves our tree and decorations. He’s an excellent present buyer and wrapper. He cooks the Christmas lunch. Not sure Christmas cards would happen though. DS thank yous would be a photo of him texted rather than a written one.
DS would have less play dates and social things would happen less. Probably less holidays because I book lots.

I think there are lots of factors. One is how you want to live - what standard of cleanliness etc. Another is that women are socialised to notice mess and to see domestic issues as their jobs.

I have observed that since having a child my husband needs to understand the consequences of not doing a job in order to be bothered to do it: eg. I texted him from bed win the baby the other night to ask him to hang the washing out and turn dehumidifier on. He didn’t do it. Nor did he clean the kitchen. I went out the next morning and he stayed at home with the baby. When I got back he was grumpy - Complaining that the washing was in the way on the rack, he’d had no lunch etc. I pointed out that this is why I’d asked for it to be done the night before! He understands now. If he hadn’t had that experience I think he would have thought I was nagging.

women are socialised to notice mess and to see domestic issues as their jobs

I think men notice mess too but are less inclined to clean it up.....DH will clean up, but he’d rather pay someone to do it. I’m watching DS closely as I’m determined that he grows up to be a responsible pro active partner, but it’s a much bigger struggle to get DS to do anything than DD (who is a natural people pleaser). I wonder how much is subconsciously learned behaviour? And I know many women with just sons who willingly seem to perpetuate the cycle.

For Christmas dh bought a couple of presents, wrapped about a third of the presents (we have 7 kids so a decent amount) did the food shop, helped decorate and cooked dinner Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Generally he works full time while I stay at home so doesn't do much during the week, but always helps with bedtime, cleans down the sides in the kitchen and does the dishwasher if I haven't already done it. He cleans the bathrooms at the weekend and does his own washing. He normally cooks at the weekend as well.

We split it here too and take turns each year to cook Christmas dinner.

However we both work full time and share the house hold and parenting 50/50.

I think in a lot of cases, the woman works less/not at all and therefore the husband shoulders far more of the financial responsibilities by working more so the one with far more free time should be picking up far more of the house stuff.

Likewise, some like things done set ways or believe in the “perfect” Christmas and want it their way.

In September he transfers money into an account to cover presents and extra food and drink.
He gets the Christmas trees, picks up the turkey, picks up parcels/orders from various places, we do the supermarket shop together.
On Christmas Day he mashed the potatoes and carved the turkey, he does the dishes with DC.
This year for the second time in 20 years he helped with wrapping, the first year was when I was heavily pregnant with DC3. He also cooked the dinner that year as DC3 was a couple of weeks old, although I'd prepared and frozen the stuffing, PIB, gravy and cauliflower cheese.

DH is not that great at Christmas time this year - he's got too much going on in his head this year. But normally he is the one to do DDs presents (other than her stocking) and his DM. I've normally at least got ideas if not bought things for most others by the time he is ready to talk about it (October) as we have more than 50 to organise.

He normally is involved in decorating and cleaning. While I tend to do the shopping, he is involved in choosing dishes and treats, and will go to a few specific shops to make sure we have those things.

And he's very much part of prepping and cooking Christmas dinner. And doing the general housework to keep the house going. And organising hosting people for a couple of things over the break.

On a day to day basis, he is very much part of the running of the house. He mostly does the laundry - I'll organise a load or throw it into dryer/on the line but he does more if that, tends to do the folding (we fold clean things once a week) and always does the ironing.

He puts the bins out more often than me, and runs the hoover around too. He does a more superficial but more frequent clean of the bathroom than I do. He frequently has the dishwasher empty before I get downstairs in the mornings.

While we can both cook,,and have done in the past, I tend to be home earlier nowadays so tend to cook most days. But whoever doesn't cook, does the washing up.

I tend to do the planning, diary, shopping etc and a lot of the paperwork/ bills, but he also does some here too.

Actually, he is not totally virtuous - he wraps 1present a year and is rapidly learning to get DD to do it for him. He would be gift bags all the way if he had to do it all....

DH plans and cooks Christmas meals and pays for all the food and booze etc. He organised and collected the turkey, did an online booze and cheese order but I went to the supermarket for everything else.

I bought and paid for all the presents apart form his mum and dad. I wrapped them all.

I do all the tidying and decorating before and during Christmas.

In general, we both work full time but DH works from home so does more childcare. I do weekly food shops etc and most of the cleaning. He does the kitchen (badly) and cooks the meals every day.

Mine isn't great at Christmas really and I nearly lost it as he didn't even put his clothes away in the bedroom (for weeks). He was brought up in a house where his father won't lift a cup and calls mil over to do it. Dh isn't like that but somewhere deep down I think that's in him.

I did all the grocery shopping present buying booked shows. Santa. House cleaning and put up decorations.

Dh got the tree down from the attic and sent cards / money / bought his side gifts.

women are socialised to notice mess and to see domestic issues as their jobs

Made me laugh, must have missed the day I was socialised into that. Poor old DH despairs at my messiness. But yes you have a point, there is still a boring gender stereotype about men's and women's roles and housework. Am so very very glad DC are not having this crap modelled to them. I just could not be with a man who saw it as my job and if DH ever had a personality transplant and went that way if divorce him and get a cleaner

I agree that outdated stereotypes persist about men's and women's roles. My approach is just not to the the ones I don't enjoy. I love wrapping presents and my "tasteful" colour coordinated modest Christmas decorations.

Imagine my surprise when it emerges that DH loves sending and receiving Christmas cards and 'surprise' presents. Sigh. I leave him to get in with it. Happy Days.

Christmas. I buy all presents for him and DD, well actually if i need something specific he'll go and get it, but this year i did it all online.
We don't do cards.
We don't visit anyone.
He used to always cook Christmas dinner ,but DD prefers mine so I cook for me and her and he does his.
We do the tree/decorating together.
He buys presents for my bday and Christmas .
We go food shopping together, if he wants anything extra or from a different shop he goes by himself.
We cleaned/tidied together.

Wrapping is a joint affair . Me and DD wrap for him, he and DD wrap for me. Me and him wrap for DD or he takes her out so I can do it.

He's had a few lazy days recently but it doesn't bother me... so did I.

Made me laugh, must have missed the day I was socialised into that.

Me too, I must have been home sick.

I'm the lazy sod here, he does more housework than me and cooks dinner most nights (although that's partly due to him coming in when I'm cooking and telling me I'm doing it wrong).

I grew up with a mother who seems to have been like some wives on here - VERY particular, do it her way (which was never adequately explained, just got shouted at for 'doing it wrong'), impossible to please and very sulky and 'silent treatment' if her impossible and unspoken standards weren't adhered to.

So maybe I'm in the position of some husbands. I do things my way or I don't even attempt them. The aversion I have to even starting some things is very powerful. I'm single, so it doesn't matter, but even the hint that someone is not satisfied with the way I've done something is enough to give me the heebie jeebies.

My husband is much better at seeing and doing jobs than me but it sort of balances with him probably in the lead slightly.

i do most of the christmassy things, in fact nearly all. And i carry out most of the adminny things throughout the year such as arranging holidays, insurance, bill paying etc. And im happy to. Dh contributes in other, more physical ways, like fixing stuff and doing skip runs. I would say it works out 50/50. My jobs take more time, but id rather sit on the phone for an hour or spend two hours looking for the best deal online rather than 30 mins rounding up rubbish to take to the skip, or fixing the toilet. Daily housework is prob 40/60 skewed more towards dh, he tidies up whereas i will clean.

We still celebrate Christmas with my mother who is very-particular-do-it-her-way, gets stressy and anxious if anything is not just-so (but otherwise lovely). As a result, dh and I split any Christmas preparation done at our house before we go, but once we arrive in my old country, I become my mother's assistant and dh skulks in a corner/helps to carry shopping until Christmas Day when he takes over the kitchen and does an English turkey dinner.

The rest of the year, we are both pretty messy but he does more housework as I am working longer hours.

He grew up with a SAHM who had a housekeeper so he had never had to do a thing. He then lived in halls for seven years and then lodged with a family.

He did expect me to be more like his Mum at first, doing Christmas cards and most chores. I told him to do one and that it would be over. I remember going in to work, we were living together and complaining to the women at work. Well to a woman they said well you just do it yourself. That’s the socialisation aspect mentioned.

It’s been even over the years with chores and childcare. I don’t work as retired due to ill health in my late forties. We had a cleaner for years but she left a couple of years ago and I haven’t found another yet.

He works long hours and as at home I do more now but he still does stuff like clean the bathrooms every week.