Handhold/ chat please

[Dictionariesandpictionaries]

A family member died recently, funeral today. I didn't know them very well really but I've been supporting those that did and it's hard. It was expected but I'm struggling more than I thought I would. I can't sleep bc I'm too emotionally wired (but also drained) and I just want to chat a bit if anyone's awake

I'm awake. Not very good at the sympathy though. Do you want to talk about your family member?

Thank you sofa! I'm not very good at sympathy either tbh, hence why I'm finding it hard. I never know what to say really.
Thing is, I only knew them when they were old and ill really, so it's confusing to try to comfort people who remember them as young, funny and so on. They had a rather peculiar sense of humour, but it was brilliant if you got it. Musical. Very determined. I don't know. I'm just rambling

It’s incredibly hard to support through a bereavement

I didn’t really talk to my friends when my dad died because it’s so hard to be that supportive friend, I just thought I’d save them the aggro

I can only say, try not to take on the pain of others. It doesn’t relieve their burden and just adds one to your list!

The last thing I remember them saying to me was "you're very pretty", I don't want to come out with that irl bc it sounds so self-centered, but it was amazingly clear amongst all the mumbling, and weirdly touching. I wrote a message on a leaf at a national trust place Chapel just after they passed away, it was good but then they can't read it so what was the point

Autumn Rose, thank you so much, it is hard. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad, that must have been tough. And yes, art of the reason I'm posting on here is bc I don't want to take more from my friends than they are already giving. That makes sense though, when I heard, I was mostly really worried about the other people in my family. But yes, trying not to internalise the burden makes sense

OP “ I wrote a message on a leaf at a national trust place Chapel just after they passed away, it was good but then they can't read it so what was the point”

Oh, it’s nice because it gets your feelings down and it’s noted in a special place.

I think boards like this are really useful because people are only logged on and replying when they are feeling all right to do it IYSWIM.

Yes, and I feel like people could just scroll past if they weren't in the right head space to do that particular thread, not like messaging a friend where they might feel obliged to reply. True re the writing feelings down, I think I'm just over thinking it tbh!

Is there anything you want to talk about?

I really must go to bed

All good wishes to you and yours OP.

Sofa, I might just write some random shit if that's okay. I wish I'd known them better. There was so much more to them than the ill old person I knew. I've found out more about them since they died tbh, age (I'm only in my early 20s now so I was a child when they were properly active) and distance prevented me. I wish they hadn't.
I feel bad for not being there for my DM when he passed, I was away and offered to come back but she said I should stay. It's so hard to try to comfort your own dm, like it's the wrong way round.
I'd never been to a funeral before either, so that was difficult. It's so weird, it's so formal but then people are crying etc. I don't know

Thanks autumn Rose, good night 🙂

I'm going to try to sleep now, should be easier now I've chatted shit for a bit!
Thank you so much both of you for replying, it really did help me.

I'd just like to add, try helping them with grief by asking them about the family member, stories from when s/he was younger etc. It will help you and them

OP only just seen your message and you may have already logged off but just to send virtual hugs and support. In terms of supporting others who are grieving I think it's important sometimes just to be there for them and available if they want to talk about the person - memories etc. You don't necessarily have to share your own. It sounds as if this is perhaps your first experience of the death of someone in your 'circle' and, even if you personally weren't close to them, it will in some way make you a little more aware of your own mortality and that of those around you (for example your DM), which can make you feel a bit wobbly for a while. Secondly one loss can trigger memories of other losses, which means that people can often find themselves grieving more intensely than they would expect. Be kind to yourself over the coming days and weeks and I hope you get some sleep tonight.

Map, thank you, that sounds useful I will try it 🙂

Karmagician - thank you so much! You have got it exactly, that is how I feel. I keep thinking what if db died, what if dm died and so on. Your post made me cry a bit, which was great bc it was really the release I needed. Thanks for your advice, and to all of you for taking the time to reply. I will actually go to sleep now!