Should he have told me?

[hotstepper4]

I am emetophobic, since I was around 13 years old. I've had plenty of therapy over the years, so it's better than it was, I now only panic if I'm in direct contact with a bug, or if its in my house.

I have 1 ds who is 9, I also have 3 dsc, dsd11, dss10 and dss6. We have eow and some midweek visitation.

On Xmas eve, we had visitation and just before the dsc were due to go back to their dm, dss6 began crying and saying his tummy hurt. I didn't panic really as he was leaving, but I knew it was out of character for him, he would never say that for the sake of it.

He came for a further visit on the Friday, again complaining of tummy pain. I asked dh about it, and he said his exw had told him that dss6 had been having pain since Tuesday, but no other symptoms, and she would see how he went.

On Saturday they came for overnight, dss6 seemed fine. He's close to ds, so they played together all day, even had a bath together. They also ate crisps from the same bowl.

On Sunday, dss6 had diarrhoea all day. Dh confessed that actually he'd had diarrhoea on and off since Tuesday, but he hadn't told me as he thought I'd panic. I am now! I can't believe that he'd let me put my ds in the samey bath, eat from the same bowl, all the while knowing. My ds has been so looking forward to new years eve, and now I'd say there's a strong chance he'll be ill.

Should dh have told me?

Yes he should have told you because he knows you and knows the level of control you need to try and exert over the situation in order to feel safe (I say this not cruelly because I am the exact same as you!). He's obviously not wanted to ruin the holidays by saying anything, my dh has kept his mouth shut over certain things he knew I'd freak over as well - it really doesn't fucking help.

If dss has not thrown up and it's been gone on for 5 days it doesn't sound like a typical catching bug that is usually 24-48hrs to me iyswim? I'd take solace in that.

That's exactly it, I have coping behaviours and he did not allow me to follow them. Still, what's done is done, will have to wait and see..

It’s about infection containment and control, which should be done as a common sense procedure by us all. It is important, as not doing things properly can spread infection to more people.

If someone has a bug they should stay away from others and everything they touch should be cleaned with dettol or antibacterial spray, including bathroom door handle, lock etc - and they should have their own separate towel and flannel so germs aren’t spread via them. They shouldn’t go swimming or share a bath with others. That’s just crazy and you not knowing put another child at risk of infection.

Could he have kept his trap shut as he wanted to get shot of the children for a while and you would have refused had you known the child was unwell, thus spoiling his own plans?

If so then he is being selfish and stupid, putting his own needs first before the needs of a child, which is unacceptable.

If it was just because he thought it was something the child had eaten, like too much rich food or too many sprouts, and not an infection then he probably didn’t tell you as he knew you would over react to something not catching.

So the way forward is probably to try and get better at dealing with infection by getting better coping strategies if you can and try not to over react about infection to the extent he hides it from you.

There are issues in both sides here, you and him, so perhaps working on that is the way forward?

It’s not fair if he always has to deal with unwell children which are half your responsibility but I get that it’s difficult for you.

I have a long-standing blood phobia from aged four relating to an accident. I recently needed lots of blood tests. Nightmare for me. However I have become a bit more used to it now, and while I dislike it, being forced to face my phobia has helped me. I no longer faint or throw up now. I can now look at gross operations on tv! It’s unbelievable! My family are stunned by the change.

Perhaps being forced to deal with minor issues in the first instance increasing to bigger health issues with the children would help acclimatise you too?

Forgive me if I have understood the extent of your problem.