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Original poster

Help with improving relationship

16 replies

Lizzvi · 30/12/2019 04:18

Hi, I am struggling at the moment, I have a beautiful and amazing step daughter and we love eachother deeply. We have no problems but I am having trouble with how her mum and grandmother are behaving in front of her. They are very negative about me, they roll there eyes when she talks about me, they have told her I am going to make her call me mum, that I am trying to steal her, that I am trying to impress her, that we copy what she does with her, she grills her about everything she does with us and this has been going on a while, it came to a head a few months ago when she burst out crying out of the blue and told us this, we had no idea. We have a basic relationship with mum and get on for DSD benefit, she has had a few wobbles over the last few years she couldn't get ahold of DSD one night she phones everynight to say night, but we were out for diner and she fell asleep on way home and straight to bed, the phone was on silent as soon as we looked at phone we sent a message to say she was safe and asleep. She came round the next morning screaming threatening police we were still in bed so woke up to this. My sd was distraught by this and I think it hurt her trust with her mum for a while. We have never said a bad word about mum in front of sd. It will only hurt her and is so unnecessary. We want her to have a wonderful relationship with us all! What can I do to help the guilt I feel, if I wasn't in her life she wouldn't have to deal with this. She shouted at her the other day because she couldn't remember all her Christmas presents from my husband's parents and she called her a liar! She is 8 an it breaks my heart! We have a beautiful little family and we regularly talk positively about all aspects of her life. Anybody else been through this? Thank you Xx

OP posts:

ColdCottage · 30/12/2019 04:34

Oh you poor thing. Could you sit down with her mother and work something out that makes her feel more comfortable?

Maybe you each write a nightly journal with her so you can share with each other what you do indirectly and it's also a nice family record for her to look back on when she is older.

VashtaNerada · 30/12/2019 04:39

Christ. There’s not much you can do other than continue to be the bigger person. Sounds like she needs the stability of your home to counteract all that nonsense.

Original poster

Lizzvi · 30/12/2019 04:54

Thank you so much, I have offered to meet for coffee but I am anxious, I try to stay out of her world as I think the less contact she has with me the better out of sight out of mind. She told sd that everything was perfect before I showed up. They were living separately when I met my now husband and she requested a separation and divorce a year before we met.

That is a lovely idea, I will ask her this morning if she would like that, she is such a kind thoughtful little girl I bet she will love that!

Can I also ask another question me and my partner wonder about, at her house they share a bed, is this quite common in separation? I think it's ok but sd definitely loves having her own room and bed here like she is a grown up. (With the exception of unicorns everywhere) X

OP posts:

Gingerkittykat · 30/12/2019 04:55

How much time do you spend with your SD?

I don't really think you can do anything since you can't change the behaviour of her mum. Just keep being positive to her about her life and the people in it.

I'm going to point out that step parents using the phase birth mum is seen as offensive. Birth mum is usually used in adoption, here the child's mum is very much a part of her life and you are the stepmum not another mum.

Gingerkittykat · 30/12/2019 04:59

I posted just as you were writing your post.

I don't think meeting up with her mum will do any good, I would say let your partner do all the contact with her. If she is hostile to you then this is not going to help anyone.

Does your SD have her own room but still chooses to share a bed with mum? I would say sharing a bed at that age is unusual but not massively problematic and I would be trying to encourage the child into her own bed.

Original poster

Lizzvi · 30/12/2019 05:12

I am so sorry, I really should have known that, I am used to looking at step parent groups so they use it a lot, you are completely right. We have her every other weekend and Wednesday to Thursday and 50% holidays her mum works nights so she is with her grandparents 2-3 nights a week as well.

I am not even step mum, I am just liz. I don't overstep we are really good friends and I back her dad up with house rules.

She has a room but she wouldn't be able to sleep in it as mum would be very upset. I don't think she likes it, but I don't know for sure I wouldn't want to ask her.

Thank you X

OP posts:

Original poster

Lizzvi · 30/12/2019 05:14

I can't change the name of the thread but I really don't want to offend anyone, sorry :(

OP posts:

Onceuponatimethen · 30/12/2019 05:19

Hi Lizz, if you report your own thread using the three dots at the side of your first message MNHQ will do it for you. You might want to ask them also to edit your sd’s name out of your post and to alter your user name so it isn’t your real name, then take your name out of your last post. There are so many people using this site and if someone recognised this situation and alerts your sd’s mum this could lead to more upset

Onceuponatimethen · 30/12/2019 05:23

I have experience of step parenting in my own family.

I think it’s lovely you are so concerned about sd and please keep doing what you are doing in respect of not criticising her mum. Your Dh should keep allowing his dd to express her feelings and show understanding while not criticising. I appreciate this is very hard.

ElluesPichulobu · 30/12/2019 05:24

^This

I am sure you are a lovely person but you referring to the child's actual mother as a Birth Mum suggests she might be quite correct that you are trying to get the child to pick your home as favourite. I hope you never use that phrase again of her but especially not in the child's hearing.

is the reason why they share a bed at all connected with the cost of rent and the amount of child maintenance your DH sends? having a lovely bedroom of ones own every other weekend and having to squeeze into a 1 bedroom flat with mum the other 12 days of a fortnight isn't in the child's best interests and that should be more important to DH than playing happy families on the every other weekend visits.

you need to back off entirely. this is not your problem - this is for DH to discuss with his ex. possibily with meditation if they can't be civilised to one another. ideally she needs to conclude that it is ok for the child to have more people who love her and that nothing will ever stop the child from loving her actual mum first and best and no one wants to change that. however she will not ever reach that conclusion in discussion with you.

Onceuponatimethen · 30/12/2019 05:25

Please don’t feel guilty because it sounds as though anyone who your dp had met would ha e been faced with this so it really isn’t personal and the poor man couldn’t be expected to be alone all his life

Original poster

Lizzvi · 30/12/2019 05:33

I am truly sorry for my mistake, I really didn't mean anything by it I am on a facebook group for blended family's and they use this term I have never posted anywhere and wish I had known this before. I don't want her to have a favourite place we just want her happy everywhere. Her mum is her mum, I would never want to impact on their relationship I love my mum beyond words.

He pays what was agreed and there has never been an issue with support she lives in their old home and has two bedrooms one is sd's but not slept in, she doesn't struggle financially.

I refer to her mum as mum and her dad as dad and use her name to everyone else.

Thank you onveuponatimethen I will do it now X

OP posts:

Pixxie7 · 30/12/2019 05:36

Being a step parent must be one of the hardest jobs in the world. Her mother is obviously jealous of your relationship and sounds like she needs help.
There is probably not a lot you can do except continue as you are.

Weffiepops · 30/12/2019 06:06

It sounds like the daughter doesn't share a bed with the mum much if mum is on night shifts a lot. She probably just valued the closeness she has with her 2or 3 nights a week. I don't see anything wrong with bed sharing.

The mum feels threatened by you, she feels replaced by you. You sound like a better version of her. She's probably bitter because she thinks you've stole her life. I would say don't try too hard to be an amazing step mum because the sd will relay it all back and inevitably be on the receiving end. I would suggest you try to become 'invisible' in your efforts. Keep things low key so sd is not reporting back, then they took me to this amazing place and gave me this amazing toy and we ate this amazing food. Just keep it simple for a while

blackcat86 · 30/12/2019 06:14

You need to take a giant leap back and understand that this isnt your issue and there is absolutely nothing you can do. You absolutely shouldn't meet mum under any circumstances as if it goes well this will be really confusing for your SD who you believe hears her mum talk negatively about you, or it will simply escalate what is happening to SD already. However, what you're describing is not ok and her dad should be in contact with the school, a family solicitor and a private counsellor. I say private counsellor as then he is the one paying on his time and it is nothing the mum can disrupt. This may sound drastic but if there is emotional abuse, manipulation and parental alienation then it cant just be sat on to keep the peace IMO. 2 or 3 nights a week with GPs is a lot. Does dad get on well with them? Could you offer to have her for longer to ease the pressure?

Original poster

Lizzvi · 30/12/2019 12:12

Thank you all so much, this has been so helpful and I have definitely learnt a lot, me and my husband have looked at this and it will be so helpful moving forward, it's nice to know that there are people out there who have so much experience and are so happy to offer advice. Thank you. X

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