How to build self esteem?

[Sweetdisposition91]

I am a confident (and attractive - without being big headed) woman but yet I’m so insecure about myself!

I self sabotage relationships and worry over nothing and I’m so paranoid and think I’m not good enough or always focus on my bad parts and flaws etc and have become a bit of an insecure mess tbh!

I’ve just come out of another relationship (which I’ve posted about) where in arguments he said nasty things about my looks and character and yet again my self esteem has taken a nose dive.

I always hear people give the advice that you need to build your self esteem but how the hell do you do that?
Is it finally getting a body you’re completely happy with or is it deeper than just looks? (Because they ain’t always last forever will they!) I feel like I’m so shallow and constantly comparing myself to other women which is just pathetic - and I really want to learn how to stop and just be happy being me!

I have a great circle of friends, active social life, will talk to anyone, I appear very confident and outgoing etc but yet deep down I’m always worrying and comparing looks/personality and needing validation from others to make me feel good. This is highlighted when in a relationship, when I’m single I seem to care ALOT less.

I’m considering therapy and a few self help books to try get me started but has anyone got any tips that helped them?!

Bump. Good luck, I have poor self esteem myself so can't offer advice

CBT can be great for low self-esteem. This book covers the basic ideas that you could cover, it's really great:

Low Self-Esteem by Melanie Fennell

There's an audiobook version too, good for absorbing on your commute.

Therapy. Your validation has to come from within for you to be truly happy, I think. Remember to that "comparisons are odious" - it's not about anyone else, just you. If you are always basing it on your looks/figure, as you say, what happens when those things fade or are harmed by illness?

Write down three things - not anything superficial - you are grateful for each day: or at least, think of them and acknowledge them. Try meditation perhaps? People speak highly of Headspace and Calm.

Work on self-acceptance - of you, as you are, with whatever elements you might feel are flawed. Love yourself and accept yourself.

Allen very easy to say - fucking hard to do, mind you! But decent therapy - which can be hard to find - is probably the most likely to be dramatically successful. In the meantime, gently pull yourself up whenever you are either comparing yourself to someone else or seeking external validation.

I'm going to be interested in the replies as I could have written the post myself. I'm self sabotaging my relationships constantly and am engaged to the most wonderful man who's offering me a fantasticife yet I'm still doing it. I'm aware of it too. Im attractive, confident and intelligent yet on the inside I too compare myself to everyone else and I think I'm unlovable so push everyone away. I don't need any therapist go tell me it was my horrendous childhood but what do I do to try and fix the damage?

Thanks for the suggestions so far...

@Strongteaplease - that’s exactly what I do push partners away. My ex adored me yet I became so crazy the constant comparisons and worrying etc drained him and he ended up changing his perspective and how he felt about me. He turned out to not be worth it because he made me feel worse in the end anyway, but he couldn’t understand why I tried to create problems that aren’t there and to be honest, nor could I! Yet I couldn’t seem to stop! That’s the same with me, when someone treats me really nice I feel like I don’t deserve it then go on a path to self destruction of the relationship it is absolutely bloody nuts and I’m also aware that I have serious issues!

As we speak my fiancee is texting me pleading for me to see him as I've refused for three days under the pretence of bring busy and tired. Of course I want to but I'm being cold as usual . I suppose I'm waiting for him to have had enough do I can say " see..you didn't really love me ". I compare myself to his ex which is silly as she's actually hideous but I still think well, he married her so he loved her, so I feel like second best. I'm nuts too!!

Oh I am more the opposite and get needy instead! I ALWAYS compare to exes I fixate on them and wonder what she has or has done better or how they look etc... it’s like a never ending competition that I always need to win in every aspect!

But he is with you now and not her regardless of what they had look at all these posts it’s true that people’s feelings can and do change for people - it doesn’t mean he will always love her even though he might’ve at one point! He is also your fiancée so obviously plans on marrying you too 😊 x