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Original poster

Was my therapist inappropriate?

50 replies

SuperPixie247 · 29/12/2019 12:06

This has been playing on my mind for a couple of weeks now.

I had my first appt with this particular therapist early December - male, mid 40s I would say and divorced (he volunteered that bit of information).

During the session, amongst a multitude of things, we discussed the sex work I had done in the past (please, no judgement - I was in a very bad place). It was relevant point that needed bringing up. We weren't just talking about it "for a laugh".

We also chatted about my tattoos and how I use them as a way of control over myself. Again, it was relevant to the discussion.

At the end of the session, he got up and walked over to my chair, took my wrist and moved my arm so he could see my sleeve. He also put his hand on my inner arm to get a closer look at one.

I had only known this man an hour or so, we had spoken about my "promiscious" (for want of a better word) past and I had got very emotional about it. I don't know if I am over-reacting but something made me very uncomfortable. I have often been viewed as someone who is "easy" or able to take advantage of sexually - even in inappropriate situations such as the workplace. I guess all of those feelings and memories came flooding back when he touched my arm.

Am I being massively unreasonable here? I don't plan on officially complaining or anything, I just want to find out if my head is messing with me again I think.

OP posts:

DariaMorgendorffer · 29/12/2019 12:41

Totally inappropriate op. Your gut instincts are spot on

NewYearLeaf · 29/12/2019 12:41

Yes he was absolutely inappropriate.

Not only did he cross a line by touching you physically, he further violated your trust by doing it after you confided your previous
worries and vulnerability over your own bodily autonomy, defiled in the past by abusive men.
I can only guess he got off on this somehow or was possibly 'testing the waters' on how manipulating he can be over you.

Even if his actions were not menacing in intent (doubt it) it still proves he is not a good therapist as he doesn't understand basic boundaries.

Get rid

And report.

Bluebutterfly90 · 29/12/2019 12:44

I went to therapy for 2 years and I dont think my therapist ever physically touched me at all!
You're not over reacting, try a new therapist and let them know your previous therapist crossed a boundary, hopefully that means the next one will be very respectful.
Therapy is about helping you and making you feel safe, and this guy is not doing that.
(Also kind of weird he bought up being divorced!)

OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart · 29/12/2019 12:49

I wouldn’t be happy about that at all.

iklboo · 29/12/2019 12:54

Unwanted and inappropriate, definitely not on and overstepped professional boundaries. Try to find another therapist.

Craftycorvid · 29/12/2019 12:54

Another therapist here. The most I’ve ever done is gently (and briefly) touched a client’s hand or arm if they are upset - and even then it’s a judgement call as to whether that’s a good idea. He moved your clothing to touch and examine your arm without your consent. I don’t know what was going on in his head but what should have been going on is: he’s male and dealing with a female client who has experienced exploitation by men, and he should therefore explore that appropriately with you. Unsolicited touch is at best clumsy, at worst exploitative. I’d say if you feel uncomfortable, find someone else. As PP have said, if he’s a member if BACP or UKCP, they have a complaints procedure.

ainsisoisje · 29/12/2019 12:56

He should not be touching you in any way. Totally not on

Original poster

SuperPixie247 · 29/12/2019 12:59

You are all so very right. Reading your responses is actually making me feel quite angry! What the fuck has possessed him to think its okay to touch a female (or any!) client? Especially after some of the things we discussed! Sleazy rat.

OP posts:

Vic49 · 29/12/2019 13:01

I have done 3 years of BACP counselling training and there are very strict rules regarding any physical contact between a counsellor and their client. This was completely inappropriate and you need to get a new therapist. If he is registered with any of the governing bodies then you can report him to them. Do not feel that you are being OTT as you said, he is totally at fault.

katmarie · 29/12/2019 13:01

Absolutely unacceptable. He should never have come close enough to touch, let alone laid a finger on you, without your explicit permission. And he shouldn't be talking about his relationship status either. At best hes an idiot, at worst hes a creep. On the positive side op, your instincts were right, so have some confidence in that, as you bin him off and report his ass.

Devereux1 · 29/12/2019 13:01

Is this correct OP: so the therapy session ended, you perhaps discussed next appointment etc, maybe he said something like "see you next week".. and you stayed seated, he stood up without a word, walked over to you, got hold of your arm and looked at your tattoos, all without either of you saying a word? Is that right?

Original poster

SuperPixie247 · 29/12/2019 13:06

@Devereux1

We set a next meeting date and I was sat in my chair about to get my coat, hat and scarf on. I had shrugged it off when I came in so it was all bunched up akwardly behind me and I was fixing it. He came over, held my arm at the wrist and examined it then used his other hand to touch one on my inner upper arm. He complimented them whilst doing so. To be honest, I don't really remember what happened after. Nothing remarkable I don't think.

OP posts:

Original poster

SuperPixie247 · 29/12/2019 13:07

He maybe held onto me for 10-15 seconds. But do that to your own arm now and it does feel a long time!

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/12/2019 13:09

Another therapist here who agrees that he was inappropriate OP. Sorry he did that to you.

BaileysMadeMeDoIt · 29/12/2019 13:09

Totally unacceptable. Professionals know the rules. When I took up tai-chi the instructor even asked if I was happy for her to touch my foot when she wanted to correct my position. Your counsellor knows he should not have done that and I'd be surprised if he's registered with a professional body.

LouLou789 · 29/12/2019 13:20

I, too, am a therapist. It is not acceptable to touch a client without their permission. Please find another therapist and consider whether to complain to the professional body with which he is registered.

Devereux1 · 29/12/2019 13:21

Yes, OP - he was completely out of order and inappropriate.

Original poster

SuperPixie247 · 29/12/2019 13:24

I have been on his website and seen he is registered with a professional body that has been mentioned here. There is a phone number but lines are shut till tomorrow.

Thankyou all for your input. Mumsnet is brilliant with support and guidance, especially if you don't always trust your own mind

OP posts:

iklboo · 29/12/2019 13:28

OP - there should be an email address as well. It's probably better to put it in writing for a clear trail / evidence of your complaint.

Waterandlemonjuice · 29/12/2019 13:29

Btw my therapist has never touched me, not even when I’ve been in tears

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 29/12/2019 13:32

Unprofessional and inappropriate

Firstly he told you he was divorced - unprofessional

Secondly he touched - inappropriate and unprofessional

That it made you feel uncomfortable is something you need to listen to. Find another therapist and if you feel you can make a complaint to BACP/UKCP

ChristmassySpice · 29/12/2019 13:34

@SuperPixie247 I advertise that I belong to the professional body. So it will say so on my business card etc. However, you can go on to the website of the body and type my name in and it will come up that I am indeed a current member.

So for all the body is closed till tomorrow, you may he able to search to confirm that he actually does belong to them and not just bullshitting that he does which I have known people do

Original poster

SuperPixie247 · 29/12/2019 14:15

@ChristmassySpice that would never have occured to me but I just checked and he is registered legitimately.

OP posts:

thehorseandhisboy · 29/12/2019 14:28

Email is a good idea then. You can do it today, so you haven't got it hanging over you.

Give his name, registration number, the time and venue of your appointment, a summary of what you discussed and then a description of his touching you as you have very clearly here.

I would also mentioned that he told you that he was divorced and any other personal info that he disclosed, because this is unprofessional and, in conjunction with him touching you, does indeed point to a sleazy rat.

Hidingtonothing · 29/12/2019 14:33

Your instincts are good OP, and well done for actually acting on them instead of dismissing them in the interests of being 'nice' or polite. You're right to be angry, however you look at this he overstepped his professional boundary and failed to even consider your personal ones, and that's looking at things in the best possible light. I'm glad you're going to lodge a complaint, he doesn't sound fit to be a therapist

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