Absolute mental crash last night. Feeling utterly miserable

[ChocolateOrangeForBreakfast]

Hi,

I have struggled with my mental health forever. Since puberty kicked in I guess and I am now 35.

Secondary school was hell for me, even though before then I was a happy, reasonably confident, popular girl, with lots of friends and a loving and stable home life.

One day everything changed and everything felt hard. The simplest things, like talking to people made me sick with anxiety. Long story short, I stopped going to school and missed out on so much. Not just the qualifications, but the expreriences. That really was a long story, but trying to condence this where I can.

I have a 13 year old who is talented in so many ways, but struggles a lot in others. Mainly socially, but she honestly drains me. Her attitude, her borderline compulsive lies.I worry so much about her future that it makes me sick. I wasn't good enough. I didn't do enough with her and I genuinely believe a lot of her issues are because of me.

I don't work and haven't since before DD was born and the work I did before was mindless admin- the only work I could get with my only NVQ college qualifications I managed to scrape together after forcing myself into college at 16 after leaving school with nothing. That job ended with me having a breakdown. I was being bullied by two women and sexually harrassed by several men.

I am in a very stable and loving, same sex relationship now and have been for 7 years, but I worry so much about our safety and acceptance. We have been attacked in the past and it's stuck. This actually takes up a lot of my mental energy. More than it did when we first got together.

We're currently looking for a new area to live and we want the village life, but I am terrified we won't be accepted and will just end up feeling isolated again.

I can't tell you how jealous I am of other families. My Dsis being one. I want to be able to hold my DPs hand and not worry about reactions. I don't want to feel nervous every time someone asks what my husband does for a living and I have to correct them. Of course not everyone is homophobic and reacts badly, but it's that constant awkwardness.

I have just got back from my families for Christmas and it's highlighted all of the above.

I'm sick of struggling. Sick of not being happy. I have moments of happiness, but never significant periods of time.

I am lucky to have DD, I know. I am lucky that I have a roof over my head and a very successful and supportive DP. I get all that, I do, but I'm so sick of feeling anxious and scared all the time.

Last night I completely broke down. I was an absolute mess. It feels like everything is broken and I don't know what to do.

There's so much more to say, but I'll stop for now.

I don't know why I'm posting, but thanks for reading.

Have you been to the your GP? Some people need medication to balance their brain chemistry. Sounds like you could do with support from professionals.

I agree. You need to reach out to your GP and maybe get a referral for counselling. Medication might help too as you sound to be in constant anxiety. Feeling that way will drain and exhaust anyone so you are very strong to have gone most of your life handling it on your own.
Don’t agonise too much over your DD. I think all parents start wondering where they went wrong when their children hit their teenage years. That is mostly because teen years are a difficult transformation for the child into a young adult nitbecause of a parenting fail. So long as the child knows you did your best and you love them, then there is nothing you have done or neglected to do that you should feel guilty about.

Thanks @CanISpeakToYourManager and @PlanDeRaccordement, for your replies.

I'm on my millionth lot CBT and whereas I do take away genuinely helpful techniques, I can't seem to get past this constant sense of anxiety, fear and regret. Guilt is another big one.

I want to enjoy life.

I am not sure if this will be of any help OP, I struggle slightly with anxiety, worrying about things that may happen in the not too distant future. I have started reading The Power of Now this week and have found my perspective has brightened somewhat already. I am a born worrier, but I have been catching myself do it this week and successfully stopped it in its tracks. I don't think any one thing can cure this problem, but you might find it quite supportive in terms of reframing your thinking.

Oh, there are other treatments other than CBT. Make sure you tell them that you’ve done CBT.

Re-reading your OP, I am thinking maybe it’s not anxiety you are now struggling with now but post traumatic stress.
Think, you had anxiety but you got over it enough at 16 to get a qualification and start full time work. You were stable and productive. You beat anxiety all on your own (see I knew you were strong)

Then you were bullied and sexually harassed at work. Your work environment became hostile and traumatic. Some of the symptoms of post traumatic stress are similar to anxiety externally. Like avoidance. You avoid working because you fear the trauma of bullying and sexual harassment will happen to you again. The difference is that anxiety is worrying about what might happen but is not likely to ever happen. But post traumatic stress is worrying about something bad that DID happen, happening again because it IS possible.

I’d ask for trauma counselling this time around. CBT won’t help with what you are dealing with now.

Guilt is a common symptom of post traumatic stress too. So many people blame themselves and think “why’d I let them do that to me?” “Why didn’t I see the red flags and get out sooner?” “What did I do to deserve this?” It’s all self blame. I hope you can get some help.

Thanks @Brookeborn. I will check that out.

@PlanDeRaccordement, actually my CBT therapist has identified other trauma and is treating me for that. One incident in particular. Tbh, I had always blamed myself for the bullying and harassment at work. I feel like I allowed it to happen. The sexual harassment was actually physical. I would often have my bum tapped and the sexual innuendo was pretty much constant. One guy used to ask me for massages and said he'd pay me and then started putting in outfit requests. I.e, "could you wear x skirt on monday". The women who bullied me used to hide my work so that they could blame me for it 'not being done'. For a while I thought I was going mad. I knew I had done it, but couldn't work it out. Then one day I found a big pile of documents which were supposed to be missing, in their work tray. Absolutely disgusting behaviour when I look back. I think I was reluctant to call it bullying for a long while, because I was ashamed.

You've got me thinking....

I had PTSD and was treated very successfully. It requires a different form of treatment than CBR though. I don't know your financial situation but you could try and see a clinical psychologist who would have several different treatment methods available.

CBT sorry.

Also consider seeing a psychiatrist who can advise on medication in conjunction with talking treatments.

Well done on reaching out here, though. It is worth persevering, I think.

Thank you @CanISpeakToYourManager.

Having a bad night. Found out some news this afternoon that has made me feel even more inadequate.

please be kind to yourself. You were and ARE enough for your dd becasue you are her Mum. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes in life and in parenting. 13 is a tricky age, but you and you're dd will get through it. I think Christmas can be such a difficult time of year. So much expectation for "happiness" and "perfection" that is normally portrayed in a certain way in a certain type of family set up. It just makes all our struggles feel worse and feeds into any insecurities we have. You have been through a lot, and are allowed to need time to heal.
Try to just take it one day at a time and focus on the positives as much as you can, such as being in a supportive loving relationship. I always feel the tribulations of life start to get easier to deal with again once Christmas is out of the way

oh, sorry corss posted. sorry to hear you have bad news. Hang in there. small steps.

Would you consider EMDR therapy, it helped me massively. I didn’t have it for the harassment I had at work but now I’ve experienced how well it works, I’m considering it. I could cry when I think of how much I was held back by the actions of some complete arseholes.