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Original poster

I'm a nan at 36 and just found out I'm pregnant

48 replies

Mavric · 28/12/2019 15:10

Sorry if it's a long winded post but I'm literally cracking up ... Bit of background my eldest is 17 youngest is 12 middle child whose 14 my eldest has a child whose 2 months old , my 14 yr old child is under camhs at the moment for suicidal thoughts due to bullying think it's important to point out that my 14 yr old hasn't attempted suicide not do they self harm however the thoughts have been there therapy does seem to be helping a little however it's a long road ahead . I have been on the injection pill for a number of years with no problems I haven't actually had a period for at least 2 years but 2 weeks ago my boobs felt a bit tender and thought ooh I must be coming on thought nothing else of it then couple of days later no sign of a period and I was even more sore and tender so whilst I was out shopping I grabbed a pregnancy test didn't think for one minute it would be positive I just wanted to put my mind at rest however the test was positive I stayed in the toilets for around 15 minutes crying because well I was in shock but also scared how would I tell my partner of nearly 20 yrs because we decided after our youngest 12 yrs ago we didn't really want anymore children we both work full time and have pretty much planned our future , So I booked in a bpas to have a termination without even discussing it with my partner as I believed it would be what he wanted it turns out I'm 5 weeks pregnant so very early stages and my appointment to go through with the procedure was yesterday I couldn't do it ! I sat down and spoke with my partner 5 minutes before my appointment yesterday as it was really getting to me until eventually I broke down in tears he's been so supportive and said the decision is mine to make and that he will be behind me 100% so yesterday I got to the clinic but when it came to it I couldn't do it , but now I'm sat here in absolute turmoil because I don't know what to do for the best I feel kind of I dunno what word would describe it but think people would judge me for been a nan and been pregnant .

OP posts:

RiftGibbon · 28/12/2019 16:17

I started trying to get pregnant at your age, OP. Your being a man has nothing to do with the situation really.
I hope that what every you decide to do works out well, and that of anyone is narrow-minded enough to make petty comments, you can just rise above it.

TipsyMalone · 28/12/2019 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheJoxter · 28/12/2019 16:18

I know a few families where the grandkids have aunts/uncles of a similar age to them, or in some cases several years younger than them! It’s surprising common.

DustyMaiden · 28/12/2019 16:18

My DS and GDD are a year apart and the best of friends. Born when I was 39.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2019 16:21

I started trying to get pregnant at your age, OP. Your being a man has nothing to do with the situation really.

Sorry RiftGibbon but that's the best typo ever!

SnapCackleFlop · 28/12/2019 16:29

I think finding out that you’re pregnant is always a shock (in my case even when trying to get pregnant each time I still went through a period of real shock at the beginning), even more so in your case as you thought the injection was reliable.

In terms of other people - if they’re judging let them fuck off to the far side of fuck 😉

Please do what’s right for you and your family but don’t make your decisions on what gossiping bastards might or might not think or say 😁

I have an aunt who is only a couple of years older than me and there are plenty of examples where the aunt or uncle is younger. Families where people are loved and supported are the best kind, not ones where the ages line up in set categories.

You sound really supportive of your family and your parter sounds great too. Please try to think about what you really want and try to leave peoples judgements out of it (I do know it’s hard 💐).

DrivingMsCrazy · 28/12/2019 17:34

@TipsyMalone why are you assuming it's her daughter the eldest who has a child and is poor with contraception? In her OP, she doesn't identify the sex of the eldest. Could be a boy who didn't wrap it and relied on a young girlfriend to be responsible. A minor point in the grand scheme I know, but it did jump out at me that you were assuming that.

Getitwright · 28/12/2019 17:39

It’s not about what anyone other than your partner and you think. You need to make the decision that is right for you two, and you two alone. Some deep thinking required, and a good look at the strength of your relationship, which sounds very good. You have spent a good few years raising your children, working hard. Only you will know if you want to start all over again, or have more life to yourselves, and do some of the things you might have always wanted to do. Wishing you sincerely all the best.

AlessandraBumbrosio · 28/12/2019 17:57

What a tough situation! I think one would be naive to think you wont be judged.
At the end of the day you need to do what is best for you.

AlessandraBumbrosio · 28/12/2019 18:00

The complication isn't an age gap between siblings but more that you have a suicidal child and a child who is about to be a parent. It will be challengibg being there for them with a newborn. Would your partner consider the snip for the future?

Equimum · 28/12/2019 18:08

There is an uncle and nephew in the same class as my son. I’d never really thought it odd or unusual. The ‘grandma’ is certain no older than some of the of other mums and if anything, her daughter looks more out of place at the school gate.

Only you can make the decision, but please son’t Be swayed by what others may think.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2019 18:14

My grandmother was married and pregnant with my mum, and at the same time, my great grandmother was pregnant (very much a surprise) with my mum's uncle. It has always made for a good laugh in the family.

Don't give two shits as to what anyone will think.

littlemeitslyn · 28/12/2019 18:29

Oxymoron Worra

TipsyMalone · 28/12/2019 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheChosenTwo · 28/12/2019 18:37

I’d be more concerned about the effect this will have on your middle dc struggling with their mental health than the judgement from others
I don’t care whether you have another baby or not, but I’d think carefully about how much time a mentally unwell teenager needs from you and how much time you would have to give.
I also have a 14yo dc who is experiencing similar and I know how much being available to them is taking out of me.
Just food for thought really but that’s what I’d be worried about. Not whether people will care that you’re a nan.

BlouseAndSkirt · 28/12/2019 18:46

OP, I honestly don't know what you would be judged on.

Having a dd with a baby at 17 maybe

You have got a lot on your plate. How much support does you eldest dd need? Does she live with you? Do you help with the childcare?

You will also have 2 kids going through GCSEs for a couple of years.

Support for your middle child is also important.

I know what I would do in your shoes - having had your children young you have your future planned out and loads of time to enjoy yourselves, and enjoy being a grandparent while you are still young. And time to save for a good retirement. I would stick with that plan.

However...I am not in your shoes, and it is important that you do what is right for you.

Sit down and discuss practicalities and plans and feelings with your DH, discuss EVERYTHING...except what other idiotic people might choose to judge.

CherryPlum · 28/12/2019 18:48

It really has sod all to do with anyone outside of your family, you should do what's best for you. I'd like to think that in this day and age we have moved past judging people and there are so many horrible things happening in this world the main thing is you are a good mum and that you do what is right for you and your family.

Wishing you all the very best whatever you decide.

holly40 · 28/12/2019 18:48

It might not help, but have you been offered some counselling sessions? Might help you collect your thoughts a bit, in order to make a decision and talk jt through with someone impartial. (Though I have to admit it didn't for me).

BlouseAndSkirt · 28/12/2019 18:48

Sorry - I also, for some reason, assumed the eldest was a Dd.

Not that it makes any difference to the situation and decision making: you still need to factor in how much support you give as a grandparent.

misspiggy19 · 28/12/2019 18:53

I think people will be more judgemental about you being a nan at 36, rather than a mother TBH.

^This

Underneaththetree · 28/12/2019 19:12

I think the having a younger auntie/uncle thing isn’t THAT uncommon. The ‘20 kids and counting’ family (the Radfords) have quite a few grandchildren up to age 8 and are expecting a baby. Nothing is made of this fact, just the amount of kids they have. If you look at a lot of bigger families where the mother started quite young then had more later on, there is often an overlap with the older kids starting families. Certainly in past times it was probably normal for the youngest child to have an aunt or uncle their age or younger.

I agree with PP that’s it’s your decision but you really need to consider every angle very carefully in order to come to the best decision for yourself and family.

Caz841984 · 30/06/2020 09:55

Can I pls ask how you got on I'm in the same boat I'm 36 got a 19 year old and grandson and 18 year old 16 year old 13 year old and a 1 and half year old and I'm pregnant was on the pill so not planned I'm scared and partner said the same to me but don't know what to do

milcmxxx · 30/06/2020 10:02

As long and everyone is happy and healthy who cares what anyone else thinks!!! If I heard the situation I’d just be like that’s lovely that they will be similar in age! Honestly try not to care about what anyone thinks, people will always judge but it’s a reflection of them not you xxx

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