Desperately needing help - drowning in crap

[Drowninginchristmastat]

I don’t even have small children. I do have quite a small house though.

Adult son has ASD and we are struggling massively. The house is a tip despite me frantically trying to sort it. I don’t know where to start and everyone will probably think I’m a pushover but what to actually do (throwing son out to sleep on the street is NOT an option.)

We’ve only had the sofa since 2016, the last one had to go because the indentation from his arse was so massive you literally fell into a hole. He watches a lot of TV. He also eats oranges and mars bars. The peel and the wrappers are just left on the floor.

The other habit that is really gross is he sucks those Niquitin tablets and then just leaves half sucked tablets laying around. He also never gets through packets properly, several will be open at any one time.

Books - we are absolutely drowning in the things and he won’t use a kindle or e reader.

His clothes are left lying around along with gym bag.

He doesn’t shower often so where he’s been lying is often very smelly (feet mainly) but also greasy hair and the like.

He doesn’t wash the cats bowls after they’ve eaten so rotting cat food is added to the mix.

I’m fighting a losing battle here aren’t I ...

Hi there. Has he a SW? What are the choices for supported independent living like in your area?

No social worker and zero - he isn’t disabled enough to qualify for any sort of supported living or any support really.

Books - can you give some away to charity? I'm quite firm with myself now over books and assess each one as I read it as a 'keeper' or a 'giveaway'. Bear in mind that, unless it's a very rare book, most books can be bought online for peanuts should you later regret giving them away.

Cats bowls - could you buy extra bowls, so used bowls go straight into sink, with food into a new bowl? If he is squeamish about the cat food, dry food is much less smelly and easier to clean, if your cats will eat it.

Niquitin - would patches be a better option, with 'normal' sweets if he wanted something to suck/chew?

Sofa/smelly feet - could you cover your sofas with throws and wash the throws regularly?

Thanks, I’m battling with the books now. And the notebooks - he writes endless notes to himself and leaves them everywhere.

He does and he also constantly buys new ones so it’s so difficult - we’ve got three bookcases full.

Yes, I see it might be hard for him to part with them but maybe if the OP could show him how easy it would be to get a replacement it might be easier? Or perhaps if the OP boxed up some of the older ones so he could see if he missed them over a couple of months - if not, they could be given away more painlessly as they'd have been out of sight.

He’d probably replace them or go on a huge hunt for them of epic proportions trashing the whole house. I mean, it’s not a question of giving a couple of paperbacks to the local charity shop - it’s huge, huge textbooks that are the main problem.

What about asking him to box them up, then he'll know where they are so won't trash the house looking for them?

How old is he? Can he work or go to college etc? Or get out and see friends or take part in activities? Is he open to discussion and non violent?

I think practically I'd be covering all sofas with huge fleece throws that can be washed and popped back on within the day. I'd deal with the cats food myself. I'd have empty bags to hand to pop rubbish in. And I'd be having to think about the book situation.

It's hard I know and I suppose a lot depends upon his reactions to things being charity shopped or given away

Regarding the peel, half sucked stuff, rubbish etc. Would he respond to a visual schedule reminding him to put stuff in the bin? I use this sort of stuff with my ASD son (admittedly much younger - so not sure if it is effective with an adult.)

Would you have spare money for a locker local storage facility or a decent garden shed to be used as book storage. He could have his 1 bookshelf in your home but any excess needs to go to the storage.

A lot of his habits sound very ingrained which makes it really tough to tackle. Could be persuaded to have his own armchair to wreck rather than your sofa? Maybe one of those Ikea ones with the wooden frame that wouldn't break the bank to replace every year or two if it came to that. It could have a garbage hooked over one arm and a little pot for his half sucked sweets on the other to at least contain the mess a bit.

Would he read Marie Kondo if you bought it for him? I know its yet another book!! But it discusses how we end up attached to objects and how to let them go without guilt. Might help. My DS is mildly ASD and he really latched onto the idea and has helped a lot with sorting the house out. (In fact all the DCs are better at letting go than I am!)

In terms of personal hygiene etc you need to have an adult talk with him about expectations if he's going to live with you, its not fair for his stinky feet and greasy hair to make your furniture smell, I'd hate that.

And tell him that if you're expected to pick up after him re wrappers and orange peel etc you'll also pick up his gym gear and his half-full packs of niquitin lozenges and put them in the bin too. Either he chooses what to put in the bin, or you do.

You don't have to throw him out onto the street, but he does need to learn how to function as an adult in the world by picking up his shit and cleaning himself because you won't always be around.

The comments here are so lovely. I've just been reading another post about a child with aspergers visiting a nurse alone and the replies were horrible and judgy.
Sending hugs. Can you relocate more of his stuff to his room? My son's room is horrible and crammed with stuff and he says he likes it like that as it makes him feel safe. I try to keep all his stuff in his (very small) room.

Oh god he’d never read Marie kondo

His own room is probably a heath hazard to be honest. I’ve cleared some of it out but I just honestly don’t know where to put all his stuff!

OK a word to the wise - does he get PIP (first things first!) if he does...
Look up National Autistic Society (NAS)to see if there is a local group or any other Autistic Charity - they may know of a Charity Housing association that may offer supported moving on housing - this is where they usually offer a couple of years in supported "hostel type" for people who may have ASD or Mild LD to help them become independent - (Cambridge Housing Association does this) these kind of organisations don't advertise their existence that much but sometime if you contact Specialized Housing Officers at councils they might know or do a search locally on internet …

Also op - to help asd hoarder we have a small storage space(they can be as small as a extra cupboard or small room) in a secure storage unit -it costs but its worth it & you get it outside the house.