I told my husband I wished he was dead - now feel like shit

[Torple]

I have posted before under various guises but OH and I have been having problems for a couple of years, mostly because he lost his dad and hasn’t really made even the slightest attempt to deal with his grief.
He’s showing all the signs of depression, he’s put on six stone in two years, he is constantly tired and lazy, he doesn’t wash, he eats crap at weird times, he does nothing but work (long hours and shifts, which doesn’t help) and sit on the sofa, basically.
Anything else is a major effort.
I get roughly 3 hours sleep a night because he snores so loudly that even on the sofa it keeps me awake but he refuses to seek a solution.
We argue most days but every time I try to leave he cries and begs me not to. He has no other family nearby, and his mum is very formal, stiff upper lip, boys don’t cry and all that crap.
Anyway, we went away for Christmas, he drove, as always because if I say I will, more rows about how I don’t think he’s capable etc.

On the way home, he briefly dropped off and missed a red light, if I hadn’t screamed and pulled on the handbrake, we would have been hit by a lorry.
Then a massive row broke out in which I said he could have killed us all and my life would be a lot easier if he wasn’t in it, he said “So what, you want me dead?” And I said “sometimes”.
Obviously I told him straightaway I didn’t mean it but subconsciously I am beyond exhausted and convinced he’s headed for an early grave anyway, so that’s where it’s come from I think .

I told him I was taking over the driving and he slept the entire two hours home. Despite telling me “I’m not tired”.
But when we got home he was all “it wouldn’t have hit us, they have brakes”. Totally blasé.

He has convinced me that he’s not in anyway going to harm himself but now I have put the seed in his head, I’m terrified he will.

But he absolutely point blank refuses any help. We have two kids at primary school, so I am paranoid about something happening when they are around.

One of my DDs friend’s dads killed himself when the child was 7, she’s now 11, and it destroyed the family.

I don’t know how to get him help when he refuses it, but it’s way past the ignore it and it’ll go away stage too.

Any advice? Please don’t judge me on what I said alone, it was not intentional, I was angry and scared.

Oh dear. My OH was struggling with depression and I also told him my life would be easier without him in it. Although he didnt turn that into 'so you want me dead'. In the end I said I would only stay if he went to the Doctors and I could sit in on the appointment. We went to the Drs, he was prescribed tablets and had a few counselling sessions. It wasnt a quick fix but we are in a far better position now.

It's crunch time op. The scenario you described is utterly terrifying.

You need to decide what is best for you and the children and take him out of the equation.

Personally I would ask him to leave. Make it clear that you will be happy to discuss your relationship when he starts to care for himself. As PP said attend a doctor's appointment with him.

You cannot continue to live like this. I speak from experience.

My DH has chronic depression and has been on medication a long time. You need to draw your line in the sand OP.

I'd be on the phone to the DVLA first off. He could kill someone with that shit. He sounds like he has weight induced sleep apnoea and his life is in dangers it puts terrible strain on the heart as well as the dropping off anywhere.

He goes to the GP or you're splitting up. This isn't a life for either of you

Have you tried the aaeful hit home phrase...I know its unkind but it can work depending on his personality and only.you will know the answer to this.....your dad would be so disappointed in you, you need to step up for your family and kids and be a good father and husband. Either change or we are going.

I've had a situation where I said something way worse than what you've said but it created the change required....after a lot of upset!

My god. Pedestrians don’t have breaks. From your post OP this sounds like it has gone way beyond the stage of getting better on his own. I’m certainly not judging you- you poor soul. PPs suggestion of an ultimatum to sit in at the doctors sounds a good one. Your children will be aware of problems- they will have noticed his attitude (and weight). You need to make a move for your sake and theirs.

OP, if he refuses help you really need to leave him, don't fall for him making you feel guilty about it. He knows how you feel but still does nothing about it, so he can't say he wasn't aware. It will destroy you in so many ways if nothing changes.

Have you tried the aaeful hit home phrase can you tell me what the aaeful phase is please? I've never heard of it

@MoiraRose I don't know if your being sarcastic or not but PP meant 'awful hit home phrase' and then states it to be 'your dad would be so disappointed in you, you need to step up for your family and kids and be a good father and husband. Either change or we are going.'

@Torple come back and talk to us. Lots of us understand what your going through. If you want to PM me to talk instead I don't mind. I know what it's like to live with a DH with mental health issues and I also know how disloyal it feels to speak badly of him. But it's ok, you need to let it out.

He clearly has sleep apnoea. Snoring, weight gain, lethargy, falling asleep at the wheel. Send him to the doctor and ask to be referred to a sleep clinic. If he refuses to go divorce him.

Thanks for the support. I have told him that he needs to see a doctor next week, he got quite annoyed about “wasting NHS resources when all they will say is I’m overweight and need to go to bed earlier.”

But I have told him not going will a deal breaker. He isn’t off till Friday so seeing a doctor depends on when he can get an appointment but I am off all week and am going with him if he likes it or not.

He said I need to do the talking because he doesn’t want to come across like some idiot who can’t work out why he’s unhealthy but I think deep down he is scared and needs me to take charge.

His dad died after refusing to see a doctor for five years, had he gone earlier, there is a good chance he’d still be here, and I can’t work out if it’s his dad’s stubbornness, which he is a lot, or something else.

I will come back once we've seen the doctor.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/Sleep-apnoea/

He needs to see a GP.

He needs to see a doctor and he needs to stop driving.
Op you've put up with a lot

Oh god DON'T LET HIM DRIVE YOUR KIDS. I would not get in the car with him or let my children get in the car with him again.

I think you will have to leave, honestly. By all means see how it goes at the GP. But otherwise... You have to leave. You cannot sacrifice your life in some theoretical hope of preserving his, and if he ever deliberately hurts himself, it will categorically NOT be your responsibility or because you gave him the idea.

He has convinced me that he’s not in anyway going to harm himself but now I have put the seed in his head, I’m terrified he will.

But he already is harming himself and putting you and your children at risk of death or serious life changing injury. He probably hates how he is currently, but facing up to it and dealing with it, is a lot harder than simply continuing. Sometimes it is difficult to summon the physical and emotional energy to make a change and we need someone else to give us that first big push in the right direction. Get him to go to the GP , this time next year he could be six stone lighter and an awful lot healthier and happier. Good luck OP

I think a separation is in order here.

I'd not even suggest divorce - just time apart and he needs to use that time to see a therapist, and start tackling his issues while you take the time to relax in a now happy home.

If he is able to work on his issues, maybe there can be a future together again, but for now, you and your kids need to have a better life.

It's crunch time op. The scenario you described is utterly terrifying

This. Its absolutely terrifying that he could have killed you all and he's so blasé about it. Having mental health issues is no excuse- he might not have caused his issues but he IS responsible for seeking help and his own health. He's emotionally blackmailing and manipulating you by crying every time you say you want to leave and its not on.

You cannot control if he harms himself or not- he could do that even if you stayed with him. If you feel he is at risk then ring 999- ambulance/and or police for a wellness check. But you absolutely cannot use that to paralyse you for the rest of your life. You need to prioritise your own mental health here- we can only be responsible for ourselves. For me, it would be ultimatum time- either he seeks help or I leave. But either way, by the start of Jan, one of those two things WILL be happening.

Poor chap. Grief is a bastard, especially if you know the person could have survived if they’d been less stubborn. It sounds like he is doing a great job of disassociating himself from everything so he doesn’t have to feel much which is fine if you live alone but causes huge upset if you have people around who love and miss you.

I bet he’s scared of what the doctor has to say. It’s worth asking for blood tests as I was falling asleep at the drop of a hat and had weight/energy issues when mine was out of whack, as was one of my vitamin levels. Cover all bases...

I wouldn’t be threatening to leave just yet, see if there is a physical reason first and try to treat him as you would want to be treated in his shoes. That’s what I had to do, it gave me more patience and understanding.