dd started an activity she loves and where she thrives

[Leatherypaper]

and now her 'best friend' from school wants to do the same thing. Dd has had a lot of confidence issues last term at school and has developed some anxious behaviours. We are trying our best to boost her confidence at home, do activities she enjoys and where she gets a sense of achievement. It's work in progress tbh.

Part of the problem is that her closest friend at school is quite possessive of her, and my dd feels her friend is better at most things. The friend is very confident and very competitive with dd.

Dd has recently started an activity, which she loves and her friend seems to want to now do the same thing . I really would prefer it if dd did this activity without friend so she can develop her confidence without constantly feeling like she is 'in the shadow' of her friend and also to have a different experience to school.

When dd's friend's mum approaches me (matter of time), would it be rude to say, I'd rather that my dd did this activity by herself and friend can find another place to do it? Would that be weird? What would you do?

Well you can't control the other child....if her mum wants to send her to that activity you can't stop her. You don't have to facilitate the situation though, so don't offer lifts or car shares.

It's a pain when someone muscles in on something like that though especially if they are causing issues for your daughter.

Agree, you don't have to facilitate it. Is other mum very pushy? Would you be able to see 'DD is enjoying doing this by herself as just her thing'? if other mum started down a 'wouldn't it be lovely for them to go together' track..

Do they hold the activity on different nights?

You can’t stop the other child joining the activity and it would be weird to try.

Difficult situation. Of course you can't stop the other child doing the activity, but it's hard when you can see how much it's benefitting your DD to have her own thing. How well do you know the other mum? Is she nice, and are you friends? Could be worth getting a jump on it, and mentioning how much it's helping your DD to have something separate before she asks. Then she knows, and can (if she chooses to) guide her daughter to a different club/night. It will be harder for her if she doesn't know and gets all enthusiastic about it with her daughter and then you tell her.

That's such a shame for your dd, especially if her friend is competitive about this activity too.

I'm not sure you can say anything to the girl's parents (however tempting) but I agree with others about not facilitating, lift sharing etc

I think it would be ok to say 'I'm worried about her getting a bit reliant on your dd, who she loves, because she is not as confident or outgoing as your dd - you decide about this one, but would it be ok if they do some things independently'. In fact you don't even need to mention the activity, just broach the subject in advance. My dds friend banned my dd from doing netball at school one term because her teachers and parents decided she needed to branch out (I only found out later). I understood and had had some concerns myself about their closeness, but especially as the other girl had ASD I had felt I shouldn't mess with what was essentially a good friendship. They drifted apart amicably.

Thank you for your posts.

Could be worth getting a jump on it, and mentioning how much it's helping your DD to have something separate before she asks. Then she knows, and can (if she chooses to) guide her daughter to a different club/night.

I am leaning toward this.

I don't want to openly mention to her that her dd is more outgoing and confident as the mum is just as confident and really gossipy and soon the kids on dd's class will know that my dd is struggling with confidence issues, which would make thing more difficult in class.

I agree with not facilitating. Just be really cagey about it. If the other DDs mum mentions it just say your DD is trying it at ‘a local club’. Don’t be drawn on its name or times.

If she’s going to sign her DD up you can’t stop her, but you can make her do all the legwork and narrow the chances of her picking the same class.

Don't facilitate, be vague and non committal. You can't stop her, but you can make it harder