Perinatal/Maternal OCD - any experiences?

[HamiltonBentley]

Posting here for traffic (& not really sure where else to post in honesty).

I'm 38+2, a FTM & genuinely unsure if this is normal first baby anxiety or something more sinister. I have been very lucky and never suffered with mental health problems before so this is really scary for me.

For the past 2-3 weeks I've been feeling:

• constant, intrusive thoughts that other people will hurt my baby, make her ill, take her away from me or make me sick in a bid to take her away (I feel most "threatened" by MIL - not a great relationship but nothing to tangible to suggest this would happen & DH has spent hours reassuring me that he will deal with it if so much of a toe steps out of line).
• as a result of the above, feeling like I will not be able to trust anyone to take care of my baby except me...
• leading me to feel completely overwhelmed, consumed by responsibility and isolated.

To try to combat these feelings I have been:

• lashing out, particularly at DH, because I don't feel he appreciates the risks that I can, making me feel like I can't trust him.
• cleaning obsessively.
• washing my hands/using anti-bac excessively.
• not wanting to leave the house/see/speak to anyone.

It's completely irrational - I KNOW that it's irrational yet I can not control it and I'm worried that it will not go away/get worse when she arrives and that makes it even more terrifying. I'm exhausted from constantly feeling on edge, doing everything I can to "soothe" myself and protect me and her from these "imminent dangers."
The whole festive period has been ruined by it. I've given myself headaches, diarrhoea, shakes etc where I've worried so much about socialising over the past few days.

Dr Google is pointing towards perinatal/maternal OCD - I'd love to know if anyone else has had any experience of this?

I'm due to see my midwife on Monday so will speak to her about it then too.

I had post natal ocd. Ivf pregnancy after multiple losses so higher risk. Was a huge ball of anxiety throughout which I totally bottled up. Used to go over and over baby development websites and look for signs things were wrong despite the fact bit me and the kid were doing really well.

Fine for a couple of months post birth then one day I had an awful intrusive thought I was going to hurt dd. Then it was like the dam burst and I couldn't function. Couldn't touch the baby, couldn't eat or sleep properly.

Told my lovely GP very rapidly as well as dh. Contemplated suicide as was so convinced I was going to hurt my baby. Very luckily for me I had private healthcare through work so GP immediately referred me and I saw a physchiatrist within a week who medicated me and referred me for cbt.

I was lucky and the meds worked fairly rapidly. I was on them for about 18 months I think. That said, whilst the ocd calmed down, I do still suffer from health anxiety and general anxiety and can obsess even 10 years later. Medication has never worked as well again but I keep it in check with self care and some cbt.

Please do mention to your midwife as it's a horrid condition.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience @Fredy45 - I'm so sorry you went through it, that sounds terrifying and I'm so pleased you managed to seek the help that you needed.
I'm sorry to hear about your losses - we had 2 losses prior to this (which MIL wasn't supportive of) so perhaps this is a trigger. I hadn't considered this until now.
Part of me is hoping my midwife will tell me this is normal FTM, PFB fears... part of me is hoping she will push for a referral/diagnosis.