My kids do not sleep

[TutorWoes]

I cannot take much more of this. DD is 9, has ASD. DS is 8 yrs. Both of them kick off at bedtime. I tried relaxing baths, rub their feet, read to them, sit at the end if their beds but every fucking night is the same, they become wired and upset. I used to be patient but I'm just utterly fucked off now, I completely resent it. I find it quite controlling to be honest, like they are putting it on.
DH and I get no time together and it's affecting our mental health.
Currently got them both sitting downstairs with me, they are wound up and refusing to sleep. How can they not be exhausted, I do not know.
I need help with this issue. If I didn't love my DH so much, I'd fucking walk out. I'm sick of this bedtime behaviour.

Have you tried washing them in the morning? My DS was always wide awake after an evening bath as it raises body temp. He now has a quick shower in the morning and a morning bath at weekends.

Other than that I can't really help, no screens or Tv 2 hours before bed might help?

I don't know about ASD, but would they entertain themselves quietly in their own rooms to give you time?

If sitting with them doesn't work quickly to aid their sleep then stop doing it. You need to try a different method. What would they do if you tucked them in then left the room? If they'd be up and out after you then do rapid return.

I think I'd stop putting them to bed. What would happen if you let them draw/read/playing quietly with toys in bed? With a bedside light. And told them they were to not disturb you but could turn off the light when they felt tired? Would that take away a layer of stress or would they still resist and it make no difference?

Have you spoken to a doctor? Consider melatonin and whether that may help if a dr agrees

I would try bringing their bedtime forward by 15 min every few evenings until you come to a time where they do feel relaxed at bedtime. My child was very hyper after a bath so I only bathed them in the afternoon. I read that when children over tired they get pumped full of adrenaline and it makes them hyper. So the idea is to get them to bed before they become hyper. Watch them closely for a few evenings and see if there's a time they seem sleepy then try to get the to bed at that time on the following evenings. I hope that helps. It worked for me.

I would first try fish oil supplements and magnesium supplements, if you’re not already (magnesium is better in cream form on the skin, if they will accept that). Be careful on the type of magnesium compound.

You could consider a weighted blanket or pad to help them drop off, they are not cheap though :( unless you can borrow one. Or a microwavable toy/cushion maybe.

100% blackout blinds might help? I have nighttimeanytime ones from amazon/ebay

Then if these don’t help, ask dr for melatonin, the liquid kind if you can.

Melatonin. My boys both have ASD (currently 8 and 10yrs), neither slept until I despaired and bought melatonin gummies from the US. They've slept ever since. They both happily go to bed around 7.30/8 and are asleep shortly after 8.30pm. Previously they'd be wired at 10pm or sometimes later. They request their melatonin because they know it works and they hate tossing and turning. The paediatrician was quite happy with us buying it online - I told her afterwards not before! She offered to prescribe it but said we may as well just carry on as we are if it is working.

However - we also paid for a private OT (with their DLA) for a year and did loads of work on meeting sensory needs and setting firm routines before starting melatonin. They both have weighted blankets and black out blinds, and sunset/sunrise simulators. They have audible at bedtime and I sit and listen too. DS1 prefers to sleep in a hammock until it gets too cold in winter. DS2 will meet his sensory needs in his hammock before moving over to bed. They liked their temporary hammocks so much they have permanent hammock hooks in their bedroom walls now. I recommend trying all of these! I suspect the melatonin was an instant resolution for us because everything else was already in place.

They won't be doing it on purpose to control you but I know how awful it can be. Don't give up your family when there are solutions to try.