Feel bad about lying to parents

[NeverGotMyPuppy]

DH and I (plus toddler DS) didnt want to spend Christmas day with our parents. My dad is an alcoholic and self-professed National Socialist. My mum is a depressive narcissist who just talks at you. They do however love DS and I feel bad about depriving them.
DH's stepfather isnt particularly nice to him and we have significantly reduced contact since we got advice from MN in the summer.

There isnt really anywhere for us to sleep at MILs. Last weekend we stayed wt my parents and DS hated it, took me nearly 2 hrs to get him to sleep.
Instead we spent xmas day with our lovely friends. DS knows them really well and settles in their house. They are old enough to be our parents but we are very close. We have been on numerous holidays together.

My parents are incredibly jealous of them. We lied to everyone and said we sent xmas day alone.

I'm just feeling a bit crap about the whole situation 2bh.

Sound like you made the right choice for your famiky, but tried to spare their feelings. Which is kind

Thanks. I just hate lying. I'm also struggling to accept that these are DS's grandparents.

YADNBU!!

You did the right thing but the reasons for having to do it are quite upsetting.

Last weekend we stayed wt my parents and DS hated it, took me nearly 2 hrs to get him to sleep.

If you wanted just one good reason to lie and make a different choice about where to spend Christmas (and from your opening post, there's a whole back story full of good reasons), then this is the one.

You put your DS first. That's what I would expect of any loving decent parent and, let's be honest, if your parents had been loving and decent to you, you wouldn't have been faced with this choice at all.

I used to have a 24/7/365 job protecting the public, and the deal was that we'd all take turns being on duty on Christmas Day. Even so, you wouldn't credit the number of times I lied to my toxic parents and insisted I had to work every single Christmas Day.

Do not feel guilty. The guilt is all theirs for not making the slightest effort to be decent parents and grandparents. They chose not to. They chose to put themselves first. You chose to put your own family first. Wise woman.

Oh, and the reason why they "love" your DS is because he is a toddler. Wait until he is old enough to express his own opinions, his own likes and dislikes, and suddenly they won't "love" him quite as much.

Given what they’re all like you were not at all U to spend Christmas with your friends, or to lie. And you’re not U to manage your DCs’ contact with them very carefully and keep this low.

Feeling bad about these sensible choices suggests that you are affected by the fear, obligation and guilt (FOG).

I had low contact with difficult grandparents, and it was fine. We had other - benevolent - adults around on occasion. Am very glad my parents set up sensible boundaries for our contact with the GPs - negative issues arose when these slipped due to family pressure, eg unsupervised contact. It was good that they prioritised themselves and us DC.

It’s really nice if DC can have the traditional, kind GPs, but DC who don’t can be totally fine too!

You did the right thing OP. There is no obligation to spend Christmas day with anyone - let alone alcoholics and narcissists whose company you do not enjoy. Your friends sound lovely. I'd stick with them every year, if I were you and I'd resolve to ditch the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) in 2020. It's a cliche to say that life is too short, but it really is. Spend time with those who enhance your life and keep contact with those who don't to a minimum.

Sometimes it's easier all round to have a little white lie.

Thanks everyone. We have my parents coming round tomorrow, least it's on my own territory.

Good luck, Never, hope it goes well.

Look up “medium chill” as a strategy for tomorrow. It helps keep you out of the F.O.G. Zone. It takes an it of practice but it’s such a fabulous approach as you emotionally disengage but remain friendly so they have nothing to “hook” onto in your behaviour and you remain emotionally intact throughout the interactions.

Supposed to say “a bit” not “an it”

Well they have been and gone.

I just feel exhausted 2bh.