Any tips on dealing with persistent children?

[Freddiefox]

Dc 9 goes on a lot, will ask for something once and if they get a no they will ask again and again and then again later.. until I either get cross or ignore them, which is met with ‘why do you always shout at me, and why don’t you listen to me.
For the record I don’t think I shout but my tone is irritable.
I’ve tried explaining why the answer is no, but that seems to open a conversation which I don’t want to have every minute of the day.

Any ideas?

My 7yo is a lot like this. I console myself that his persistence will stand him in good stead in adulthood, even though it’s challenging as fuck right now.

Like you, I’ve mostly found that nothing really quells him, so have ended up focusing entirely on the bit I can control, ie my reaction. I find it much easier to stay calm with a fairly bored-sounding question rather than an answer (“I’ve answered that already, can you remember?” “Why do you think I’ve said no?”), or by just blandly repeating back to him so that he knows I’ve acknowledged what he said/feels/wants. (At one time I actually used to note these things in a notebook, and that seemed to really help.)

I know mine is a bit younger so this may be less relevant, but I’ve found he often uses “I want/can I have” almost as a conversation opener, so can be surprisingly well diverted after a quick ‘no, not today’ or whatever and it can become quite a pleasant encounter after all.

Also, on reflection I realised I was struggling with my own visceral response to what I perceived as grabbiness (whether for material stuff or other things), and was therefore reacting more emotionally than was ideal. (I don’t mean like outward emotion, just that it pressed my buttons and made me feel quite behaviourist-y ‘I must stamp this awful trait out!’, which isn’t very constructive.) May not be a factor for you but I’m mentioning in case it is, as it took me a while to twig.

Do you ever give in and change your mind?

My DD is a bit like this, but she's much younger. Sometimes when she asks me a question I say 'I need a few minutes to think about that one' and then I give my definite answer. She knows I won't change my mind and that helps. If she asks again I simply say 'I've answered you'. For example, if she asks to watch tv and I say no, but half an hour later decide she can then I've gone back on myself and she knows repeated asking will get a different answer. If I think about it rather than give a snap answer I can give a final answer like 'there is no more TV today, please don't ask again' or 'not now but if you behave nicely you can watch one thing after tea' for example. And then stick to it.

I have instigated a rule that if I’ve said no twice that is the end of it and she is not to ask again otherwise I will get cross. Seems to be helping (not 100% but better).

The rule is twice rather than once because just occasionally I do give a knee jerk no and then change my mind once she’s explained better or I’ve had a chance to think more, so the twice aspect gives me a chance to think. Also because I can’t imagine her ever managing to stop after just asking once...