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Original poster

So I didn't do my Wife work and am going to feel so awkward tomorrow

46 replies

NoWifeyWork2020 · 24/12/2019 21:39

DH and I split for a while.

We are back together now and this is our first shared Christmas since.

For years I bought his mums Christmas presents.

This year I told him I wasn't. Repeatedly.
He said he wouldn't get her anything as he doesn't see the point Hmm

And he hasn't.

I feel shit.

When we weren't together I know he ignored her birthdays and Xmas but now I feel the responsibility (stupidly).

She will bring the kids gifts tomorrow and I'll feel like a twat.

I should have just gotten her something.

Argh.

OP posts:
CryHavoc · 24/12/2019 22:36

It's a bit shit. My MIL always gets me a lovely present, so I wouldn't mind buying some bring for her. We have a relationship outside of me being married to her son, and I would feel dreadful not getting her something. But my husband buys for his side of the family and I buy for mine, because we're adults who plan this sort of thing.

Straycatblue · 24/12/2019 22:37

Get in first and make a point of mentioning that since you've been back together DH is responsible for buying her gifts.
When she doesn't get anything , she will know the reason why.
You're not responsible for buying gifts for his family. He's a grown man. If hes capable of buying you and the children presents, hes capable of buying her some and if its because he doesnt want to, then thats not your problem to soothe over and fix, its better that she knows than to lie for him by "fixing" it and finding a present for her.

WifOfBif · 24/12/2019 22:39

That’s really shit, it’s not too late for him to buy her a voucher for something nice online but he doesn’t sound like he gives a fuck.

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Relationship problems
Original poster
NoWifeyWork2020 · 24/12/2019 22:40

Get rid of him because he doesn't buy his mum gifts Confused

That's really extreme.

Surely no person is perfect. Would you leave your DH over something so trivial

OP posts:
Original poster
NoWifeyWork2020 · 24/12/2019 22:42

He has a strained relationship with all his family.

TBH I think he may have aspergers. He doesn't seem to be able to empathise with anyone and comes off as quite cold but when you point stuff out to him in a way he can relate to like 'how would you feel if our sons didn't buy me a gift at Christmas when they are grown' he seems to 'get' it but can't put himself in that situation.

OP posts:
TheReef · 24/12/2019 22:42

Have you got a bottle of wine, fizz or chocolates lying around somewhere? A token gift would do

Interestedwoman · 24/12/2019 22:46

Yes, I was going to say, often when posters/stuff I read describes this not seeing the point of presents, it's linked to the bloke possibly having ASD.

As others have implied though, I suppose it's up to him to decide what level of relationship he wants to have with his mum. You can only try and get through to him a little about what presents mean to most people. Maybe remind him she's the kid's grandma, see if that has any effect.

ConfCall · 24/12/2019 22:47

I’m not sure why you’re being advised to leave him. It seems extreme!

His relationship with her sounds tricky so I’m not going to slate him. I would not intervene either.

ConstanceL · 24/12/2019 22:51

When she hands over the gifts for your children, just ask your husband in front of her to get the gift he got for her. Then when no gift materialises your MiL will know that he is responsible not you.

TooStressyTooMessy · 24/12/2019 22:54

Can you not give her some wine etc as PP have said or open some of your stuff now to see if you can regift (I know people frown upon it but under the circumstances...)?

IM0GEN · 24/12/2019 23:01

My child has Aspergers and he has no problem with buying presents for people.

He also understands that you have to buy something they like and not what you like.

But he’s 12. How old is your husband OP?

Your DH seems to grasp the concept of gifts when it applies to you and his children but not his mother. Why do you think his undiagnosed Aspergers affects him like that ?

Surely you couldn’t be suggesting that anyone who is selfish and thoughtless is on the autistic spectrum ? Because of course that would be very offensive and morally repugnant and I’m sure you wouldn’t do that.

DecemberDays · 24/12/2019 23:07

Well said IM0GEN

Okbutno · 24/12/2019 23:14

I wouldn't leave my dh because he didn't buy his mum a gift but would consider it if he was also cold and lacking in empathy.

Fatted · 24/12/2019 23:15

Why do you feel bad? Just tell your MIL that her son is the idiot who doesn't want to give her a present. After all, she played her role in raising this idiot.

BikeRunSki · 24/12/2019 23:22

Got any school photos you could give her?

FWIW, I told DH that I wasn’t sorting out presents for his parents or nieces (x 3) this year. And neither has he! The nieces (6, 11, 13) are getting last minute generous bank notes in an envelope.

PlanDeRaccordement · 24/12/2019 23:31

Why is everyone assuming the husband is at fault for the bad relationship with his mum? He manages to buy nice presents for his wife and kids. There has to be more to the story. I don’t buy that he’s automatically an idiot or lacking empathy or being a twat because generally those three types of persons are like that with everyone around them, not just their mother. There has to be some deeply personal cause for the rift between them.

Original poster
NoWifeyWork2020 · 24/12/2019 23:35

Im0gen it's not because of that. It's because of a thousand other little things. Which make me think he may need a diagnosis so this may be a reflection of that. Not the cause.

OP posts:
2020BetterBeBetter · 24/12/2019 23:35

How well do you get on with your MIL? Any chance you could say you’d like to take her out for afternoon tea next month as a Christmas present when you see her tomorrow?

Fruitbatdancer · 24/12/2019 23:46

Get on a computer or hand draw a spa day/ massage/ pedicure type voucher for you to join her on/ have lunch/ coffee cake etc. Then it’s clear who did it! And something you get something good from too! (If you have that kind of relationship!) it also scream “your rubbish son had nothing to do with this”

OhCumInMyFaceful · 24/12/2019 23:47

About an hour ago, I ordered something from Pandora to be sent to my not-quite-MIL.

Been asking my partner for weeks what yes doing for her.

Have made it very obvious that it's essentially from me. Up yours, OH.

bridgetreilly · 24/12/2019 23:49

OP, the only thing you need to do is stop feeling guilty.

When MIL arrives, turn to your DH expectantly and say 'Have you got the present for your mother?' and back to her, 'We agreed that he should take responsibility for it from now on.'

Then let him deal with it. It's his problem, not yours.

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